Care and Feeding: My Husband’s Family Is Creepily Involved in My Teenage Daughter’s Boob Job

[ermingarden]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I feel strange asking this low-stakes question based on everything going on in America, but here goes. I’m a mom and my only daughter is 18 and will be graduating high school shortly. The only thing she wants for a graduation gift is breast augmentation surgery. We have the money to pay for it, and she inherited my flat-chested genes, but wants no part of looking that way. She only wants a small C cup, not anything over the top. I’m on board with it because it will make her feel better about herself, but my in-laws are vehemently against it. They keep shaming me and my daughter for even considering it, and now my husband thinks we shouldn’t allow it. I think we should go forward with it. What do you think?

—Busty or Busted

Dear Busty,

There’s no need to qualify your question. Yes, America is a dumpster fire right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss your personal problems here. This column serves as a safe space for every reader.

That said, I’m 100 percent on your side on this. Yes, I know I’m speaking from a male perspective, but I don’t see any harm in a young adult making a decision that will make her feel better about herself. The only caveat to that, of course, is if she wants to get the surgery due to pressure from boys/men to look a certain way, because that would give me some pause. If the motivation is intrinsic, then I believe she should do it without hesitation.

Also, I think we’re at the point where people need to stop telling women what they should (or shouldn’t) do with their bodies. You asked for my opinion, so I gave it to you, but at the end of the day, nobody’s opinion should matter other than your daughter’s. I don’t know why your in-laws have such strong feelings about your daughter’s body, but I would remind them that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases, and they should support her.

I would also remind your husband of that fact and not have him join in the long line of men who think it’s cool to make decisions on female bodies. Because when it’s all said and done, she’ll probably go through with the surgery with or without your help. If it’s done without your help, it will probably come with a great deal of resentment that could negatively affect your relationship with her going forward.

I think it’s high time that we empower young women to do whatever they please as long as it’s within reason, and this request is definitely reasonable.

—Doyin

Comments

[shanaqui]

Yeah, I feel this.

I had an initial kneejerk toward "she shouldn't do it", but if she's a legal adult, it's her decision. I'm not in love with the reasoning that she's too young to do such a thing to her body, because the same arguments are used against trans people. "You don't know who you are yet", "you're not secure in your own body yet", "you might grow out of it", etc. I know people don't automatically think of breast augmentation as being something that falls into that category, but body dysphoria isn't all about gender, and the most surprising things have impacted it for me.

Whether the parents should pay or not is a different problem; if they've offered her that amount of money, I probably fall on the side of thinking they should uphold their offer, though I probably personally would not pay for such a thing as a graduation present.

If they have begun to worry about it, then maybe it'd be worth suggesting things like "we'll put the money aside for now, in your account, but we'd like to ask you to wait until you're 21 as a favour to us". I personally didn't finish growing taller until I was 23 (yes, I know, female-bodied people typically stop growing earlier than that, but I initially stalled at about age 15 and then resumed growing when I was 20, gaining two more inches of height), for example, and my body shape definitely stayed in flux until at least then. It's worth mentioning to her that any such changes may change her decision about how she would like the breast augmentation to look. Any surgery needs informed consent, so her awareness of such considerations is important.

If she has serious self-esteem issues around her looks (which this desire for surgery suggests), then I do also recommend asking her if she'd like to speak to someone about that at the parents' expense, too. Not as a requirement for the surgery, just as something that may be helpful to her.