Employees Make Sacrifices Caring For Dying Co-Worker

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: A co-worker has been stricken with multiple stage-4 cancers. We all have been compassionate and caring, supporting him through the challenges of treatment and the side effects. His condition is terminal, in the final stage and deteriorating rapidly. He does have a supportive family, but we don't have the heart to send him home and take away the only thing that gives him his reason to live -- his work. So we spend our time providing hospice care, something none of us have any training for.

Our work environment has become increasingly stressful and anxious, and it's overflowing onto our friends and families, not to mention the toll it has taken on our company. I need to make a choice -- to place my family and my well-being first, take a leave of absence and abandon my co-workers, or stay in support and have a front-row seat to the imminent passing. -- 911 ON SPEED DIAL

DEAR 911: This is something you should discuss with your employer. Neither you nor your co-workers are trained caregivers, and no one should be administering medical care because of possible liability to the company.

You are obviously a sensitive and caring person. However, if the situation has become more stressful than you can manage, it's time to take a step back. To do so isn't "abandoning" anyone; it is looking after your own mental health so you can provide for your family.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2704521

Comments

[conuly]

Geez.

Just... geez. Meanwhile, I bet this dying coworker would actually have been just fine dying at home or in hospice rather than dragging himself in to work every day, if only they'd said it was time.

If the job wants to be compassionate, they could keep paying him until he actually passes, whether he has run out of FMLA etc or not.

[katiedid717]

I have a family member (who is also my former coworker/boss) who refused to stay away from the office. He spent 5 days in the hospital after having back surgery and was in the office 2 hours post-discharge - only went home long enough to take a shower and eat a meal. I can definitely believe that there are some people who would continue working despite being at death's door

[pauraque]

Where is the company management in this situation? LW writes as though the workers have collectively decided to do this, but isn't there anyone in charge whose responsibility it is to make a hard call here about what the role of the workplace can realistically be?

[castiron]

I don't have any experience with hospice yet, so I'm trying to figure out what kind of hospice care these coworkers are providing at work. Are they managing his medications? Applying topical lotions? Changing colostomy bags or wound dressings? Providing talk therapy? Responding to seizures?

Or is LW using "hospice care" to mean "this dying coworker is here at work while dying, and while we're not providing medical care, we are uncomfortable having someone in our midst who's going to be dead in a few weeks or months"?

I've absolutely known people who loved their work enough that they'd have wanted to keep working for as long as they were physically capable of doing their job. I've also known people who'd stay because they felt they had to, or because they couldn't afford to quit and lose insurance.

[jadelennox]

yeah, there's basically nothing I can think of as hospice that's even legal for them to provide. But maybe they mean "we're bringing him a lot of drinks and helping him out of his chair?"

And yeah, a hugely important question that Abby ignores is what's the financial situation.

[purlewe]

we had a coworker die last month. No one knew she was ill. She was working from home. And she "left the company" and 3 weeks later was dead. I say all this to mean that sometimes you have no idea if someone is dying. Work put her on disability for those last 3 weeks so she could pull a paycheck. HR knew. but until they announced her death most of us assumed she had gotten a new job.

All that being said I am also curious as to how much hospice work the coworkers are doing. Are you helping someone go to the bathroom safely? are you making sure they don't fall when they walk? are you giving them meds and wiping their butt? (sorry for the TMI.. but it is so unclear in this letter) Where is management and HR (if there is HR) in this? I have old farts who are retired but come to work every day and we maintain their offices... and once an older retired man whose office was near me fell and he took a cartload of books down on top of himself. He wanted me to lift him by myself, but I ran for his secretary bc NO ONE should be lifting an 80 yr old man by themselves. He finally stopped coming in when he fell at home and no one could get him up. there is a HUGE difference between a person say.. getting chemo and going to work (if they can and feel up to it) and a person lying in a hospital bed at the end of life. Where in the timeline are they exactly?

[azurelunatic]

When my old workplace had someone who had advanced cancer, he was in and out of the workplace for about a year, and then he went on medical leave and it was widely understood that he was dying, and he was keeping the job as a source of insurance. He came to visit every now and then, but he was focused on spending time with his family and resting during the time he had left.

[frenzy]

I’m going to assume on typical American fashion, this is probably the only thing the dying person can afford. Still I’d love to hear ask a managers take on this instead. What employer is like “this is fine”. Wtf.