![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My daughter “Isabella” is married to a successful young lawyer and is eight months pregnant with their first child. My first wife and I wanted more children, but it never happened. She lost her battle with cancer when Isabella was 16. I didn’t feel like dating again for almost five years. Over the next few years I saw several women, none very seriously. Then, at Isabella’s wedding in 2019, I connected with one of her bridesmaids, “Madison,” a lovely young woman I’d last seen as a gawky teenager. Isabella was shocked when she found out Madison and I were dating, but didn’t expect it to last long. But I just proposed to Madison, and she accepted. I took Isabella out to lunch to tell her. For a minute she almost had a meltdown, but got herself together and said she hopes we are happy together.
Later that night I got an email stating she’s worried about her inheritance if Madison and I have children. Specifically, she’s afraid my house—a beautiful and unique 1884 Victorian which Isabella grew up in from birth, and is deeply attached to—will go to Madison upon my death, and then to my children with Madison, instead of to her and her children. She feels this would be especially unfair because her mother and I were gifted the house by my in-laws.
So, while she says this is hard for her, she’s decided to disallow me any relationship with her unborn son and any future children of hers unless I either transfer the house to her and myself as joint tenants, so she will automatically inherit my share, or to an irrevocable trust with her and her children as beneficiaries. This would prevent me from making a will, then changing it once she’s seen it. She says it’s fine if I give Madison a life estate so she could continue to inhabit the property, along with Isabella’s family, unless she remarries.
Isabella doesn’t even know that Madison wants children. But she does, and I think I’m up for it. I’m in my early 50s, in excellent shape, and my parents and grandparents all lived to at least 80. But from the moment I learned Isabella was pregnant, I’ve also had my heart set on being a grandpa. Should I do as she suggests? Would joint tenancy or a trust be preferable? My biggest concern is that the value of the house (currently over $2 million) may exceed the whole rest of my estate, especially after raising and educating several more children. And Madison has come to love this house as well. In fact, she claims she fell in love with it the first time she came over, in middle school. What would be fair for everyone?
—Vied For Victorian
Dear Vied For Victorian,
I understand your daughter’s discomfort with the situation—you can imagine how you’d feel if your widowed mother married one of your high school friends—but it’s unreasonable for her to try to extort you with the threat of withholding access to your grandchild if you don’t give her the house. And I wonder if Isabella would have the same expectations if you had married someone your own age and, as such, were not going to have children in the future.
Since you don’t have any children with Madison at the moment, but plan to, I would hesitate to do anything that you can’t modify later if circumstances change, or your future children need things you didn’t anticipate, especially while they’re still minors. You need something flexible.
Isabella needs to accept that Madison is going to be your wife, and that you have obligations to her that are permanent. She is not an interloper, and for inheritance purposes, should be treated the same way you’d treat anyone you married and planned to grow old with.
But understand also that it must be exceedingly difficult for Isabella to have to readjust her relationship with Madison. If she was a bridesmaid, I assume they were close, and it probably feels to her like Madison has betrayed her and maybe you have, too. Isabella may feel like she’s being displaced in your life by someone who was a close friend.
Madison, likewise, needs to understand why Isabella is so attached to the house and try to put herself in Isabella’s shoes. She may have known your family for a long time, but she did not grow up in the house, and cannot possibly have the same attachment to it.
I think your best option here is to meet with an estate lawyer and look at options that might satisfy both parties, with the idea that you want to be equitable. Sometimes a third-party recommendation can mitigate the emotional drama around issues like these, and give you a way to reasonably and truthfully say you’re trying to do what is fairly standard in these situations. Be clear with both of them that you are not going to play favorites, and threats will not change that.
https://slate.com/business/2022/07/daughter-inheritance-house-finance-advice.html
My daughter “Isabella” is married to a successful young lawyer and is eight months pregnant with their first child. My first wife and I wanted more children, but it never happened. She lost her battle with cancer when Isabella was 16. I didn’t feel like dating again for almost five years. Over the next few years I saw several women, none very seriously. Then, at Isabella’s wedding in 2019, I connected with one of her bridesmaids, “Madison,” a lovely young woman I’d last seen as a gawky teenager. Isabella was shocked when she found out Madison and I were dating, but didn’t expect it to last long. But I just proposed to Madison, and she accepted. I took Isabella out to lunch to tell her. For a minute she almost had a meltdown, but got herself together and said she hopes we are happy together.
Later that night I got an email stating she’s worried about her inheritance if Madison and I have children. Specifically, she’s afraid my house—a beautiful and unique 1884 Victorian which Isabella grew up in from birth, and is deeply attached to—will go to Madison upon my death, and then to my children with Madison, instead of to her and her children. She feels this would be especially unfair because her mother and I were gifted the house by my in-laws.
So, while she says this is hard for her, she’s decided to disallow me any relationship with her unborn son and any future children of hers unless I either transfer the house to her and myself as joint tenants, so she will automatically inherit my share, or to an irrevocable trust with her and her children as beneficiaries. This would prevent me from making a will, then changing it once she’s seen it. She says it’s fine if I give Madison a life estate so she could continue to inhabit the property, along with Isabella’s family, unless she remarries.
Isabella doesn’t even know that Madison wants children. But she does, and I think I’m up for it. I’m in my early 50s, in excellent shape, and my parents and grandparents all lived to at least 80. But from the moment I learned Isabella was pregnant, I’ve also had my heart set on being a grandpa. Should I do as she suggests? Would joint tenancy or a trust be preferable? My biggest concern is that the value of the house (currently over $2 million) may exceed the whole rest of my estate, especially after raising and educating several more children. And Madison has come to love this house as well. In fact, she claims she fell in love with it the first time she came over, in middle school. What would be fair for everyone?
—Vied For Victorian
Dear Vied For Victorian,
I understand your daughter’s discomfort with the situation—you can imagine how you’d feel if your widowed mother married one of your high school friends—but it’s unreasonable for her to try to extort you with the threat of withholding access to your grandchild if you don’t give her the house. And I wonder if Isabella would have the same expectations if you had married someone your own age and, as such, were not going to have children in the future.
Since you don’t have any children with Madison at the moment, but plan to, I would hesitate to do anything that you can’t modify later if circumstances change, or your future children need things you didn’t anticipate, especially while they’re still minors. You need something flexible.
Isabella needs to accept that Madison is going to be your wife, and that you have obligations to her that are permanent. She is not an interloper, and for inheritance purposes, should be treated the same way you’d treat anyone you married and planned to grow old with.
But understand also that it must be exceedingly difficult for Isabella to have to readjust her relationship with Madison. If she was a bridesmaid, I assume they were close, and it probably feels to her like Madison has betrayed her and maybe you have, too. Isabella may feel like she’s being displaced in your life by someone who was a close friend.
Madison, likewise, needs to understand why Isabella is so attached to the house and try to put herself in Isabella’s shoes. She may have known your family for a long time, but she did not grow up in the house, and cannot possibly have the same attachment to it.
I think your best option here is to meet with an estate lawyer and look at options that might satisfy both parties, with the idea that you want to be equitable. Sometimes a third-party recommendation can mitigate the emotional drama around issues like these, and give you a way to reasonably and truthfully say you’re trying to do what is fairly standard in these situations. Be clear with both of them that you are not going to play favorites, and threats will not change that.
https://slate.com/business/2022/07/daughter-inheritance-house-finance-advice.html
no subject
But she does [want kids], and I think I’m up for it. I’m in my early 50s, in excellent shape, and my parents and grandparents all lived to at least 80.
LW, I know someone who had his first kid at 49 and his second in his early 50s. While he loves his kids, he would be the first to say "are you out of your freaking mind????"
You may well be healthy (for now), but your body is aging nonetheless. You won't have as easy a time wrangling your theoretical kid(s) in your 50s and 60s as you did wrangling Isabella when you were in your 20s and 30s. You'll be 70 or older by time your younger kids graduate high school (and have you thought about what post-secondary education is going to cost by then?). Yes, fertilizing an egg may make you feel you haven't lost your youth and virility, but you need to do a lot harder thinking about kids (preferably before you and Madison go through with the ceremony) and the reality of being an aging parent.
(Also, if you do decide to go through with it, which I figure you will because you had so little judgement as to take up with a close friend of your daughter's, get used to the idea that when you're out with the kids, strangers will say "aww, your grandchildren are so cute!")
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
And there certainly isn't going to be a letter in 25 years saying "I just found out I'm not going to inherit anything because Dad left the 1884 house I grew up in to my much older sister from his first marriage; how do I get my sister to pay me a fair share of Dad's estate when she doesn't want anything to do with us?"
no subject