agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My husband comes from a large blended family. His mom is married to a man he has known as his stepdad for his entire life.

Recently, our teenage daughter revealed that she's uncomfortable around this stepdad because he gropes her inappropriately while hugging and greeting her. My husband mentioned this to his mother and stepdad and politely asked that he stop. They were distant for a while, and then they started sending ugly messages about how they'd rather never speak to us again.

They have since sent messages to extended family that no one should speak to us.

It's been crickets since February 2022.

Last week, my husband's mother was in a major accident. We only found out because his sister called to tell us about it. We had no idea she was in such a state, and my husband is quite upset. Had it not been for the sister who broke ranks, he wouldn't have known.

It's his mother. He deserves to get to say goodbye to her. What should we do to at least allow him to speak to and wish his mother goodbye? -- Son Blocked From Ailing Mom

Dear Blocked Son: He should go and visit his mother as soon as he can. Try your best to put all the anger and resentment he and you have toward both of them aside, and just go visit her. Always know that your teenage daughter was right and brave to speak up about your husband's stepdad. That takes courage, and you did nothing wrong. But since his mother is not doing well, he should go visit her.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2675775

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Will Mom agree to see him? Maybe not. What if she - or the people making the decisions, anyway - doesn't? What if the rest of the family has all been told a pack of lies about LW's husband?

None of this is addressed, and furthermore... I get that this is sudden, but looking at this clearly, does he really want to make a long trip for a probably unsatisfying goodbye? He may not have time to make the choice, but it should at least be acknowledged that maybe he'd be better off spending the money he could spend on a trip on therapy or his daughter's college education or a trip to Disneyland. He can always call Mom.

does he really want to make a long trip.... (emphasis mine)

This is a minor point and maybe I'm missing something, but I'm not clear from the letter how far away (in geographic as opposed to emotional terms) LW and husband and daughter are from husband's mother/other extended family. So how much time/expense/energy/logistics/effort is involved in husband's going to (attempt to) say goodbye to his mother in person is definitely a factor.

True, though I'll argue that any trip is too long given the way she acted.

And does the LW's husband even want advice of the form "a complete stranger thinks you should do this"? It's not just that it's bad advice--it's that I suspect the actual son and his wife (LW) disagree.

A few years ago, Captain Awkward put in her site policies that she won't answer questions of the form "I'm a woman, writing to ask for advice for what a man should do." A lot of those were "how can I smooth things out between my husband/boyfriend and his parents or other relatives?" If the guy wants advice, he can sit down at the keyboard himself, and ask what he should do, not what the women in his life should do to make his life easier.

That was wise of CA

Does LW even *want* to see his mom? There is no evidence of that in the letter!

LW, if your husband wants to see his mom, you should help him find out from the sister who broke ranks how to visit her, and then support him in going, while preparing for the possibility she'll slam the door in his face. (And also preparing for how you will protect your daughter if she does want to reconcile.)

If he doesn't want to go, you should shut up about it and honor his choice.

If he asks for your advice - and only then! - you should use your knowledge of him to help him figure out what would be best for him. Not what he "deserves".

(You should probably also ask your daughter if she wants to try to say goodbye to her grandma, and honor that too.)

yeah this is terrible advice. But it is actually advice a lot of people follow.

Go and ignore the elephant in the room seems to be a go to for many many folks.

LW if your husband wants to say goodbye to his mom. Then he should go. He should also tell your daughter he is going to say goodbye, not to absolve the mother and stepdad of the things they did, but for him to make his peace with it. He should be seeing if she is OK with that. And then he should be (and perhaps you all should be) getting some therapy for that elephant.

They "politely asked that he stop" groping their daughter!!!! and then the mother and stepdad are the ones that cut off the relationship? WHY IN HELL didn't LW and her husband cut it off at that point?

This.

He presumably thought his mother didn't know, and maybe he and his wife had some thought at the time that it was the sort of thing that might be innocently meant or unintentional. (Don't ask me how it could be, I'm just trying to get into their possible headspace.) Judging from the response, no way in hell, but people often bend over backwards to forgive their parents.

Edited 2022-05-23 20:28 (UTC)