Care & Feeding: I Feel So Guilty I Didn’t Stand Up Against Hate Speech

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a high school student who babysits for my neighbors. The kid are 7 and 9 and are generally pretty great. However, I’m wondering how to handle something. The 9-year-old said something homophobic I don’t care to repeat (it included the use of a slur), and the 7-year-old laughed and added that being gay was gross. I was surprised in the moment to hear hate speech from such young and otherwise cool kids, but all I said at the time was that using a slur is never acceptable. I hesitated to say anything more because I wasn’t sure if I would be overstepping my bounds.

While at school and in general I do my best to calmly but firmly call out people who say hateful things, but I’m not sure I have any right to interfere with the way my neighbors are raising their kids. These kids are too young to be forming their own ideas about this stuff, so I have to assume they were just repeating something they’ve heard their parents and other prejudiced adults say. So if I tackled the subject, I felt like I wouldn’t have been pointing out their homophobia, but their parents’, and thus contradicting their parents’ values. But maybe I should be contradicting these values? Surely it would be good for these kids to have an older person in their life who can be a positive influence about sexuality and identity—but is it my place to be that person? Their parents are paying me to watch their kids! Nevertheless, I still feel guilty for letting this go. Honestly, I’m not sure where the line is between minding my own business about how other people raise their kids, and not challenging actual prejudice they’re being raised with. I would appreciate any thoughts on this.


—Worried Babysitter

Dear Worried,

The kids might have been repeating something they’ve heard at home; they might be repeating something they’ve heard at school, or playing after school with other kids. Wherever they’ve heard it, letting them know that it’s hateful and wrong—and why it’s hateful and wrong—is the right thing to do. If (when?) they report back to their parents, one of the following may occur: 1) the parents will thank you, because hate speech is not something they learned at home, and the parents had no idea their kids were spewing it; or 2) the parents will be furious, they will read you the riot act for “contradicting their values,” and—perhaps—they’ll fire you. The question is—if the truth is behind Door #2: Would you rather be fired for doing the right thing, or “mind your own business” and not be the one voice they hear that gets them thinking about why what they’re being taught at home is wrong?

Challenging prejudice is always the right thing to do. Sometimes people will get angry when you do this. Sometimes you will be shunned—or fired from a job—for it. But your instinct to speak up, and to educate the children who are in your care, is the right and brave one. (And even if the parents are angry—and even if you lose this babysitting job—you will have planted a bug in those kids’ ears. Who knows? It might make a difference.)

Comments

[ambyr]

I also think the columnist is treating babysitting as though it's an unimportant side gig, and not a source of essential-to-survival cash. Which it may well be! Lots of teens babysit for fun money. But some teens babysit because their family needs those dollars for food and rent. Assuming that being fired will have no significant economic consequences is not a great starting pointing.

[liv]

Also this is a child. Even if LW doesn't need the money for survival, encouraging a teenager to get into a confrontation with adult neighbours is inappropriate IMO.