agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My stepmom suggested that I stole money from her bedroom while she was out of town. I know deep down that she has never liked me and was waiting for an excuse to point the finger at me for something like this. She has no evidence that I stole anything, and she can’t even give a straightforward answer for why I would have done something like this. I don’t care what she thinks, but my dad is “refusing to take sides.”

Would I be wrong to cut off my dad for not having my back? The hard part is that I still live with them. I just graduated from college, and I am looking for a job. I need to be here for a while longer, but I hate being accused of a crime in my own house. How can I handle this? -- Wild Accusations

DEAR WILD ACCUSATIONS: Your dad is caught in an extremely uncomfortable situation. He wants to trust you, and he wants to keep peace in his house. Right now, I’m sure it feels like there’s no winning in this situation for you. Rather than cutting off your dad -- which seems unrealistic since you are in his house -- talk to him. Tell him your side of the story. Don’t complain too much about his wife, though. You need to find a way to maintain peace with her while you are living there. Ask your dad to trust you and to look at your track record. If there is no previous reason for you to be considered a thief, point that out to him. Tell your stepmom that you are sorry she is missing money, but you did not take it.

Next, focus on getting a job and moving. Clearly, you are not welcome -- at least from your stepmom’s perspective. Plot a course toward your independence. When you are able to live on your own, you will feel more relaxed and can create space to be respected by your family on your own terms.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2022/07/01

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1. The comments are full of "It's not your house, it's HIS house and also hers, so get out" which is such a bizarrely callous take I can't even.

2. They're also full of "LW didn't actually say they didn't do it, therefore they did do it because only a guilty person would say it can't be proven" which - man, people are such terrible communicators, seriously. They say all sorts of stupid shit in weird ways, and *sometimes* that indicates something about their deep inner state, and *sometimes* it means they're just terrible at communicating.

3. With that said, this isn't a "Whose potato salad is better" situation or "Is my garage band music or just noise, and how loud was it really" situation. There's no "not taking sides" here. Either you believe your child stole the money, or you do not. If you do not believe that your child stole the money, you either believe that some sum of money has gone missing or you do not - and if it's the latter, either you think your spouse has utterly lost it, or you think they're making up shit for kicks.

There's no middle ground here, and there's no way to pretend that there *is* one.

So with that in mind, and putting aside the total no-contact option, I think LW really does have to start making an exit plan, even if it involves some compromises. Because either their stepmother really does think they're a thief, or she's willing to blatantly lie about it, and either way, Dad won't back them up.

You nailed it.

Yep.

The big miss in the letter and the response is "ten bucks says dad took the money if money was indeed taken"

That is an extremely rational reason for him to "not want to take sides "

That did not occur to me, and if that IS the reason - oof, that's a problem.

I'm not the only person with such experience with family to come to that conclusion, I see.

I'm not alone. Can't really say I'm glad about that, but I'm validated and relieved. :-/

This is what I was thinking. And that when the wife accused them the dad stayed quiet. And so I double down on the get out fast. Get out so fast.

she should def. make an exit plan because there's no way out of that if the step-mom won't allow for a grey area. I've lived with people who stole cash and lied about it, and it's been complicated because I understood why and at the same time got really upset. Accusations didn't work because unless you have like video proof, it's not something easily proven in a shared household where people move around ordinarily. What eventually worked for me was talking privately with them when it happened, stating what had probably happened and that I was hurt but open to amends, and that I wasn't certain, only probable. One made amends but refuses to admit it out of shame, another years later was 'oh yeah I did that all the time', and - you gotta decide if it's the money or the relationship.

I'm not talking about like identity theft or credit card fraud where there's planned intent. But kids, teens and young adults stealing ready cash here and there is in my experience common, especially when those kids have stress/shame stuff about money and status.

And I'm absolutely not saying this woman stole from her step-mom - she clearly didn't. But her step-mom isn't being wildly off base if there's lost money and her step-daughter whom she has a strained relationship with, had access. She could've handled it a LOT better though.

It is possible to live in uncertainty - proving a theft by interrogating etc among family is really hard and can break relationships worse than living with uncertainty.

There are situations where "not taking a side" is taking a side.

+1. The columnist is right that LW is no longer welcome at home and should focus on moving out. Going no-contact with members of one's own household would be difficult to achieve, and LW's home will just get more toxic the longer LW remains.

Am I the only one who jumped to wondering if Dad stole the cash?

You are not the only one who wondered.

I think it more likely that the stepmom is just bad with money. Either "can't budget" or "fails to keep track of cash," and she doesn't want to come out and admit it. (Especially if she is worse with money than when she was younger and the numbers were easier to see and the bills didn't stick together and there was more left after paying for pizza delivery.) Her "evidence" may well be that she has less cash than she expects. And that the young adult she doesn't quite trust has access to the drawer where she keeps her cash.

Nope-ity nope you are not

+1 on this.