Dear Prudence: My daughter is embarrassed by me

[cereta]

Q. Success through spandex?: I am a successful, work-from-home businesswoman who is an embarrassment to my tween daughter because I don’t look like the other moms at school. Specifically, I don’t wear Lululemon pants. She has asked me not to pick her up from school. How do I get my daughter to understand that her mom is a strong, respected, powerful woman whom she should be proud of? How do I get through to her that success isn’t defined by wearing the right brands but by having the respect of peers? Or should I just go buy myself a pair of Lululemons so she can have the respect of her peers?

A: This can’t be real. Can this be real? This can’t be real. And yet—anything that can happen … will happen. I have two suggestions: 1. Go full Auntie Mame and start picking up your daughter in ball gowns and ripped flannel and increasingly embarrassing costumes; teenagers can be painfully conservative, and this tendency ought to be gently teased right out of them. 2. Let her take the bus home. If she doesn’t like what the bus driver is wearing, she can try offering constructive criticism and see how other people welcome her input on their ensembles.

Comments

[likeaduck]

Yeah, but the general tone of the comments doesn't seem to be "this can be a challenging developmental stage, communication through it is really important" but "this is a challenging developmental stage PANIC AND GIVE UP SHE WON'T LISTEN TO YOU ANYWAY TWEENS ARE TERRIBLE" and I get that media messaging about tweens is like that but it really hits me the same way as when people say "oh, new parent eh? GOOD LUCK NEVER SLEEPING AGAIN HAHA BABIES AMIRITE?" not because sleep deprivation is uncommon among new parents, but because acting like it's inevitable and normal prevents people from getting support.

Idk, maybe folks are joking and I am not getting the jokes or whatever? And am probably biased by mostly hanging out with high school aged kids going through some tough things and being amazing and taking care of each other through them. So.

[cereta]

I don't know that I'm joking, but I'm being a little...flip, yes. I agree with several of recessional's points, but I also think that as a parent, you have to practice some acceptance. The tweens are a lot of things developmentally, including the time when (a) the unquestioning devotion to and desire for the company of parents starts to change and (b) friends and other peers begin to loom very large. It's like anything else: the pendulum has to swing in the opposite direction in order to reach balance. Most of all, I think it's a time of transition, when the parent-child relationship begins the long journey to what will hopefully be a solid adult relationship, but like all periods of change, it's full of uncertainty, false starts, and mistakes. And yes, the parent(s) should do their best to keep lines of communication open and support in place, but they also need to be really, really patient and really, really aware that this is usually a phase* and really, really aware that things are going to be rocky, and that something like your kid not wanting to be seen with you in public, as much as it may sting, is fairly common. (And could that sentence be any longer?) By all means, express how it make you (the parent) feel and emphasize empathy; just be prepared for it to take a while to stick.

*Which doesn't make it unimportant, just hopefully temporary.

[recessional]

Oh entirely, re acceptance - I'm babbling on here from a theory/generalized pov. I tend to think in the LW's case the "so outright saying this kind of thing is hurtful, and also this other part of how it means you're thinking is not great" is something that should be addressed, but even the most thoughtful tween is still going to have moments of "omg mom you are embarrassing me so much plz go away" even if they don't express it so bluntly. (And, hell, finding ways to express that feeling - which is genuine! - is all part of the process). And that that's fair.

And that part of the reason it can be very tricky is that the tween's brain isn't WRONG about thinking that peer relationships and social understandings are important! So they do need to figure out how to fit in with other people in a generalized way and so on.

Anyway I will hush now. I just wanted to clarify that most of my babble here is the Grand Sweeping Overall thing which in many practical instances boils down to "take a deep breath, remember being 11 is hard, and hell maybe it's time for her to take the bus home."

[recessional]

Sorting thoughts into two streams:

IME: highschool aged kids are genuinely (in general) kinder and better at being kind and supportive than tweens are, again mostly because they have a better capacity for it (and some more experience dealing with more adult levels of emotional overwhelm). I can't give you cites off the top of my head, but I also know from my reading/researching experience that this is supported by the literature. (And my anecdotal and observed experience as a tween/someone who worked with tweens/watched other people go through the period vs as a teenager/close to people who work a lot with teenagers, including teens in really hard situations.)

Second, while I can't speak for anyone else, I know any tone that might resemble that from me is less that and more wry commiseration? Less "hahah never sleep again!!!" and more "ahaha yeah welcome to babies trying to figure out sleep patterns, it's so much fun, not" - wherein if the LW were HERE, this would be followed up with "and okay here are some things that may or may not help, and this is the point where you need to go seek professional help", (along with a WHOLE RAFT of clarifying questions) except LW isn't here, so it stops at the wry recognition of HAHAH OH YEAH THAT RIGHT. And also facepalming at Prudie because it really does read from her like the equivalent of "wait, you're telling me babies DON'T SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT? Madness! Well I guess everything is POSSIBLE . . . "

So I see what you mean, but for me at least, and for my reading of it, it's one step off to the side from that. *hands*

[cereta]

Thank you for putting that better than I could ;).

[recessional]

*salute?* :3 I'm just glad I made any sense at all out of my head.