(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My child has duped me, and it doesn't feel good. She has always been an excellent student -- up until this semester. One class in particular has been tough for her, and her grades reflect her struggle. I have asked her about it repeatedly, including trying to find out if we should get a tutor to help her do better. She has shrugged off all of my suggestions, but the grade has stayed the same. She says she hates her teacher.

My daughter is a senior and claims that she and others have "senioritis." I don't buy that. She is a smart young lady and should not fail (or nearly fail) a class at the end of her high school experience.

Today I learned that she hasn't been doing her homework. My guess is that she hasn't been going to class either. She has a few weeks left before it's all said and done. How can I get her to hunker down right now? I have been rewarding her when she asks for expensive treats and extra hang-out time with friends. I had no idea she was not doing her work during all this time. -- Not a Failure

DEAR NOT A FAILURE: Appeal to the intelligence and practicality of your daughter. Remind her that she has been an excellent student, and her nearly failing grade in this class is an anomaly. Encourage her to dig in and get her grade up to reflect her potential. It would be different if she didn't have the capacity to do a good job. Point out what type of student she has been throughout her academic career. Encourage her to focus on doing all of the work needed in this home stretch. Also, limit her fun time. Don't allow her to spend extra time with friends until she completes her work.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2683314

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

Seems like a gentle inquiry as to why the teacher is so hated might go a long way.

[conuly]

Yes, but that would mean recognizing that there's more to parenting than just Being The One In Charge.

[ashbet]

Yep, all of this.

[conuly]

End of senior year is a bad time to suddenly put your foot down and start being parentally strict. If the kid isn't an adult already, she will be soon.

Daughter gives two possible explanations for why this classwork isn't getting done - "senioritis" and a personal conflict with the teacher. Both are plausible explanations, no matter how "smart" she is, but if this really is just the one class she's having trouble in I suspect the latter is more accurate. (That, or they're both ways of avoiding admitting that the coursework is simply too hard, that she's hit the wall in that subject and doesn't know how to get past it.)

One "near fail" is not going to tank Daughter's life, especially not when college admissions are already in. Instead of going all Tough Parent on her, it's probably more effective to just say "Look, find out what the bare minimum you need to do to scrape a pass is, and I'll help you do it".

Or - let her fail. Natural consequences. Having to take the course again in summer school in order to properly graduate is not the end of the world.

[ermingarden]

I agree that it's likely something more to do with the particular class than general senioritis, but I do think that while a near-fail probably (although not certainly!) wouldn't lead to her college admission offer being revoked, actually failing a class very well could, especially if it keeps her from graduating on time.

[conuly]

Maybe. I'm not entirely sure how real the risk of her actually failing is, tbh. Unless she hates this teacher for being an unreasonable hardass, in my experience it's really unlikely that she'll be failed if she does a push and gets in whatever minimum necessary coursework she needs to within the next couple of weeks. Administration doesn't like their stats getting screwed up because one senior failed one class.

That goes double or even triple if this class is an elective.

[frenzy]

>Also, limit her fun time

Harriette, she is a fucking adult, or about to be. shut up.

[conuly]

Seriously!

[lilysea]

>Also, limit her fun time

Harriette, she is a fucking adult, or about to be. shut up.

Plus if her academic issue is due to Depression or Anxiety, removing fun things will make the situation MUCH WORSE.

I lived this one

[minoanmiss]

I was the daughter and my parents of course flew off the handle. The class was Calculus, which I found just plain completely different from any other math I'd ever done and it kicked my ass. My parents of course concluded I wasn't doing my homework, was skipping class (hard to do at boarding school), would lose my college admissions, etc. I panicked and couldn't figure out what help I needed, how to explain what I was having trouble with, and instead of helping me figure it out my parents just lectured me about laziness, about how reading sci-fi novels was messing with my actual understanding of math and science, about how I was going to Lose My Whole Future. I barely passed and they made me write a letter to my college apologizing for my bad grade. I doubt anyone even read the letter.

If LW is interested in their child as an actual person and not just Progeny Who Must Obey, they could try the one thing my parents wouldn't. They could TALK to their daughter, or rather, LISTEN to her. Why is this course so different? Why doesn't she get along with the teacher? What help would she like? Maybe they can help her figure out what help is possible, if they approach this as an opportunity to help her rather than punish her.

Or listen to Harriette and my parents. IDK. I do know I haven't talked to my parents on the phone this calendar year and haven't seen them in several. Does LW want a relationship like that when Daughter is grown?

Re: I lived this one

[conuly]

JFC, that's all terrible and your parents suck.

[finch]

I failed AP Calculus my senior year and you know what? Nothing bad happened. I already had enough math to graduate, so there was that, but if I was the OP I'd suss out whether it was a class needed for graduation and then have a single practical discussion with my kid about that. But my god if my parents had come down on me like that I would have left for college and never come back.

[melannen]

I very nearly failed AP calculus my senior year, and it was a combo of knowing I didn't actually need the class (partly because if I passed the AP test it didn't matter for college what grade I got), it being senior year, and the second semester grade consisting *entirely* of doing AP practice tests as homework and then going over them in class the next day, and me having zero respect for the teacher (see above.)

The only reason I passed is the teacher thought it would look bad on her for me to fail the class with A's and B's on all my exams and a 4 on the AP test, so she gave me a bunch of super easy "extra credit" the last two weeks.

LW, if she doesn't need the class to get into college, it literally doesn't matter (and if there's no caveat in her college admission, it might not even matter if she graduates high school; I knew several people who went to college without bothering. Although in that case she'd better be 100% sure she'll make it through college.) Try to get out of her if the reason she hates the teacher really is something she needs a parent to back her up with, and if it isn't, well, let the senior enjoy her senioritis. Figuring what is and isn't worth stressing over is actually a hugely important skill for college, and she seems to have a better handle on it than you do.

[torachan]

Terrible LW gets equally terrible advice.

It's the end of the year. Who cares. Let her do what she wants.

[yalovetz]

I would be concerned that there are some red flags here that the teacher might be abusing her.

[lassarina]

This was also my thought.

[grammarwoman]

If this is a recent letter, how did neither of them mention that it has been a shitty past few years to be a kid in school? My son was online for all of sophomore year, and had to deal with disruptions and alterations in "normal" school this year. I honestly don't know how college admissions are going to treat grades coming out of this pandemic, but I can only hope they'll have some sense of perspective.

My kid also barely passed two classes from a combo of hitting subjects that he didn't instantly understand and being unable to grok them, do the homework, or ask for help, with one of the classes being the first of the school day when he's still an absolute zombie. I had to settle for him scraping by, and hope I can help him more next year.

[azurelunatic]

In my case, it was undiagnosed ADHD and depression. Carrot and stick doesn't work for ADHD.

[ekaterinn]

It's her senior year, it's one class, and if this is a recent letter, it sounds like she's been extraordinarily successful during a fucking pandemic. I hope OP ignored this terrible advice and let her daughter enjoy the last couple of months of high school.