Abby gives terrible advice

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I come from a large, close family. The majority of them live in another state. A couple of family members live in the same state I reside in. One night, my uncle came over and we were hanging out having drinks. We both drank too much and at some point, he started to kiss my neck. I told him to stop because he is family, and he did. Luckily, nothing more happened. The next day he texted and called profusely apologizing. I have been hurt, sad and angry ever since. He wanted to talk about it, but I didn't.

We still see each other at family get-togethers since there are only a few of us out here. I haven't told anyone, and it's hard to keep this to myself, but I'm afraid that if I say something, it could cause a rift in my family. How do I get through this without hurting them? Should I confront him and tell him how this made me feel? Should I confide in a family member? Or must I just pretend it didn't happen? -- EMOTIONAL IN ARIZONA

DEAR EMOTIONAL: Do not pretend it didn't happen. Because you feel the need to get this off your chest, tell your amorous uncle how hurt, angry and violated you felt by what he did. I see no reason why you should announce this to the family for the reason you mentioned. However, do not see him alone or drink with him again.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/08/10

Comments

[conuly]

I'm going to make two assumptions here. I know that sometimes things shake out differently, but I feel like LW would have said if it was an unusual case. So here are my assumptions:

1. Either this uncle is married into the family, and therefore married, in which case his spouse should know; or this uncle is a blood relative, in which case he may very well make the moves on some other close relative. Because no amount of alcohol makes normal people start kissing their nieces and nephews. That's not something that just happens as a side effect of drunkenness.

2. This uncle is closer in age to LW's parents than LW, and was already an adult or nearly when they were born, which just makes this more inappropriate. Not that point 1 isn't enough!

So... yeah, I think LW needs to seriously consider telling people. How many predators act for years because everybody says "Well, he was drunk and it was just one time, I don't want to cause a family fight"?

If the rest of the family is hurt, that's Uncle's fault - LW is not to blame for telling the truth about what happened.

[cimorene]

Same 100%.

[jadelennox]

I was speculating that LW and uncle were maybe close in age, closer to a cousin because otherwise this is even more viley egregious. (Since cousins are both legal in many places and not even socially unacceptable in all cultures.)

If uncle knew LW when LW was a child and uncle was an adult, then any family members with minor children really have to know, because that's a whole other kettle of fish. I mean, apparently some people find hooking up with people you had a loco parentis relationship with socially acceptable, but I ain't one of 'em.

If I were LW, I would lean on any family member I trust who is my generation or younger, and of the same gender as me. Or if uncle has kids and I trusted them, I would reach out to them. Keep it in a small circle for now, with family members I trust not to go family draaaaaama about it, and see what people suggest.

[conuly]

Or LW could frame it as a hypothetical, or something that a friend is soliciting advice on, and see if anybody goes "Oh, geez, was that Uncle Creepy?" - if they do, that'll give them an idea of exactly how MUCH they need to explode this boil now before it festers any longer.

[delight]

Yeah, I know a few people with uncles who are younger than they are, so age isn't always clear. Which makes none of this okay, but age may not be a factor.

[melannen]

It would depend on knowing more about the uncle and the family, I think, because mentioning the specifics might turn into more than you wanted to deal with because of the nature of the topic - and I supposed it's possible he was so utterly off it he forgot who you were - but at minimum, LW, even if you really think this was just him being drunk and stupid, it's probably still a good idea to tell both him and the family that you don't trust him drunk and he shouldn't either because some of the things he does drunk that he deeply regrets later, and avoid him in any circumstances where there's alcohol.

(Usually people who don't completely change when drunk - but he does seem to have apologized without prompting, so he realizes he shouldn't have done it; even if he secretly thinks what he did is ok, he's using alcohol as an excuse, and you should still avoid him and alcohol at the same time.)