Care & Feeding: Our Daughter Gave Us a 10 Page Proposal for Emigration

[minoanmiss]

What’s just happened has changed everything for her. I’m a mom to a headstrong teenage girl, and the past few weeks have been challenging to say the least. She is a self-described social justice warrior and a leader in student government and in our small community.

When Roe v. Wade was overturned, everything changed for her. We live in Michigan, and she will not stop talking about moving to Canada or another country. She even typed a ten-page proposal on why we need to leave, which was quite impressive. Our family has the money to move, and my husband said he will strongly consider it depending on the outcome of the midterm elections. Personally, it doesn’t sit well with me to leave when things get rough, but things are really rough in America at the moment, so I almost don’t blame her for feeling this way. Any suggestions on how I should talk to her?

—Miffed in Michigan
Your daughter’s pain is understandable and expected for anyone who holds any empathy for people of marginalized groups in this country. Between the rise of overt racism, women’s rights being under attack, police brutality, and a ridiculous amount of gun violence, just to name a few things—I don’t think it’s hyperbolic to say that America is a complete dumpster fire right now.

As incredibly flawed as America is, I still love this place—and as is the case with anything or anyone we love, we have to keep it real and call it as it is. That said, I feel similarly to you in terms of not running away when the going gets tough.

I don’t think it’s any secret that being a Black person in America is challenging to say the least, and there are times when I feel like crawling into my bed and not moving for hours on end. However, then I think about my ancestors who lived on this land and were beaten, raped, tortured, and killed by their savage captors for centuries. It would be a disgrace to them to sit back and do nothing. That’s why I work as an anti-racism facilitator and speaker for corporations and schools because I know I have the superpower to change the hearts and minds of people. Granted, I’m only one person, but I believe that if enough people stick around and do something meaningful, then we can move mountains.

What could that look like for your daughter? You mentioned she’s in student government, but maybe you can suggest she branch out and volunteer for the political campaigns of candidates who share her ideals. She can mobilize people using social media, rally her community, or speak to her school’s administration to raise awareness about the issues she’s passionate about. The possibilities are endless, but I don’t think throwing in the towel and moving to another country is the best move.

Your daughter’s proposal is likely coming from a place of fear, which is a normal response to the current state of things (for adults and kids alike). It might be helpful to talk to her about times when this country has managed to enact positive changes because people stuck around and fought for them.

The people proposing laws that your daughter is against are hoping people like her pack up her stuff and move away without a fight. I would advise her not to give them what they want.

—Doyin

Comments

[jadelennox]

Being a teenage girl (I am assuming AFAB because otherwise I assume they'd have said) in america, the fall of Roe has more substantial potential affect on her life than it does on Doyin or even her mom. She likely is or wants to be sexually active. If she wants kids, she'll be reckoning with the increased risk to the parent's health of a wanted pregnancy.

I wouldn't send her straight into activism, I'd send her straight into research, personally. What rights are at risk? How can AFAB people protect themselves: in wanted or unwanted pregnancy, in birth control, when receiving medication that might be an abortifacient while technically fertile, online? What rights are by-state? What's at risk in Michigan? Who's fighting for the Michigan rights?

I'd bet that would send her straight into activism, but it might not. In which case, I'd send her to research: one countries have the legal systems that best suit her ideologies? What are the immigration paths to those countries? What skills and languages would she need to learn? What universities are in those countries, and what does she have to study to have a shot to be an international student there? Are there immigration pipelines for Americans of her economic class to migrate there?

Doyin has no standing to tell a teenaged girl to stay and fight if she's (justifiably!) afraid. But her parents have a right to redirect her passion into encouraging her to educate herself about whatever path she takes, and take ownership of the decision.

(Also they should help her manage the fear, but that's separate.)

[lethe1]

Being a teenage girl (I am assuming AFAB because otherwise I assume they'd have said) in america, the fall of Roe has more substantial potential affect on her life than it does on Doyin or even her mom.

Agreed. They are in no position to judge.

LW: I almost don’t blame her for feeling this way.

Almost? Pshaw!

[cimorene]

Well put. This is the big thing that rubs me wrong about this.

My own family have background in the northern half of the US but my sister and I were raised in the deep south, where she still lives because she has a job there, but my parents have been reacting dismissively to her proposals about moving to a blue state since 2016. But my mom is past menopause, while my sister is in her 20s - she's the person at most risk there!

Same with LW's daughter. Everybody seems to be treating her eminently reasonable fears and her apparently fact-based and well-reasoned approach to the situation a bit condescendingly as if it's a knee-jerk emotional reaction vs their older and cooler heads, when actually it seems to me she's put a lot of thought into what sounds like it at least COULD be a decently serious and plausible plan for her future based on a clear-eyed assessment of circumstances, while LW's resistance is a kneejerk emotional response that she doesn't even bother to fully parse.

[minoanmiss]

Everybody seems to be treating her eminently reasonable fears and her apparently fact-based and well-reasoned approach to the situation a bit condescendingly as if it's a knee-jerk emotional reaction vs their older and cooler heads, when actually it seems to me she's put a lot of thought into what sounds like it at least COULD be a decently serious and plausible plan for her future based on a clear-eyed assessment of circumstances, while LW's resistance is a kneejerk emotional response that she doesn't even bother to fully parse.

LW's resistance definitely is a reflexive and unconsidered response which she should have been encouraged to examine, but I didn't think Doyin was being dismissive of the LW's daughter's viewpoint, not least because he used being Black in the US as an example of how hard it can be to live in this country in order to illuminate how hard it is/is going to be for a young woman. I found that surprisingly empathetic of him.

[cimorene]

OK yeah, that's true, good point. He acknowledged her fear well; it's just that the end of the response focuses on staying and fighting which gave it a little more weight in my mind, I guess.

[minoanmiss]

(And I totally agree your mom shouldn't be dismissive of your sister's desire to move, sheesh.)