Care & Feeding: Our Daughter Gave Us a 10 Page Proposal for Emigration

[minoanmiss]

What’s just happened has changed everything for her. I’m a mom to a headstrong teenage girl, and the past few weeks have been challenging to say the least. She is a self-described social justice warrior and a leader in student government and in our small community.

When Roe v. Wade was overturned, everything changed for her. We live in Michigan, and she will not stop talking about moving to Canada or another country. She even typed a ten-page proposal on why we need to leave, which was quite impressive. Our family has the money to move, and my husband said he will strongly consider it depending on the outcome of the midterm elections. Personally, it doesn’t sit well with me to leave when things get rough, but things are really rough in America at the moment, so I almost don’t blame her for feeling this way. Any suggestions on how I should talk to her?

—Miffed in Michigan
Your daughter’s pain is understandable and expected for anyone who holds any empathy for people of marginalized groups in this country. Between the rise of overt racism, women’s rights being under attack, police brutality, and a ridiculous amount of gun violence, just to name a few things—I don’t think it’s hyperbolic to say that America is a complete dumpster fire right now.

As incredibly flawed as America is, I still love this place—and as is the case with anything or anyone we love, we have to keep it real and call it as it is. That said, I feel similarly to you in terms of not running away when the going gets tough.

I don’t think it’s any secret that being a Black person in America is challenging to say the least, and there are times when I feel like crawling into my bed and not moving for hours on end. However, then I think about my ancestors who lived on this land and were beaten, raped, tortured, and killed by their savage captors for centuries. It would be a disgrace to them to sit back and do nothing. That’s why I work as an anti-racism facilitator and speaker for corporations and schools because I know I have the superpower to change the hearts and minds of people. Granted, I’m only one person, but I believe that if enough people stick around and do something meaningful, then we can move mountains.

What could that look like for your daughter? You mentioned she’s in student government, but maybe you can suggest she branch out and volunteer for the political campaigns of candidates who share her ideals. She can mobilize people using social media, rally her community, or speak to her school’s administration to raise awareness about the issues she’s passionate about. The possibilities are endless, but I don’t think throwing in the towel and moving to another country is the best move.

Your daughter’s proposal is likely coming from a place of fear, which is a normal response to the current state of things (for adults and kids alike). It might be helpful to talk to her about times when this country has managed to enact positive changes because people stuck around and fought for them.

The people proposing laws that your daughter is against are hoping people like her pack up her stuff and move away without a fight. I would advise her not to give them what they want.

—Doyin

Comments

[topaz_eyes]

I would like to see the daughter's proposal on leaving, listing the reasons why she thinks Canada will be a better solution. Every time something appalling happens in the US, I see Americans proclaim that they plan to immigrate here. (I live in Canada.) I understand and sympathize, I do, but imho moving here is not the ideal solution they think it will be. And that's because most of them don't seem to be aware of the issues Canada has. A lot of issues in Canada are very similar to the US, just not as well-known.

A lot of people don't understand just how much Canada and the US are intertwined and interdependent; what happens in the US spills over here to some degree. Our judicial/legal and political/democratic institutions have been more resilient to right-wing machinations true, but they're not entirely immune; Canada is becoming increasingly politically polarized too.

Canada does not have an abortion law, it's a medical procedure--but timely abortion access is difficult to impossible in many regions, like in Atlantic, rural, or northern Canada. (In most areas, anti-abortion "pregnancy crisis centres" outnumber legitimate abortion/reproductive health clinics.) Basic healthcare access in general (ER wait times, access to family doctors) is rapidly getting out of reach for millions of Canadians, because of decades of cutting it beyond the bone.

Hate crimes against minorities are increasing. Police in Canada are not much different than in the US re interacting with indigenous and racialized groups. Our federal government has fought in court for *years* to avoid providing proper health and education funding for indigenous children. Effects of climate change in Canada are just as serious as in the US. And so on. LW's daughter clearly thinks Canada is better than the US, but from my pov our situation is not as solid as she thinks.

[tamsin]

I'm not an American or an Canadian (I'm from Austria) and can't claim to be an expert. But my impression from following the news and listening to peoples experiences is that Canada is more progressive than the US.

Certainly far from perfect and I agree that the situation is not solid. To me it seems that in many countries there's an worrying increase of right wing influence - it's certainly that way in many European countries, including Austria.

But I would have said that the situation in Canada is better than in the US right now, though it's certainly not guaranteed to stay that way. Am I wrong? As someone living there and experiencing the everyday politics and developments, you're certainly better qualified to judge.

I guess I kind of feel that Doyin's response and some of the comments here paint the daughter as naive and not having put actual thought into this - when to me it seems she has been taking this more seriously than LW herself has.

That of course doesn't mean that the family should drop everything and follow daughter's proposal. But a 10 page proposal takes effort and she deserves to be taken seriously and to not have her reasons be dismissed because they come 'from a place of fear'. Fear is a legitimate and reasonable reaction to this situation, and she may have other reasons as well.

IMO LW and her husband should do some soul searching (and maybe research) and think about their own arguments and moral positions and then have an open conversation with their daughter.

For example the LW mentions that her daughter is active in the student council and the community, but not whether she or her husband are. Maybe they could work together as a family towards change and make staying seem more practicable that way?