Dear Carolyn, my wife is a time waster

[jadelennox]

Dear Carolyn live Q&A: Productivity

Prior to the pandemic, my wife (early 30s, both lawyers) had very busy schedules involving long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated that we would each have an extra 30+ hours a week in our schedules, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit. In the past 6 months, I have kept up my end of the bargain: I have read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering about 10 hours a week for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work at my full-time job. My wife has done...not so much - she has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to "unwind." I have confronted her several times and she tells me she is "rejecting productivity culture" and that she doesn't feel like improving herself right now. The household basics are covered - we share pretty evenly in housework, cooking, and other practical matters - and she does exercise - but I'm getting increasingly frustrated - disgusted, even - that she would waste this gift of free time just to read books better suited for children and watch TV. I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation but she has refused and thinks the was she is conducting herself is "fine." Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?

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A: Carolyn Hax

Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?

People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to reject "productivity culture," then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, thus freeing you both to discuss openly what you both want to do about that. I can't imagine anyone could be so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected just to remain in that household.

Plus, if your definition of "improving" myself didn't include rest and good novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.

Plus, if you looked down your nose at what I was reading, same.

But I digress. Neither of you is taking advantage of the other, neither of you is leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, neither of you is betraying the other. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. "Fine" doesn't sound inaccurate at all.

You just don't like her--that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama?

— Sep 11, 2020 1:57 EDT

Follow-up from LW

Q: Productive Conversations

Hi Carolyn - I'm the lawyer-husband who wrote in some weeks ago about being frustrated that my wife (also a lawyer) wasn't taking better advantage of the extra time we had gained from not commuting and traveling for work to do more productive things, such as intellectual reading and more intensive exercise. We did subsequently attend a few sessions with a marriage counselor which were very helpful. In particular, we identified that a big part of the difference in how we wanted to spend leisure time was a direct result of the specific demands of our (paid) work. Although we are both lawyers, my work at the moment involves working on routine contracts, for the most part, that are not particularly intellectually challenging; on the other hand, hers involves clients who are much more emotionally demanding, plus high-stakes pro bono work with lifesaving implications - so she ends up feeling drained and wanting to take it easy during non-work time. Ultimately, we also figured out that I am just a person who likes to go on all cylinders all the time (which makes my current work all the more frustrating - although I'm glad to have it at a time when a lot of law firms have been doing layoffs), while she prefers cozy quiet time in her personal life. After the counseling sessions, we did decide to separate/divorce due to not really having compatible outlooks and priorities, but are doing so from a much warmer, friendlier place, without resentments and blame. At the core, we are just very different people, something that didn't really come to light while we were so, so busy finishing law school and singularly focused on building our careers, but the close quarters of the pandemic made it obvious that we would be happier going in different directions.

A: Carolyn Hax

Even an amicable divorce is grueling, so, I'm sorry you're facing that, though it sounds like the right thing for both of you. Thank you for the follow-up.

— Nov 20, 2020 2:44 EST

Comments

[darchildre]

After many years of library work, I have definitely observed a Reading Morality Spectrum held by certain kinds of readers - they tend to think of themselves as reading for Improvement rather than enjoyment or any other reason. It goes like this:

Nonfiction about war/politics/business > other nonfiction > literary fiction/classics about men (ideally also about war/politics/business) > literary fiction about women > genre fiction of any kind > fantasy fiction specifically > horror fiction

Every time I tell a library patron who uses this scheme that I primarily read fantasy and horror, I can feel waves of judgement coming off them.



ETA - There is absolutely nothing wrong with reading anything you want - I don't want to imply any judgement of my own and if your own preference is for nonfiction about war/politics/business, that's cool. The judgement of other people's reading preferences that often goes hand in hand with using the above spectrum is the problem I have with it.

[oursin]

I think over the decades of Being A Reader I've osmosed these judgements! - tiresome things, 2 centuries after Jane Austen did the 'oh, it is only a novel!' defence of fiction. I cringe at all those exhortations to Read To Improve Yourself that seem to be written exactly for this kind of guy. And what is wrong with kicking back with bonbons and well-written froth?

[conuly]

Weird, my morality spectrum for reading goes in virtually the opposite direction. (Except where you have "horror" I place "YA and middle grade fiction" and then I have another slot afterwards for "graphic novels".)

But I don't judge. Not about this, anyway. Judging takes away from reading time.

[tielan]

I feel like I avoid this Reading Morality Spectrum because it's pretty much the opposite of what I enjoy.

Except for the horror fiction. I just don't like horror fiction because I don't get to sleep after reading it.