Dear Prudence: I Think My Brother Is Being A Creep

[minoanmiss]

Hopefully I get the formatting right here.

My brother (a 36-year-old man) is engaging in behavior that I (a 26-year-old woman) find creepy, and I’m trying to figure out what, if anything, I can do to dissuade him. This past spring, he broke up with his 28-year-old girlfriend, and over New Year’s he introduced me to his new girlfriend.

Prudence, she’s 19. She’s just starting college, and he’s clearly her first relationship. I was kind and polite to her when we met, and encouraged her to talk about her interests, which he complained to her face are “dumb” and “childish.” My brother has always been pushy and leans towards sexism, but I’d never thought of him as predatory until now.

We’re in regular contact (although we are not super close), but I can’t think of anything I could do/say to encourage him to rethink this that wouldn’t make him dig in harder. Our parents aren’t in the picture, and he would probably listen to uncles or our grandfather, but unlike the women in our family, they see nothing wrong with it. I’m realizing my family is more sexist than I knew, and I’m trying to think of small, concrete things I can do to at least help this girl from getting burned hard by my brother, as is his habit in relationships.

—My Brother Is a Creep

Dear MBIaC,

Your dilemma is extremely difficult for a couple of reasons. First, nothing about your brother’s relationship with this young woman—the age difference, the shitty way he’s treating her, or his pushiness and sexism—is illegal, but that doesn’t make it any less disturbing. Second, we all know that, in the history of humankind, no one who is in love or lust has ever ended a relationship because someone said, “Hey, this seems bad to me from the outside.” So we have a disturbing situation that is totally allowed but probably won’t change no matter how convincing an argument you make that it should.

So what can you do to protect this girl, who is in a relationship with someone who isn’t kind and who doesn’t even have the common sense to realize that he finds his partner childish because she is closer to being a child than she is to being his peer?

Readers pointed out that there is probably no point in trying to convince your brother that he’s being creepy and predatory for dating someone so young, or that he’s being cruel for complaining about his young girlfriend’s youthful interests (even though all these things are true!).

If he’s dating a 19-year-old and complains her interests are “childish,” it seems he’s seeking a relationship with someone he can dominate and feel superior to. —redpentweeting

There’s no reason to take this up with bro because he knows what he’s doing and he’s getting exactly what he wants: dating a naive teenager while he’s pushing forty. You can’t make him not like it. You CAN be a friend to the young lady and help her indirectly. —wisewyzard

Indeed, you can try to influence his girlfriend. Again, this isn’t about telling her to break up with your brother or explaining how predatory this relationship is. The suggestions readers gave involved much gentler and subtler tactics—think empowering more than lecturing.

There’s a Girlfriends arc like this when William starts dating a proto Kardashian. I think the women find it’s far more effective to intervene with the gf, who eventually sees William as old and uncool and breaks up with him, if I remember correctly —sorayamcdonald

There’s nothing she can say to the brother - but she should try as best as possible to be an ally to the GF. Stick by her at family functions, stand up for her when the brother is demeaning, let her know that the behavior is not ok. —katedailey

Skip the brother entirely and focus on the GF. Be kind to her and establish yourself as someone she can talk to/rely on. That way, when the moment comes, you can hopefully help her realize she needs to get out. —j_wigdahl

I was gonna suggest a modified version of this: meet up for coffee, take an interest in her as a person, & in a light, teasing way say something like “I have no idea what you see in him cuz I personally think he’s kind-of a blowhard. You’re definitely too cool for him!” —gishmi1ish

I especially liked the ideas that involved treating her as a friend and lightheartedly planting the seed that your brother is kind of weird and uncool and not good enough for her. Even if that doesn’t work, simply being a friend, defender, and someone she can talk to will go a long way. The more you affirm her and make her feel supported, the more likely she is to eventually realize she could do better. You can’t eliminate the older person in her life who’s mistreating her, but you can be one who has the opposite effect.

Comments

In which I talk about what I think about relationships

[minoanmiss]

I actually don't usually hold people to the "half your age plus seven" rule (not that anyone needs my permission anyway) and one of the reasons is the person I fell in love with when I was 18, one of the greatest strokes of luck in my life.

He's bit older than me, and the proportional difference was bigger when I was 18, but he's never bullied or derided me, or used my age as a weapon, or dismissed my interests, even when they were childish. He's never taken advantage of my lack of experience or knowledge. There are a thousand ways he could have hurt me when I was young and callow, and he didn't, and I'll always be grateful.

I think, in part because of his example, that someone dating someone at a great disadvantage to them, age or whatever else, needs to commit themself to being good for their SO, to not using the disadvanage against them, and to encouraging them to grow and develop. But.... I don't see much conversation about how people can be good for their SOs, and even less aimed towards men. The general attitude seems to be more about what people can get.

So yeah, I hold the brother up against my SO's example and find him extremely lacking, in a way which is sadly common.

I'm thinking about the advice given. I like the idea of trying to undercut the brother's terribleness with supportive friendship, but I don't know how effective it can be. No matter how nice my SO's sibling was to me I think I'd expect them to take their sibling's side in a breakup, and even moreso when I was young.

Re: In which I talk about what I think about relationships

[xenacryst]

I am with you. My father was 20 years my mother's senior, and he was a very, very good man. I mean, I think leaving his first marriage was probably messy, but I wasn't around for that, and by all of my mother's accounts he was as your SO is - so extremely supportive of her, and supportive of me when I came along. So, age difference is not, in and of itself, a disqualifying thing. But understanding that that age difference can be a power difference and working against that explicitly, is what makes the person good. From LW's brief description of the brother, I don't see that here.

Re: In which I talk about what I think about relationships

[conuly]

I think the thing is that if there are no problems, then there are no problems - but if there are, the age difference is definitely a red flag as to the exact shape of the problems.

Re: In which I talk about what I think about relationships

[shirou]

My aunt met her husband when she was 20 and he 40. They had a happy and loving life together until he died in his 80s. Age differences don’t have to be a problem, but they can be an additional red flag when there are others. In this letter, there are several other red flags.

[melannen]

38 and 19 isn't *inherently* going to go badly - but that's predicated on the 38-year-old being mature enough for a relationship with a 19-year-old, and it sounds like your brother very clearly isn't.

So, yeah, what you can do is as the advice said, side with the girlfriend against him. Don't necessarily be confrontational enough about it that he cuts off contact about it or anything, but make an effort to side with the girlfriend against him even when she doesn't, make sure she knows you like her better than him, so that if she ever needs help against him you're already there, and that he knows you're not going to reinforce his bad behavior.

But honestly - a lot of 19-year-olds have bad relationships, it's a learning experience. Your brother being an asshole sucks for everybody who has to be around him, but it doesn't necessarily means she needs you to rescue her. Hopefully she'll figure it out soon, dump him, and find somebody who's at least as mature as she is to be with.

[azurelunatic]

And give her your number.