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Dear Care and Feeding,
We are celebrating my daughter’s fourth birthday in a week, and her whole class is invited. As a rule of thumb and attempt to be inclusive, we always invite the whole class. This is her first birthday after the pandemic so she’s been really excited about it. Anyway, one of her friends’ moms messaged me saying her son can make it. I told her that’s great and let her know we’re asking one parent to be there since it’s a big place and we’ve invited her whole class. She replied saying no problem, and proceeded to tell me that she’s celebrating her son’s birthday at the same place with only a few friends, and that she hopes my daughter isn’t disappointed when she hears the kids talking about it. She then said that we weren’t up for a “whole class party” emphasizing my words. Her response just didn’t sit well with me.
I asked her if she could extend the invite to my daughter as she will be disappointed and it will come across as unfair to her (seemed as if the party was shortly after hers), while I completely understand it is a small party. I also know the venue owner is super flexible on having an additional kid and there’s normally a range for parties. To which she replied that it is still not possible to include my daughter and has sent stickers for the rest of the class. While she recognized and appreciated my efforts to be inclusive, she maintained that her son’s party is only for a small number of kids and hoped I could understand that this is the best decision for her family at this time. I was disappointed but not surprised, and let her know that while I appreciate her gesture to send stickers, it is not good enough and I cannot defend this to my daughter. I let her know that perhaps it’s best if her son doesn’t come to the party as well, so it doesn’t come across as unfair to my daughter. I told her I hope she understood that this is the best decision for my family at this time.
I just got a response saying “Wow, ok.” Do you think I handled the situation in the right way? While I don’t expect my daughter to be invited to every single party because we had the means to do so, the way this mother responded to me was very entitled and not communicated very well. It had a very “sorry, not sorry” tone. I honestly felt attacked for being inclusive (by her emphasis on ‘whole class’). Would love to hear your thoughts, thanks for listening!
—Inclusive Mom
Dear Inclusive,
Obviously, I don’t know this mom at all, and there’s certainly a chance that she’s entitled and aloof — but what if she didn’t host a large party due to financial reasons? As you know, those birthday parties can be expensive, and not everyone has the means to invite an entire class of kids. I know her comments of “not being up for a whole class party” may seem rude and condescending, but maybe that’s her way of saying she can’t afford a whole class party.
I totally understand that it’s a shot to your ego that your daughter wasn’t on the short list of invitees (it would be a shot to my ego if I was in your shoes), but it doesn’t seem like this kid is one of your daughter’s best friends, so is it worth it to “retaliate” by not inviting him? I would probably choose to take the high road and continue with the plan to invite the whole class without exception.
You mentioned it would be difficult to defend this to your daughter, but I think it could be used as an opportunity to teach her that you can’t control what other families do, but you will do your part to be as inclusive as possible. Of course if the kid is a bully, racist, misogynist, etc., then all bets are off regarding invitations — but that doesn’t seem like it’s the case here.
One other thing to consider is it seems like this exchange took place via text or email. We both know that tone is easily misconstrued with the written word, so maybe a quick phone call or an in-person meeting at school pickup or drop-off would’ve been more effective to avoid any misunderstandings.
It may not seem like it, but I absolutely empathize with you. My daughters’ preschool also had an “everybody or nobody” rule in terms of inviting classmates to birthday parties. I followed that rule by inviting everyone to my kids’ parties, but I was one of a few parents who did, and that bothered the heck out of me. In hindsight, I probably did not do it because I’m a rule-follower, but because I was the only Black parent at that fancy preschool and I didn’t want to be singled out for not falling in line.
What’s done is done. Going forward, the last thing you want to do is cause any unnecessary drama for you and your child due to this, so you may want to clear the air with the mom if you’re up for it. Being the bigger person doesn’t always feel good, but at least it will help to end any potential awkward interactions in the future.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/kids-helmet-skateboarding-advice.html
We are celebrating my daughter’s fourth birthday in a week, and her whole class is invited. As a rule of thumb and attempt to be inclusive, we always invite the whole class. This is her first birthday after the pandemic so she’s been really excited about it. Anyway, one of her friends’ moms messaged me saying her son can make it. I told her that’s great and let her know we’re asking one parent to be there since it’s a big place and we’ve invited her whole class. She replied saying no problem, and proceeded to tell me that she’s celebrating her son’s birthday at the same place with only a few friends, and that she hopes my daughter isn’t disappointed when she hears the kids talking about it. She then said that we weren’t up for a “whole class party” emphasizing my words. Her response just didn’t sit well with me.
I asked her if she could extend the invite to my daughter as she will be disappointed and it will come across as unfair to her (seemed as if the party was shortly after hers), while I completely understand it is a small party. I also know the venue owner is super flexible on having an additional kid and there’s normally a range for parties. To which she replied that it is still not possible to include my daughter and has sent stickers for the rest of the class. While she recognized and appreciated my efforts to be inclusive, she maintained that her son’s party is only for a small number of kids and hoped I could understand that this is the best decision for her family at this time. I was disappointed but not surprised, and let her know that while I appreciate her gesture to send stickers, it is not good enough and I cannot defend this to my daughter. I let her know that perhaps it’s best if her son doesn’t come to the party as well, so it doesn’t come across as unfair to my daughter. I told her I hope she understood that this is the best decision for my family at this time.
I just got a response saying “Wow, ok.” Do you think I handled the situation in the right way? While I don’t expect my daughter to be invited to every single party because we had the means to do so, the way this mother responded to me was very entitled and not communicated very well. It had a very “sorry, not sorry” tone. I honestly felt attacked for being inclusive (by her emphasis on ‘whole class’). Would love to hear your thoughts, thanks for listening!
—Inclusive Mom
Dear Inclusive,
Obviously, I don’t know this mom at all, and there’s certainly a chance that she’s entitled and aloof — but what if she didn’t host a large party due to financial reasons? As you know, those birthday parties can be expensive, and not everyone has the means to invite an entire class of kids. I know her comments of “not being up for a whole class party” may seem rude and condescending, but maybe that’s her way of saying she can’t afford a whole class party.
I totally understand that it’s a shot to your ego that your daughter wasn’t on the short list of invitees (it would be a shot to my ego if I was in your shoes), but it doesn’t seem like this kid is one of your daughter’s best friends, so is it worth it to “retaliate” by not inviting him? I would probably choose to take the high road and continue with the plan to invite the whole class without exception.
You mentioned it would be difficult to defend this to your daughter, but I think it could be used as an opportunity to teach her that you can’t control what other families do, but you will do your part to be as inclusive as possible. Of course if the kid is a bully, racist, misogynist, etc., then all bets are off regarding invitations — but that doesn’t seem like it’s the case here.
One other thing to consider is it seems like this exchange took place via text or email. We both know that tone is easily misconstrued with the written word, so maybe a quick phone call or an in-person meeting at school pickup or drop-off would’ve been more effective to avoid any misunderstandings.
It may not seem like it, but I absolutely empathize with you. My daughters’ preschool also had an “everybody or nobody” rule in terms of inviting classmates to birthday parties. I followed that rule by inviting everyone to my kids’ parties, but I was one of a few parents who did, and that bothered the heck out of me. In hindsight, I probably did not do it because I’m a rule-follower, but because I was the only Black parent at that fancy preschool and I didn’t want to be singled out for not falling in line.
What’s done is done. Going forward, the last thing you want to do is cause any unnecessary drama for you and your child due to this, so you may want to clear the air with the mom if you’re up for it. Being the bigger person doesn’t always feel good, but at least it will help to end any potential awkward interactions in the future.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/kids-helmet-skateboarding-advice.html