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agonyaunt2022-07-21 11:31 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-07-21 11:31 am
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Care & Feeding: I Think My Husband Might Be the Neighborhood Creep
How do I get him to stop acting this way?
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband is a very friendly guy. He’ll talk to anyone, wants to know their name, and tries to remember everyone’s name. He’s this way with adults and kids alike, male and female. I’ll admit I’m not like this. I’m friendly, but I don’t put the same level of effort like he does. During nice weather, we walk around the neighborhood, we wave and say hi to everyone who’s out, and of course my husband likes to address everyone by name. There is a group of girls around 12 to 14 years old who walk around the neighborhood (I call them “the Squad”), and he says hi to them too and knows their names. I am worried that as they continue to get older, they’ll think he’s creepy for talking to them. It’s getting a little awkward in my opinion. But I always also say hi and am friendly to them. I probably wouldn’t be as friendly if I were alone because they’re preteens, and what preteen wants to talk to an adult?
He can be a bit clueless as to how females perceive men they don’t know. We run together, and I told him he needs to stop saying hi to women on the trail because generally women alone on a trail don’t want to interact with men who are strangers. Should I say something to my husband about not being so friendly with these girls? (Maybe I’m overreacting because it’s not like they turn and run the other way. They are always polite.) If so, how can I tell him without killing his friendly spirit? I am worried about perception—I don’t believe it’s anything else.
—Friendly vs. Creepy
Dear Friendly vs. Creepy,
I think you can gently explain to your husband that while his level of friendliness would be more common in an ideal world, women and girls simply must operate with a level of guardedness that can make his kind overtures seem a little excessive. Let him know it’s OK to chat with “the Squad”—it actually is important for kids to have positive interactions with adults outside of the family!—but that he must be mindful to keep these conversations super brief: “Hey, girls! How’s it going? Susan, I saw your mom at the grocery store last night and she told me about your big win last weekend—congratulations! Looks like rain, might want to grab some umbrellas this afternoon. Be safe, girls!” Warm, polite, and short. You also should keep on top of him about not talking to women who are out on a running trail, especially when he’s not with you.
He may be frustrated or confused. Remind him that kindness is a tool that predators use to get women and girls (or other targets) to let down their defenses in order to do them harm, and that when it comes to strangers on the street (or even polite neighbors you don’t know well), we usually cannot tell a “good” guy from a “bad” one until it is too late. Appeal to the nature of his friendliness, which is hopefully rooted in some desire for people to have positive interactions with him; explain that if it is his goal to be kind to people when he meets them, one of the best ways to be kind to girls and women is to respect our need to feel safe. He should keep his longer exchanges for adults he knows more intimately, and save his greetings for the appropriate time to make them.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband is a very friendly guy. He’ll talk to anyone, wants to know their name, and tries to remember everyone’s name. He’s this way with adults and kids alike, male and female. I’ll admit I’m not like this. I’m friendly, but I don’t put the same level of effort like he does. During nice weather, we walk around the neighborhood, we wave and say hi to everyone who’s out, and of course my husband likes to address everyone by name. There is a group of girls around 12 to 14 years old who walk around the neighborhood (I call them “the Squad”), and he says hi to them too and knows their names. I am worried that as they continue to get older, they’ll think he’s creepy for talking to them. It’s getting a little awkward in my opinion. But I always also say hi and am friendly to them. I probably wouldn’t be as friendly if I were alone because they’re preteens, and what preteen wants to talk to an adult?
He can be a bit clueless as to how females perceive men they don’t know. We run together, and I told him he needs to stop saying hi to women on the trail because generally women alone on a trail don’t want to interact with men who are strangers. Should I say something to my husband about not being so friendly with these girls? (Maybe I’m overreacting because it’s not like they turn and run the other way. They are always polite.) If so, how can I tell him without killing his friendly spirit? I am worried about perception—I don’t believe it’s anything else.
—Friendly vs. Creepy
Dear Friendly vs. Creepy,
I think you can gently explain to your husband that while his level of friendliness would be more common in an ideal world, women and girls simply must operate with a level of guardedness that can make his kind overtures seem a little excessive. Let him know it’s OK to chat with “the Squad”—it actually is important for kids to have positive interactions with adults outside of the family!—but that he must be mindful to keep these conversations super brief: “Hey, girls! How’s it going? Susan, I saw your mom at the grocery store last night and she told me about your big win last weekend—congratulations! Looks like rain, might want to grab some umbrellas this afternoon. Be safe, girls!” Warm, polite, and short. You also should keep on top of him about not talking to women who are out on a running trail, especially when he’s not with you.
He may be frustrated or confused. Remind him that kindness is a tool that predators use to get women and girls (or other targets) to let down their defenses in order to do them harm, and that when it comes to strangers on the street (or even polite neighbors you don’t know well), we usually cannot tell a “good” guy from a “bad” one until it is too late. Appeal to the nature of his friendliness, which is hopefully rooted in some desire for people to have positive interactions with him; explain that if it is his goal to be kind to people when he meets them, one of the best ways to be kind to girls and women is to respect our need to feel safe. He should keep his longer exchanges for adults he knows more intimately, and save his greetings for the appropriate time to make them.
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(Please bear out our faith, Husband.)
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I'm on the other side of things here because my dad is basically LW's husband here. Knows the neighbors, knows their kids, knows all their names and the names of their dogs that they're walking, says hi and the whole nine yards.
When the fourteen year old who escaped her domestic violence ridden family in the neighborhood was asked why she went to my dad for help, she told them it was because he'd taken the time to be a reasonable adult who wasn't creepy but knew her name and her friends' names and she felt like she could trust him because he was sociable.
Same with the other ladies who needed various help in the neighborhood but I guarantee my mother could have written this letter. Drives her nuts that my father says hi and knows everyone.
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The part that made me agree with LW was the "talking to women running alone" bit.
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