agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

We are celebrating my daughter’s fourth birthday in a week, and her whole class is invited. As a rule of thumb and attempt to be inclusive, we always invite the whole class. This is her first birthday after the pandemic so she’s been really excited about it. Anyway, one of her friends’ moms messaged me saying her son can make it. I told her that’s great and let her know we’re asking one parent to be there since it’s a big place and we’ve invited her whole class. She replied saying no problem, and proceeded to tell me that she’s celebrating her son’s birthday at the same place with only a few friends, and that she hopes my daughter isn’t disappointed when she hears the kids talking about it. She then said that we weren’t up for a “whole class party” emphasizing my words. Her response just didn’t sit well with me.

I asked her if she could extend the invite to my daughter as she will be disappointed and it will come across as unfair to her (seemed as if the party was shortly after hers), while I completely understand it is a small party. I also know the venue owner is super flexible on having an additional kid and there’s normally a range for parties. To which she replied that it is still not possible to include my daughter and has sent stickers for the rest of the class. While she recognized and appreciated my efforts to be inclusive, she maintained that her son’s party is only for a small number of kids and hoped I could understand that this is the best decision for her family at this time. I was disappointed but not surprised, and let her know that while I appreciate her gesture to send stickers, it is not good enough and I cannot defend this to my daughter. I let her know that perhaps it’s best if her son doesn’t come to the party as well, so it doesn’t come across as unfair to my daughter. I told her I hope she understood that this is the best decision for my family at this time.

I just got a response saying “Wow, ok.” Do you think I handled the situation in the right way? While I don’t expect my daughter to be invited to every single party because we had the means to do so, the way this mother responded to me was very entitled and not communicated very well. It had a very “sorry, not sorry” tone. I honestly felt attacked for being inclusive (by her emphasis on ‘whole class’). Would love to hear your thoughts, thanks for listening!

—Inclusive Mom

Dear Inclusive,

Obviously, I don’t know this mom at all, and there’s certainly a chance that she’s entitled and aloof — but what if she didn’t host a large party due to financial reasons? As you know, those birthday parties can be expensive, and not everyone has the means to invite an entire class of kids. I know her comments of “not being up for a whole class party” may seem rude and condescending, but maybe that’s her way of saying she can’t afford a whole class party.

I totally understand that it’s a shot to your ego that your daughter wasn’t on the short list of invitees (it would be a shot to my ego if I was in your shoes), but it doesn’t seem like this kid is one of your daughter’s best friends, so is it worth it to “retaliate” by not inviting him? I would probably choose to take the high road and continue with the plan to invite the whole class without exception.

You mentioned it would be difficult to defend this to your daughter, but I think it could be used as an opportunity to teach her that you can’t control what other families do, but you will do your part to be as inclusive as possible. Of course if the kid is a bully, racist, misogynist, etc., then all bets are off regarding invitations — but that doesn’t seem like it’s the case here.

One other thing to consider is it seems like this exchange took place via text or email. We both know that tone is easily misconstrued with the written word, so maybe a quick phone call or an in-person meeting at school pickup or drop-off would’ve been more effective to avoid any misunderstandings.

It may not seem like it, but I absolutely empathize with you. My daughters’ preschool also had an “everybody or nobody” rule in terms of inviting classmates to birthday parties. I followed that rule by inviting everyone to my kids’ parties, but I was one of a few parents who did, and that bothered the heck out of me. In hindsight, I probably did not do it because I’m a rule-follower, but because I was the only Black parent at that fancy preschool and I didn’t want to be singled out for not falling in line.

What’s done is done. Going forward, the last thing you want to do is cause any unnecessary drama for you and your child due to this, so you may want to clear the air with the mom if you’re up for it. Being the bigger person doesn’t always feel good, but at least it will help to end any potential awkward interactions in the future.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/kids-helmet-skateboarding-advice.html

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wow. Just, wow.

Imagine being so privileged that the thought of the cost of the party never even occurs to you?! Jaw-dropping letter.

Privileged and childish, too - "You didn't invite my precious daughter, so no invites for you! I take mine back!"

SO childish. Asking if you did the right thing by disinviting ONE kid out of the whole class with the rationale that you "can't justify" the other party not inviting her? It verges on parody. Gee, I wonder if petty retaliation when I feel butthurt sets a better, more explainable example for my child than accepting that sometimes everybody doesn't get invited to every party?

Or that the kid is the one not "up for a whole class party" because socializing with that many kids is stressful.

I told her I hope she understood that this is the best decision for my family at this time.

MEOW!

Get off your high horse, LW.

Lady, isn't life hard enough? Good luck to your daughter.

Good luck explaining to your daughter that only one kid is missing because you're an asshat.

Ob. Nox. Ious.

My sister and I were both December babies—either side of Christmas. We got a big party on even birthdays and a small dinner out with a couple of friends on odd birthdays—because that’s what my parents had money, time, energy to do. They would have been flabbergasted if a parent had kicked up a fuss about a “small birthday” year.

I think “everybody or nobody” policies are usually “if you are going to invite half the class or more it has to be all,” yes? Not a small group, as described in this letter? (Child free, wth do I know)

The "everybody or nobody" policies only apply to handing out invitations at school. Families can do whatever they want on their own time.

"after the pandemic"

anyway

Some kids have whole-class parties. Others do not. It has been that way at least since I was a child, which was a long time ago.

Yeah I kind of stopped processing the letter after that line.

in sixth grade, one girl invited everyone in the class to the party except me. Handed out the invites at school. The cupboard in which I keep my fucks is lacking any I can give about LW's concerns.

My daughter is in her sixth year of school, and in that time there has been exactly one whole-class party. Most parents can't afford them and/or don't want the hassle. And my daughter has not been invited to that many parties, and sometimes that makes me a little sad, but that is mine to deal with not anybody else's (including my daughter, who doesn't seem at all bothered).

I have been the parent who couldn't have afforded to have the whole class for a party, even a party at my house. This is one reason why my kids always had birthday parties where the guests were their nearby cousins rather than their classmates, or where they didn't have a party, just a special family meal with cake and fancy ice cream. (The other reason is that I never had contact information for the other parents so couldn't invite only the two or three kids my kid liked best; if I was sending invitations I had to send them to school, which meant whole class.)

If I had been in the other parent's shoes.... I'd have probably said "sorry, can't go, my kid's having their own party that afternoon, and two parties in one day would turn my kid into a hyper and exhausted bundle of sugar high." If I really felt my kid needed to go to the other party too, I'd say "hey, I'm not able to invite more kids to my kid's party, but would your kid like to do X one-on-one thing with my kid in a week or two?" Or if my finances and the venue's cancellation policies allowed, I'd have said "hey, since we're both looking at the same venue on the same day, how would you feel about doing a joint class party and splitting the cost?"

This is her first birthday after the pandemic.

I see why LW phrased it this way, because covid is so much less scary this year than last year or the year before. (And because the child has no memory of 2019.) We are still talking about unvaccinated small children in a world with "unchecked community spread" in way too many places."

In 2019, I had a money budget. Now I have a money budget and a covid risk budget. I can stretch the covid risk budget for a special occasion...but NOT for somebody who gets pushy about it. I don't trust those people.

The daughter is FOUR. Trust me, she's not going to care about not going to the other kid's birthday for long, if AT ALL. It's a real dick move for LW to dis-invite the other kid - inclusion does only count when you get to feel smug about it. Also, the pandemic is NOT over, and I hope most of the party is going to be outside.

-Signed, a former prek teacher

let her know that while I appreciate her gesture to send stickers, it is not good enough and I cannot defend this to my daughter

If you can't explain this to your kid in a way that will blunt any rejection pain they might be feeling, I hate to think what the next 16 years are going to be like for them. You're showing an alarming lack of understanding and empathy here, and kids need both to learn how the world works. Anyway, have fun collecting your clique of privileged mean bullies. I hope it works well for you and that they'll have your back when life shits on you.