(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My wife and I bought a house. Our intention was to sell it to my son and his wife for the same price that we paid for it.

We rented it out while getting their existing house ready to sell.

We agreed to the stipulation that they need to improve how they handle their money. They both work, but live paycheck to paycheck. (My daughter-in-law is a spending machine.)

The new and bigger house has appreciated 20 percent since we purchased it and they both really want to move in, but they have not kept up their end of the bargain.

If I cancel this deal or delay selling this house to them, she will go bonkers.

She is VERY headstrong. My son needs to stand up to her, but I am reluctant (I already tried) to put this on him because he is going through treatments for depression – this depression thing has really changed him.

He has mentioned failure and suicide.

I just cannot support a lifestyle that supplies 37 pair of underwear for their 4-year-old daughter.

His mother and I want to do the best thing.

What do you think?

– Concerned Father

Dear Father: You are attempting to control this couple, and this is the worst way to go about it.

If they are so bad with money, then aren’t you setting them up for failure by putting them into a “new and bigger” house? How will they afford the upkeep and the taxes on this more valuable property?

And because you have such low regard for her and a lack of compassion for him, they should not be financially entangled with you.

Overall, if you are trying to inspire someone toward change, you need to agree to specific and achievable milestones. “Improve how they handle their money” is a vague stipulation. Are you in charge of deciding if they have “improved”?

This arrangement also has you believing that you have the right to count their young daughter’s underwear, which you don’t. That is extremely disrespectful to everyone in the family.

This lack of respect is potentially disastrous for your relationship with this family. Your lack of boundaries and harsh judgment will have a negative impact on your son’s mental health.

“This depression thing” is real. Depression is a serious illness, and your son should be focused on his health and treatment – not on pleasing you.

Your son probably does need to stand up to someone, but in my opinion, you are the person he needs to stand up to. Unfortunately, his depression has likely robbed him of the strength to do that.

If you made an agreement, you should stick to your end of it. And then you should remove yourself from all financial control.

If you and your wife want to help them, you could put your extra money into a college fund for your granddaughter.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2630766?fs

Comments

[conuly]

WOW.

Just when you think it can't get worse - it does!

God, I hope this is a particularly unfunny parody letter.

[lannamichaels]

The least important detail in here but underwear is not that expensive, and 37 pairs isn't unreasonable for making sure you always have clean ones ready, even if you need to do laundry.

[ambyr]

Right? I was all ready to hear about her 500 pairs of Louboutins or her designer handbags or lavish Michelin-star meals . . . and the biggest complaint he can make is underwear? Underwear? I am a small adult and sometimes buy children's underwear because, um, well, because they're less likely to sell me superhero undies in adult sizes. I can get a ten-pack at Target for $7.50.

[jadelennox]

And if they don't have laundry in the house, or if she wets herself sometimes -- she's four! -- then that's not even a lot!

[cereta]

Especially given that a 4-year-old might still be toilet training; it's not at all uncommon for a child that age to still be night-training. And also changing sizes every other week.

[castiron]

If the four-year-old is still having toileting accidents regularly, or if they wear a pair during the day and then a clean pair to bed, then yes, 37 pairs may not be out of line. (Also, I just went and counted; my youngest kid has about 17-18 pairs in the drawer, and probably a couple more in the laundry. Spouse, the laundry-wrangler and buyer of kids' clothes, is not an excessive spender for the sake of spending.)

But that's beside the point. Unless "37 pairs" means "a lot of underwear (which if someone counted might be less than half that many)", WHAT THE HECK IS THIS GUY DOING COUNTING HIS GRANDDAUGHTER'S UNDERPANTS?

[raven]

How could you write this letter, read it back to yourself and then not worry about the state of your reason?

[gingicat]

4-year-old children NEED a lot of underwear ffs.

I'm very ADD today. I'm sorry if this isn't coherent outside of my head.

[harpers_child]

Why is LW making his kid jump through hoops for this house? (Did son and daughter-in-law even want this house? Who's idea was this whole thing?) You have the money to help make your child and grandchild's life easier. Just do that.

Also? I can tell this guy didn't do laundry at his own house when his kid(s) were small. That's a reasonable amount of underwear for a kid who still regularly has accidents. The underwear thing in general is such a weirdly specific detail.

Living paycheck to paycheck and the son's depression may shockingly have a connection. /sarcasm.

Some questions I have: What exactly are these terrible spending habits your daughter-in-law has? Is it really excessive spending or is things like a fancy coffee once a week? Is it avocado toast? Was there a written outline for this house for better money habits deal? Why does it matter to LW that the new house has grown in value since he bought it? Why include the percentage in this letter? Why the concern about money anyway? Did you not do a good job teaching how it works?

Re: I'm very ADD today. I'm sorry if this isn't coherent outside of my head.

[heavenscalyx]

Living paycheck to paycheck and the son's depression may shockingly have a connection. /sarcasm.

Not to mention having this guy for a father.

Re: I'm very ADD today. I'm sorry if this isn't coherent outside of my head.

[conuly]

Living paycheck to paycheck and the son's depression may shockingly have a connection. /sarcasm.

But very possibly the opposite connection from whatever Dear Old Dad thinks.

[cereta]

Here is where I am very confused:

The LW and their wife bought a house that they will then sell to their son and DiL for the same price. I can picture circumstances under which this might make sense (son and DiL need a little time to get a down payment/for something to work its way off their credit report), but is the sale to the son and DiL being done through some kind of private arrangement (that is, through monthly payments to the LW and wife) rather than obtaining a mortgage? How will the two couples continue to be financially entwined, at least where the house is concerned? Is this some kind of rent-to-own situation?

Not, mind you, that I think there needs to be a practical reason for LW to be putting conditions on the other couple's finances. He pretty much screams "control freak." But the whole thing here is just weird.

Also, anyone else notice the quick mention that the house has appreciated? Wanna bet LW is looking for an excuse to back out because he can get more money for the house than the agreed-upon price?

[melannen]

+1

Guarantee that after realizing how much money he could make he wants to sell the house and take the profit (or keep getting rent) and the rest of this letter is just flailing around for some other reason to do it.

[minoanmiss]

I am so glad the columnist smacked this mofo upside the head. Will he listen? We can but hope.

[green_grrl]

Amy has had some surprisingly good answers the past few days. She used to be much more hit-or-miss, so fingers crossed she’ll actually help her LWs.

[azurelunatic]

I may not be fully awake but I cannot make head or tail of Daddy's letter except that he doesn't like his daughter in law, his son is depressed, and there's a house and a four-year-old. I would send this letter back to him for a rewrite.

[tielan]

The situation is not funny, but I giggled at "send this letter back to him for a rewrite".

[tielan]

I just cannot support a lifestyle that supplies 37 pair of underwear for their 4-year-old daughter.

...the fuck? A lifestyle that supplies a multitude of underwear for a four year old? That would be...ordinary life, I imagine. Not a lifestyle.

So many missing missing reasons here. So many.

[ambyr]

After an evening boggling further over this, I would like to propose "count my underwear" as a new shorthand for unreasonably intrusive expectations. As in, "I'm not going to accept his help if he thinks it gives him a right to count my underwear."

[naath]

NEVER get into complicated financial tangles like this with family you already don't like! what. Also it is entirely possible to have two incomes and ot be able to save, because pay is crap and kids are expensive. Underwear for you child is not a pack a day habit

[lilysea]

Also it is entirely possible to have two incomes and ot be able to save, because pay is crap and kids are expensive. Underwear for you child is not a pack a day habit

Not to mention psychiatrist visits, psychologist visits, and antidepressants for the husband are all hella expensive.

[blueinkedfrost]

37 is a weird and precise number. It reminds me of the time Hercule Poirot bought a weird number of silk stockings so he could tempt a thief into stealing a couple of them. More darkly, it makes me wonder why Grandad is counting his grandchild's underwear.