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Dear Care and Feeding,
We recently made a trip to visit my in-laws. The whole time, it seemed like they were criticizing my parenting. A lot of it was unintentional, I realize. For example, we took the kids to the pool, and I was watching them swim while my MIL and the rest of the adults in the family were chatting or reading. But every 20 minutes or so, she would suddenly rush over to the pool to check on the grandkids. If one of them was off in the bathroom or otherwise not in her sight, she’d freak out and yell “Where is ___?!?” It was like she felt that SHE was the one watching them swim instead of me, and she kept talking about how hard and stressful it was to keep track of them. Except … she wasn’t! I was!
Other criticisms were definitely intentional. When we were at a park, my 6-year-old was climbing up a rope ladder on the play structure. My father-in-law said, “Aren’t you worried about her?” I said I was not, and he said, “Well, you should be!” I knew better than to respond, but it was frustrating nonetheless. And the entire weeklong visit was just variations of the in-laws acting like they were the only people standing between my kids and certain death. My father-in-law told the kids to be careful every. single. time. they went up or down stairs (they are 6 and 10! They know how to go up and down stairs!).
My in-laws have always been anxious people, but their fearfulness has clearly reached a new level and it is unbearable to me. Now they have announced that they are coming to visit us later this summer. I feel like I might snap when they inevitably tell the kids to be careful when they are walking up the stairs in their own home. Or act as if my husband and I are not supervising them well enough when they’re playing. Neither of us can think of any productive way to address this. I think if we tell them it bothers us, they will take that as additional evidence that we are not sufficiently cautious when it comes to the kids. Should we try to talk to them or just do our best to ignore these constant remarks? (For what it’s worth, the 10-year-old is also fed up with this, because she feels that they treat her like she’s a toddler. So if we don’t say something, she might!)
—Overcautious Grandparents
Dear OG,
I know it’s maddening to have people, particularly in-laws, second-guess your parenting. My in-laws did it too—not about matters of safety (I think they thought I was the one who was absurdly cautious: when I expressed concern about, say, trampoline-jumping without a net in their yard, they dismissed it), but about everything else. I spent a lot of time on those visits keeping my lips sealed, which is not easy for me.
Everyone has opinions about other people’s parenting. How we keep them safe, how much risk we’re willing to allow, how and what we feed them, how we “let them talk” to us, how we dress them and how we address their fears, sleep troubles, behavior, etc. If you pay attention to this stuff, you’ll be driven mad by it. Ignore it. Whether it’s truly criticism or your in-laws are just so anxious they can’t keep themselves from worrying (no matter how absurd the particular worry is), you can’t make them stop. If you’re really desperate (and your husband is on board), you can try, though I don’t have much hope that telling them their constant comments bother you will have any effect. The best thing to do is not engage. When they say “Aren’t you concerned that Sam is going to get hurt/get lost/drown/fall down the stairs?”, just say, “Nope.” Cheerfully. And move on.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/in-laws-boundaries-parenting.html
We recently made a trip to visit my in-laws. The whole time, it seemed like they were criticizing my parenting. A lot of it was unintentional, I realize. For example, we took the kids to the pool, and I was watching them swim while my MIL and the rest of the adults in the family were chatting or reading. But every 20 minutes or so, she would suddenly rush over to the pool to check on the grandkids. If one of them was off in the bathroom or otherwise not in her sight, she’d freak out and yell “Where is ___?!?” It was like she felt that SHE was the one watching them swim instead of me, and she kept talking about how hard and stressful it was to keep track of them. Except … she wasn’t! I was!
Other criticisms were definitely intentional. When we were at a park, my 6-year-old was climbing up a rope ladder on the play structure. My father-in-law said, “Aren’t you worried about her?” I said I was not, and he said, “Well, you should be!” I knew better than to respond, but it was frustrating nonetheless. And the entire weeklong visit was just variations of the in-laws acting like they were the only people standing between my kids and certain death. My father-in-law told the kids to be careful every. single. time. they went up or down stairs (they are 6 and 10! They know how to go up and down stairs!).
My in-laws have always been anxious people, but their fearfulness has clearly reached a new level and it is unbearable to me. Now they have announced that they are coming to visit us later this summer. I feel like I might snap when they inevitably tell the kids to be careful when they are walking up the stairs in their own home. Or act as if my husband and I are not supervising them well enough when they’re playing. Neither of us can think of any productive way to address this. I think if we tell them it bothers us, they will take that as additional evidence that we are not sufficiently cautious when it comes to the kids. Should we try to talk to them or just do our best to ignore these constant remarks? (For what it’s worth, the 10-year-old is also fed up with this, because she feels that they treat her like she’s a toddler. So if we don’t say something, she might!)
—Overcautious Grandparents
Dear OG,
I know it’s maddening to have people, particularly in-laws, second-guess your parenting. My in-laws did it too—not about matters of safety (I think they thought I was the one who was absurdly cautious: when I expressed concern about, say, trampoline-jumping without a net in their yard, they dismissed it), but about everything else. I spent a lot of time on those visits keeping my lips sealed, which is not easy for me.
Everyone has opinions about other people’s parenting. How we keep them safe, how much risk we’re willing to allow, how and what we feed them, how we “let them talk” to us, how we dress them and how we address their fears, sleep troubles, behavior, etc. If you pay attention to this stuff, you’ll be driven mad by it. Ignore it. Whether it’s truly criticism or your in-laws are just so anxious they can’t keep themselves from worrying (no matter how absurd the particular worry is), you can’t make them stop. If you’re really desperate (and your husband is on board), you can try, though I don’t have much hope that telling them their constant comments bother you will have any effect. The best thing to do is not engage. When they say “Aren’t you concerned that Sam is going to get hurt/get lost/drown/fall down the stairs?”, just say, “Nope.” Cheerfully. And move on.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/in-laws-boundaries-parenting.html
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