agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My college-age daughter who still lives with me is addicted to caffeine. I am considering slowly replacing the regular coffee with decaf without telling her. I don't want to tell her, as this may get in her head, and she may react by having withdrawal symptoms. I don't think she would be angry, because she knows I am always looking out for her. What do you think? -- MOM WITH A PLAN

DEAR MOM: Quit being a helicopter barista. Have enough respect for your college-age daughter to tell her the amount of coffee she consumes is a concern for you. Then ask if she would like your help to cut back. Withdrawal symptoms from caffeine are real, and your daughter might wonder what's wrong when she experiences symptoms of withdrawal if you keep her in the dark.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/04/29/2

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This letter has five sentences. Each and every one of the first four is a red flag. I hope LW's daughter can move out, and soon! Then LW can get to work writing the inevitable "I don't know why my daughter doesn't talk to me!!!!" letter.

Yes, I was like

"Dear LW, which of the following things that can happen from sudden caffeine withdrawal would you like your daughter to experience?
- vice like headaches
- anxiety attacks/panic attacks
- feelings of depression
- increased risk of car accidents

bear in mind also that she won't know WHY she is experiencing any of these, and also she won't know that she needs to be extra careful at work/while driving..."

Yes but that's all in her head. That's why, so long as LW doesn't tell her, it won't happen!

JFC why are people like this.

As a person who is addicted to caffeine, I would indeed react by having withdrawal symptoms, which include rage; and if I found out someone had made that decision for me, I would be even more furious than that.

For once Abby was blunt and correct.

Dear Mom, how much coffee your college-age daughter drinks is none of your business and you absolutely shouldn't attempt to manipulate her. I find it pretty concerning that you seem to see it as an legitimate option.

oh, good galloping christ!

daughter's coffee intake is absolutely none of LW's business - there's no indication there are health-related side-effects to the consumption, so it's time for LW to back the fuck up. unless she's really eager for daughter to never speak to her again

I feel so much rage for this daughter. Like serious GET OUT NOW rage.

The controlling and manipulation is frightening.

Oh my Jesus fuck, there would be blood on the floor if someone did this to me. Do you have any idea what a sudden reduction in caffeine does to people with chronic migraines? To people without chronic migraines? And that doesn't touch on LW trying to control decisions for her adult daughter that I stopped trying to control when my kid was like eight.

People with ADHD co-sign your note HARD.

Speaking as someone who's been decaf for nearly ten years, the LW needs to mind her own damn business, and I wonder what else she's trying to micromanage in her daughter's life.

An adult gets to decide for themselves whether they want (or need!) to be on caffeine or not. We're not talking about a drug that impairs judgment or causes dangerous behavior (and even if the LW were writing about her daughter's alcohol consumption or meth habit, this still wouldn't be the way to deal with it). We're not talking about a drug that you force other people to imbibe when you imbibe it (like smoking tobacco or pot). Daughter currently thinks the benefits of caffeine outweigh the negatives. If she changes her mind, she can quit herself without LW sneaking it on her. If she doesn't change her mind, great, it works for her, and LW can buzz off.

I remember a Yarn Harlot blogpost where she discovered one day, after she and her husband had been dragging and feeling vaguely sick for a week, that she'd accidentally bought decaf. She immediately bought regular, and they felt much better after getting caffeine back into their systems. Withdrawal symptoms are real!

(And just to be clear: the gradual replacement of caff with decaf might be a great way to wean off if the daughter chose to go off caffeine and asked LW to help her. It is an asshole thing to do without permission.)

My significant other once accidentally went cold turkey on caffeine when switching to lower-sugar sodas. We figured out what had happened pretty quickly, but boy was that still not a fun day.

I love the phrasing "she may react by having withdrawal symptoms". Like that's a thing the daughter will choose to do to punish her.

It sends a very grim message about the relationship.

And only if she knows, because that's ~totally~ how withdrawal works...

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