Dear Prudence: Maybe This Is The Same Wedding As Last Post?

[minoanmiss]

Help! I Think My Niece Is Hiding the Truth About Her Wedding.

Q. Not being taken for a ride: My niece “Annie” is getting married in a few months. It’s at a beautiful outdoor pavilion that often has beautiful weddings. Our family is not extravagant, but we do like slightly nicer things than average. So far, all my nieces and nephews have had really nice weddings. Annie’s mother is probably the most extravagant of us all and has really been looking forward to the wedding. She gave Annie a sizable amount of money and Annie said that she would cover the rest.

Well, we had her bridal shower over the weekend and I found out that Annie is planning to have a bare bones wedding. She basically talked to a bunch of people and got them all to secretly agree to help with different aspects of the wedding instead of hiring people. She is planning on getting someone to grill hot dogs and hamburgers. She is planning on getting a large order of different sides from the local grocery store and serving those. Instead of renting chairs and tables, which is commonly done at this location, she is planning on taking a ton of picnic tables from the adjacent park.

Prudie, not only do I think this is going to be a disaster, but I know her mother will be horrified. Annie has always been a bit more selfish than the rest of the family. She sometimes doesn’t even give presents at events where they are expected—not even a card. I found out that she tried to talk her sister into doing almost nothing for the bridal shower except open presents, ordering a small cheese and meats tray, and giving her the rest of the money. Annie’s mom, however, stepped in and put her foot down. Annie quietly complained until we got to the presents. I’m now putting together some of the things she and others have said.

I think she is looking at the wedding as a way to make a ton of money for her honeymoon and, possibly, a down payment on a house. I understand that everybody has their own views of what they want for their wedding, but she is lying to her mother. So my issue now is two things: do I tell her mother and do I warn others so that they don’t give her the large amount of money or expensive presents that we usually give at the nicer weddings? If she was upfront about some of these things, I wouldn’t be concerned about how much I gave, but our family really hates it when people lie to get things (it has to do with our dad) and I know everybody else would be just as upset as me about the lying. What are your thoughts?



A: I think if you insert yourself into this, you’re inviting unnecessary drama into your life. Let’s take the mom and the rest of the family separately. First, I would be very surprised if Annie’s mom didn’t at least have some inkling of her daughter’s plan, not only because she’s her mom but because she’s already stepped in with the bridal shower. But let’s say she doesn’t. And let’s say that Annie has promised her a big, extravagant, expensive wedding. The question then is what will telling her accomplish at this stage? Do you expect she’s going to take the money back or demand a nicer wedding? I understand your concern, but I worry that you’ll end up enmeshed in a situation that, chances are, isn’t going to change. Annie seems to have a very clear vision for her day and her finances, and that vision will likely lead her on a collision course with her mother one way or another.

As to the family, I’m of two minds. On one hand, I understand that there’s some older family baggage that might get aggravated by giving a gift under false pretensions. So warning your family make protect their feelings. On the other hand, you seem to be operating under a philosophy of gift-giving that is transactional rather than altruistic. This is fine, if that’s the way you see the world. But warning them because of the lying versus warning them because you have a quid pro quo relationship to gifts feel different to me. Making yourself the family whistleblower gets a little close to gossip in this case, and I think that’s going to cause you more stress.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Anyone want popcorn?

[shirou]

I'm not sure I agree with the columnist's advice to stay out of it. On one hand, if Annie is accepting cash gifts under false pretenses, the gift givers deserve to know that. On the other hand, it's unclear what LW actually knows from authoritative sources, and what LW merely suspects. LW certainly should not go spreading rumors.

[kindkit]

Assuming the LW is correct about the situation: apart from the lying, I'm 99% on Annie's side. A wonderful honeymoon or (especially) a down payment on a house are much better things to spend money on than a fancy wedding. She shouldn't take picnic tables from the park, though. That's uncool and probably unworkable.

[ermingarden]

I agree with the columnist. Assuming everything LW thinks about the situation is true, the sh**'s going to hit the fan fairly soon whether or not LW says anything – and if LW doesn't say anything, LW avoids becoming a central player in the ensuing drama. (Leaving aside the fact that that does not seem like a safe assumption to make!)

[melannen]

Annie, take the money and run far away from these people.

However if you don't want to elope please rent actual chairs. The picnic tables aren't actually there for you to steal for your wedding, people still need to be able to have picnics. (Not sure that bit isn't made up for the letter, tbh.)

...However, I do feel like there's an element here where if the guests are expecting a reasonably expensive wedding with professionally-set-up furniture and catered food, there might be some obligation to warn people that is not what it will be? If only so they know to dress appropriately for sitting at public park picnic tables and eating hot dogs (not to mention some people might need to accurately know what they're getting in terms of seating, food, and shade for disability reasons.)

It is interesting that LW is not telling us how they "found out" all this though. LW if it's via Annie herself, please tell her to stop lying about what the wedding will be like (for the reasons above.) If it's via someone else, maybe take it all with a grain of salt? There is a broad range between "not having the lavish wedding her mom wanted" and "plans to use stolen picnic tables for seating".

[sathari]

Okay, what is "bare bones" about a huge backyard barbecue party? LW and I clearly do not share a worldview, because if someone says "bare bones wedding" to me, I think "five minutes in front of a judge to sign the marriage license and no guests beyond the legal requirement for witnessing and no after-party at all". It's just... not the party that LW and possibly Annie's mother seem to think should happen, and since they're not the ones being married, they can just deal.

I do agree with the commenters who say that the guests should know some things about the event to which they're being invited for reasons of health issues (e.g., outdoor venue= potential for allergens, ditto what food is being served, though frankly with a more casual and outdoor venue I'd think it would be easier rather than harder for those with food challenges of whatever sort--- I'm not slagging people with allergies, I just have a couple of food issues myself that aren't allergies but that I do have to manage so I try to draw that one with broad enough strokes--- to BYO if they need to, as opposed to something fancy and catered).

And, okay, I don't have enough expletives for LW's attitude about the shower. I mean, what else is there at a bridal shower except snack foods, snarky and/or sexy anecdotes about married life from those who've been there, and the bride-to-be opening presents? Whatever else LW thinks there is supposed to be is definitely money I agree with Annie is better spent on literally anything else.

[castiron]

Annie has always been a bit more selfish than the rest of the family. She sometimes doesn’t even give presents at events where they are expected—not even a card.

Gasp! Shock! Horror!

Or...maybe sometimes Annie doesn't really like the person and is only showing up at the event because there'll be more family drama if she skips than if she shows. Or maybe her finances are tight, and sometimes she can't risk spending even the $4 for a card.

If Annie were Andrew, would LW describe this behavior as selfish? Or even notice what A had given at events? (Of course, if Annie were Andrew we might not have the letter in the first place, as LW's family would probably be going "of course Andrew's wife's family is paying for the wedding", though there could still be rehearsal dinner drama.)

[torachan]

The LW and family sound terrible. Annie should take their money and run.

[mommy]

I mean, a down payment on a house seems like a better investment than throwing a fancier party. Different people have different priorities.

[zana16]

I am wondering whether the “sizable amount of money” was sizable by 1980s standards. A truly bare bones wedding these days runs at minimum $10K. (Our venue was very low cost, we had a potluck, and there was no alcohol, and we spent at least this much.) The average wedding costs $20K. Both of those are sizable amounts of money! But my experience is that older generations think that things still cost what they did when they got married. Possibly Annie is trying to not go in debt on this party and thus needs to look into cheaper options.

[petrea_mitchell]

I think she is looking at the wedding as a way to make a ton of money for her honeymoon

I'm another vote for "different people have different priorities and that's okay".

I recall a financial advice column I read many many years ago where the columnist said that the had promised his daughter such-and-such amount of money to help pay for her wedding, but that if the couple decided to elope instead, he would not only let them use the money for their honeymoon but personally drive them to the airport.