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agonyaunt2021-12-27 11:24 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-12-27 11:24 am
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Dear Prudence: I don't want to participate in my mother's end of life care
[also, the titular one on that page is a doozy]
Dear Prudence,,
I maintain a distant but polite relationship with my mother, “Amy,” despite living in the same city. When I was a kid, she not only failed to protect me from my abusive father, but sometimes threw me under the bus to protect herself and my younger brothers from him. His alcoholism killed him when I was 14, but the damage had been done at that point. She never apologizes or acknowledges any of this, and through years of therapy the best I’ve managed is a distant coexistence.
Although Amy is still mentally competent, her physical health has been declining steeply, and she’s no longer doing well independently. Amy, my brother, and a social worker all called me after a recent fall landed her in the hospital, looking for me to organize and pay for care. Frankly, although I could afford to help, I have no desire to do it. Ideally, I would make one or two polite holiday visits a year out of a sense of obligation the way I do now, and even that is a big ask.
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How do I politely but firmly refuse to be involved in her care? As my mother and brother brought up, I was heavily involved in my mother-in-law’s end-of-life care (although I doubt they know my partner and I also paid for all of it) but that was different: We loved her in a deep and uncomplicated way and still miss her dearly, and even then it was a difficult time. I don’t want Amy to suffer, but I absolutely do not want to be involved in the life of someone who hurt me so much. My brothers were coddled and neither tends to take on “women’s work,” so I doubt they will step in. I need a script that doesn’t reopen old wounds or get into justification.
—(Trying to Stay) Distant in Ohio
Dear Trying to Stay Distant,
“I want you to know that I’m not going to be involved in Mom’s care.” That’s it, that’s the script! But your actions will be even more important. Your brothers will eventually step up and do this “women’s work,” but only if you don’t do it, or monitor it, or manage it, or even ask about it. It’s great that they already have the support of a social worker. When they realize you’re serious, they’ll figure this out.
Dear Prudence,,
I maintain a distant but polite relationship with my mother, “Amy,” despite living in the same city. When I was a kid, she not only failed to protect me from my abusive father, but sometimes threw me under the bus to protect herself and my younger brothers from him. His alcoholism killed him when I was 14, but the damage had been done at that point. She never apologizes or acknowledges any of this, and through years of therapy the best I’ve managed is a distant coexistence.
Although Amy is still mentally competent, her physical health has been declining steeply, and she’s no longer doing well independently. Amy, my brother, and a social worker all called me after a recent fall landed her in the hospital, looking for me to organize and pay for care. Frankly, although I could afford to help, I have no desire to do it. Ideally, I would make one or two polite holiday visits a year out of a sense of obligation the way I do now, and even that is a big ask.
ADVERTISEMENT
How do I politely but firmly refuse to be involved in her care? As my mother and brother brought up, I was heavily involved in my mother-in-law’s end-of-life care (although I doubt they know my partner and I also paid for all of it) but that was different: We loved her in a deep and uncomplicated way and still miss her dearly, and even then it was a difficult time. I don’t want Amy to suffer, but I absolutely do not want to be involved in the life of someone who hurt me so much. My brothers were coddled and neither tends to take on “women’s work,” so I doubt they will step in. I need a script that doesn’t reopen old wounds or get into justification.
—(Trying to Stay) Distant in Ohio
Dear Trying to Stay Distant,
“I want you to know that I’m not going to be involved in Mom’s care.” That’s it, that’s the script! But your actions will be even more important. Your brothers will eventually step up and do this “women’s work,” but only if you don’t do it, or monitor it, or manage it, or even ask about it. It’s great that they already have the support of a social worker. When they realize you’re serious, they’ll figure this out.
no subject