Dear Prudence: A "mistake" from 30 years ago has come back to haunt me

[minoanmiss]

Content advisory: adoption, secrets, asshole LW



I had a really, really dumb fling with my wife’s sister before we were married. I was 17 at the time, my girlfriend (Anna) was 18 and her sister (Bec) was 16. Bec and I hooked up when we were both high and drunk. It was nothing. A one-off mistake. Bec is not even into men, and she has never been my type. Anna and I had a fight and weren’t speaking, bumped into Bec at a party whose first girl crush just rejected her, and one thing led to another. We regretted it when sober and vowed to never mention it.

Five months later, we found out she was pregnant. She had no idea. Until she started getting pains in her side and went to the doctor, and she hadn’t gotten a period yet (her family are late bloomers, her sister didn’t start getting periods until she was 17, same with their mom apparently). Bec said she did not want kids, especially at 16, but it was too late for an abortion. She pretended it was a random guy, and her family supported her through a closed adoption in another state. Anna and I went on to get married four years later and had three kids of our own. Bec married a lovely woman, Sarah, and they also had two kids, carried one each. The four of us and our four kids were close and still are—the only reason I use were is that Bec passed away a year ago. Her kids are teens, and she died in her 40s from COVID.

Three weeks ago, a young man came looking for his mom. Bec never told her wife and kids about her son she put up for adoption. Anna and I didn’t tell them either: Not our story to tell. (I never told Anna about the one-night stand.)

The kid, Henry, has apparently had a good life and loves his adoptive family but is looking for his roots. He was able to access his birth records when he was 18, but it took him a while to track her down. No father was listed. He’s been staying with Sarah and the kids; they were in shock, but they are a lovely family and have really taken to him. Sarah is treating him like her step-son, which is lovely. But he has been asking about his dad. Anna knows nothing as Bec refused to talk. She firmly told her sister she was a lesbian and her one mistake with a man wasn’t going to define her. Sarah knows nothing, she didn’t even know about Henry. She was hurt over that, but her love for Bec is stronger than that. My kids actually suggested to Henry he do a DNA test; my kids and Sarah’s kids have both jumped on board and reckon they are all going to order test kits together with Henry “for fun.” I am in a fucking panic.

I love my wife and family. I have it so good. Can I really be ruined for a mistake I made 30 years ago as a stupid drunk kid? We have three young/teen kids, they deserve to have a happy, non-broken family. What can I do to stop this DNA test? I’m thinking of inventing a fake father. Saying Bec told me about him but didn’t want anyone to know as he was a bad guy. Maybe if Henry thinks his dad is a seedy asshole, he won’t bother looking. Or will that blow up in my face? He seems like a nice kid, and I know he wants to stick around to get to know his mom’s two kids, his step-mom and his cousins, but I just need him out of here. How can I make him go away? Without revealing the truth? I’ve been nice but a bit distant to him.
I reckon he looks like me. No one else has noticed though, thank Christ.

— Mistakes Won’t Stay Away
Dear Mistakes,

Often, we ask the wrong questions in response to the problems in our lives, perhaps hoping to receive answers that will fit what we want. But what we want and what can happen are two different things. The question of how you can stop the DNA test is, I’m sorry to say, not the right one. Short of some kind of caper, you can’t. It feels like this situation has already escalated—Henry is living with Sarah and her kids. This feels like an unusual step, to be honest, but it’s already occurred. He is a part of your family and he rightfully has more questions about his origins, and inventing a fake father isn’t going to satisfy those questions, only produce more.

Also, not for nothing, but he is your son. I know you didn’t intend to have a child but a person exists and his mother is deceased and you are plotting ways of getting rid of him. You’re asking the wrong questions at every step. So what are the right questions? How can you prepare yourself and your family for the news when you deliver it? You will need to be honest with your loved ones. I’d suggest telling the adults first, then the kids, and then tell Henry one-on-one. Each party will have a very different reaction, I imagine, but by being proactive and owning your part in this, you will save everyone involved a lot of hurt. Another question, this one you asked, albeit rhetorically: Can you really be ruined by a mistake you made 30 years ago? No. In this case, the mistake is information, neither malevolent nor benevolent. But you can be ruined by the actions you take in the present if those actions aren’t about setting things right.

Comments

[cereta]

...I'm just going to go scream into a pillow in rage.

[shirou]

At least a quarter of letters could be answered by: "The truth is the best solution. Tell it while it's still yours to tell."

[conuly]

Anna and I went on to get married four years later and had three kids of our own. Bec married a lovely woman, Sarah, and they also had two kids, carried one each. The four of us and our four kids were close and still are—the only reason I use were is that Bec passed away a year ago. Her kids are teens, and she died in her 40s from COVID.

In normal math, 3+2=5. How did LW forget one of the children?

Saying Bec told me about him but didn’t want anyone to know as he was a bad guy. Maybe if Henry thinks his dad is a seedy asshole, he won’t bother looking. Or will that blow up in my face?

If you tell him this, you'll at least be telling that kid the truth.

Can I really be ruined for a mistake I made 30 years ago as a stupid drunk kid?

If you really were a stupid drunk kid, and you never repeated the error, then odds are good that your wife will find some way to forgive you.

But right now, you're a sober adult. Nobody's gonna forgive shit if you mess this up again.

[movingfinger]

In normal math, 3+2=5. How did LW forget one of the children?

Given the rest of the letter, I am inclined to think he is not counting his sister's wife's child as involved or family or something.

If this is real, it's going to end up on AITA pretty soon.

[conuly]

That, or it's a weird error. A *really* weird error, but it does happen. I'm not entirely sure which is more likely, but I'm hoping it's "error", of course.

[lizardjay]

I'm really hoping that the inconsistent math boils down to "I put a fake number of kids in the letter to make it less likely someone will identify me from this, and then immediately forgot I lied" because otherwise... I don't know what it means, but it's nothing good.

[viggorlijah]

I really like that take - you made a drunken mistake as a kid, but now you're a sober adult.

Telling the truth as soon as he can (and going to family therapy! therapy for everyone to vent and talk!) is the only answer that has a hope of his big unusual family keeping him around.

Because otherwise he has seven children, half children and step-children/cousins who are already a close-knit family, and two amazing moms who are going to decide they really don't need his lying ass in the middle of the picture.

[castiron]

When my parents first did DNA testing several years back, I made sure to tell them that I had been an anonymous egg donor; I don't think the procedure was ultimately successful, but if it was and the now-adult had tested, my parents deserved to hear about it from me rather than from a surprise 1750 cM match.

The minute LW starts trying to stop the DNA test is the minute that everyone else goes "WTF? Why does he care?" At most, he might be able to stop his younger kids from testing -- for now, while they're minors. He can't do a damn thing to stop them once they're adults. Nor can he stop any of his adult blood relatives from testing; for all we know, LW has a sibling or parent who's already tested and didn't mention it to anyone, and the news will come out that way.

And yes, if LW's kids test, it will be blatantly obvious that they and Henry are three-quarter siblings, not first cousins.

LW needs to speak up now. He needs to tell his wife; he needs to tell Henry; he and his wife need to decide how they want to tell their mutual kids. LW doesn't have to have a close relationship with Henry if he doesn't want to; Henry isn't entitled to a relationship with his biodad, but Henry is entitled to information.

And Henry sounds like someone who's going to keep looking. He took 11 years to finally track down his birth mother? I wouldn't be surprised if he's willing to keep looking for his birth father, even if he's told the guy is a seedy asshole. (And if LW tells Henry that, then LW is telling the truth; Henry's biodad is indeed a seedy asshole who deserves to see his marriage blow up once one of the younger kids is old enough to test.)

[ambyr]

Given that based on that link three-quarter siblings and full siblings sometimes are indistinguishable on DNA tests, I wonder if one possible consequence of continuing to lie is the kid deciding, based on the DNA test, that LW and LW’s wife are actually his parents, and that the claim that he’s sister-in-law’s kid is just a cover-up.

[minoanmiss]

*cackles in wicked delight*

[castiron]

This would be an amazing concept for a sitcom or soap opera.

[cereta]

Okay, you managed to pull me away from the part of me that identifies with Henry (which, given various biographical similarities, is an impressive accomplishment) enough to make me want to see this lightly dramatic tv movie. Can Henry be gay? Not as a major plot point or anything: just gay because gay people exist. I really love it when that happens.

[melannen]

Oh man.

LW, there's your answer to how to get away with it! Let the DNA tests happen, wait for someone to come up with this theory, and then tearfully confess to it despite your wife's fervent denials!