Dear Abby: Oh Abby No

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Is there any way to counter a stranger's mean or hurtful remark (racist, age-related or sexist) in a mall or store? I feel I have to say something -- without being confrontational -- even if the remark isn't aimed at me. What do you suggest? -- COMPELLED TO ACT IN OTTAWA, CANADA

DEAR COMPELLED: Because you don't want a confrontation, I urge you to say nothing to the person who made the offensive remark. However, you could approach the person who was the target and quietly say: "That was uncalled for. I hope you realize the person who said that is ignorant, and don't let it get to you."

Comments

[ambyr]

On the one hand, I support your facepalming at Abby. On the other hand "I feel I have to say something -- without being confrontational" is a pretty impossible request to fulfill.

[cereta]

Oh, yeah, that was basically a no-win. It was the last bit that got me.

[cereta]

There are many things to address here, but I'm stuck on the very last clause. If, in fact, Abby is suggesting that a white person/man/able-bodied person/straight person/cis person/etc tell a POC/woman/disabled person/LGB person/trans or genderqueer person "not to let racism/sexism/ablism/homophobia/transphobia "get to [them]," that is not, in fact, making the situation BETTER.

[left_turns]

Sure it is! It'll make the less priveleged person give them cookies for being a good ally, and they'll feel better about themselves!

</ cynicism>

This kind of reminds me of a discussion I had a few places after the Orlando shooting where well-meaning allies got upset because other queer people and/or I were making it "all about gay people" and not respecting that "we're all just humans," so we should try harder to include them and comfort them. I mean, I know it comes from a place of good intentions, but... WTF exactly is "don't worry, I'm not a bigot!" supposed to do for anyone who's actually being oppressed?

[minoanmiss]

"Making it all about gay people". The sweet gay baby Jesus wept.

*rolls my eyes SO HARD at their allegedly 'allied' antics* You're kinder than I am.

[left_turns]

Oh, I'm not kind, I'm from Louisville. As much as we deny being part of Kentucky, I'm still enough from The South to just smile politely and let people make themselves look stupid without my help once they get started.

But I don't know, I think that there's a certain type of ally, like the "this is a human tragedy!" crowd, and the letter writer who--I guess--wanted to show some kind of solidarity or support to people who'd gone through something bad, who, even if they're really faily at it, mean well. It'd be just as easy for them to not say anything. In a lot of cases it just seems better in the long run to take the support as it's intended, because if I get cranky with them, what they're going to take away is "I tried to be nice and this cranky bi genderqueer was all mean to me!" And maybe next time they won't want to try to be so supported.

I mean, I'm lucky in that I pass for straight and female, so I don't have to keep explaining myself and explaining myself. Maybe I'd feel a lot differently about it if I did. So... eh, C+ for effort, and I'll just sort of ignore the awkward stuff they said unless they keep doing it.

[cereta]

"we're all just humans," so we should try harder to include them and comfort them.

There is no way in which I should be surprised by this anymore, and yet? I am. Because, you know, straight people were the real victims.

[left_turns]

Well, according to one person I ended up arguing with, they're part of it too because the A in QUILTBAG only stands for "ally" and nothing else. It meant "ally" before it meant "asexual" or "agender," so saying that it can be any of them is just revisionism. So even if they're straight, they're still part of the LGBTQ+ community too.

At which point I just kind of went "...g'nite, everybody!" and wandered off, because I did not have the reserves left to explain to them the many, many, many things wrong with that idea.