Dear Prudence: Dance Avoidance

[blueinkedfrost]

Letter

Dear Prudence,

I’m in a ballroom dance class at my school. There are way more followers than leaders (I’m a follower) so we usually dance with all the leaders once in a while. The problem is, there is one boy in my class I really, really don’t like dancing with, to the point of dreading the class. It’s nothing that he’s done, I’ve just had a traumatic experience some years ago and dancing with him reminds me of it.

I’ve told the teacher and they were very understanding, but it’s been a few weeks and nothing’s changed. I’m very nonconfrontational and I don’t want to seem nagging about it, and besides I’m pretty sure most of the other followers would prefer not to dance with him either (he’s autistic and a lot bigger than anyone else in the class). Like I said before, it’s nothing he’s done, he’s really pretty sweet. I just don’t know what to do.

Response

Under no circumstances should you have to dance with someone who brings up a traumatic experience for you. But if the person has done nothing wrong—and this guy hasn’t—the issue is yours, not his, and the solution is not to ask the teacher to protect you from him but rather to find a way to remove yourself from the class. It would be especially troubling for a kid with autism who deserves to participate as much as anyone else to be left out because the other kids are skeeved out by him. So the path forward is to make a case to the teacher, your parents, and possibly the school counselor that because of your history of trauma, a class that involves physical contact with other students is not right for you and you require a transfer or an alternative way to complete the course requirements.

Comments from Blueinkedfrost

Reading the letter, I initially thought, 'LW shouldn't have to dance with someone they're not comfortable with'. But Prudence made the right point, I think, that if LW excludes the boy then it's likely others in the class will follow suit. Believing LW that the boy has done nothing wrong, it would be cruel to exclude him.

If LW strongly enjoys dancing, I hope LW is able to keep up their hobby in some way. Assuming LW is a girl, LW might be able to ask the teacher for the accommodation of only dancing with other girls (therefore avoiding being the sort of person who asks all the kids in the class but one to their birthday party).

Comments

[gingicat]

The boy in question probably joined the class in order to learn formalized social interaction, and this is an example of exclusion even in spaces intended to be inclusive. (Presuming that this is one.)

I'd love to hear about the teacher instilling manners into the not-autistic people, without othering the autistic guy.

[blueinkedfrost]

Yes, if LW is pretty sure most of the other followers would prefer not to dance with him either, it sounds like he is receiving some cold treatment from others, which is not good.

[gingicat]

Honestly my autistic teenager is SO much happier (and mentally healthier) now that he's at a school where the other kids think similarly. Do I, as a parent, wish that not-autistic people in the greater world would be kinder? Definitely. But he's getting interaction with mostly not-autistic people on a gamer Discord he found that has specified social rules.

[neotoma]

I mean, my solution to the LW is "switch to dancing lead" so they won't be paired with this boy again, and also so the class has more balance, but that's probably not the solution they need.

[blueinkedfrost]

Excellent plan!

[cimorene]

Surely the 'followers' should have to take turns dancing lead to even the numbers if there aren't any volunteers to switch entirely. Isn't that what all-girl dance classes did/do? This letter gives the impression they just have a bunch of people sitting out, which sounds ridiculous.

[lemonsharks]

I suspect there's some sexist heteronormativity in the designations of who dances lead and who dances follow.

[castiron]

If LW is in the class because they want to learn ballroom dancing and not because it's a required class, then switching to dancing lead is a great idea; it's a good skill to have in their back pocket even if they usually prefer to dance follow.

[melannen]

LW, as you grow older you will have to interact with all kinds of people. If your traumatic history is making it difficult for you to take part in ordinary activities with ordinary people around, you should be talking to your parents and school counselor about getting counseling to help you with this problem.

Sometimes healing from a traumatic experience can take a long time - if ever - and you should keep yourself out of damaging situations while you're working on that, so asking to switch classes might be a needed step. But allowing one traumatic situation to shut you out of things - and away from people! - forever isn't a good solution. If you aren't already working on this, you need to be.

[neotoma]

Oh, I'm sure there is. The contra dance I used to go to was committed to not pushing gender roles, so the roles were lark (left) and raven (right), but you still didn't see many men dancing the raven part.

That said, dancing lead seems like it would solve LW's problem, at least the immediate one.