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agonyaunt2021-12-27 11:24 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-12-27 11:24 am
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Dear Prudence: I don't want to participate in my mother's end of life care
[also, the titular one on that page is a doozy]
Dear Prudence,,
I maintain a distant but polite relationship with my mother, “Amy,” despite living in the same city. When I was a kid, she not only failed to protect me from my abusive father, but sometimes threw me under the bus to protect herself and my younger brothers from him. His alcoholism killed him when I was 14, but the damage had been done at that point. She never apologizes or acknowledges any of this, and through years of therapy the best I’ve managed is a distant coexistence.
Although Amy is still mentally competent, her physical health has been declining steeply, and she’s no longer doing well independently. Amy, my brother, and a social worker all called me after a recent fall landed her in the hospital, looking for me to organize and pay for care. Frankly, although I could afford to help, I have no desire to do it. Ideally, I would make one or two polite holiday visits a year out of a sense of obligation the way I do now, and even that is a big ask.
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How do I politely but firmly refuse to be involved in her care? As my mother and brother brought up, I was heavily involved in my mother-in-law’s end-of-life care (although I doubt they know my partner and I also paid for all of it) but that was different: We loved her in a deep and uncomplicated way and still miss her dearly, and even then it was a difficult time. I don’t want Amy to suffer, but I absolutely do not want to be involved in the life of someone who hurt me so much. My brothers were coddled and neither tends to take on “women’s work,” so I doubt they will step in. I need a script that doesn’t reopen old wounds or get into justification.
—(Trying to Stay) Distant in Ohio
Dear Trying to Stay Distant,
“I want you to know that I’m not going to be involved in Mom’s care.” That’s it, that’s the script! But your actions will be even more important. Your brothers will eventually step up and do this “women’s work,” but only if you don’t do it, or monitor it, or manage it, or even ask about it. It’s great that they already have the support of a social worker. When they realize you’re serious, they’ll figure this out.
Dear Prudence,,
I maintain a distant but polite relationship with my mother, “Amy,” despite living in the same city. When I was a kid, she not only failed to protect me from my abusive father, but sometimes threw me under the bus to protect herself and my younger brothers from him. His alcoholism killed him when I was 14, but the damage had been done at that point. She never apologizes or acknowledges any of this, and through years of therapy the best I’ve managed is a distant coexistence.
Although Amy is still mentally competent, her physical health has been declining steeply, and she’s no longer doing well independently. Amy, my brother, and a social worker all called me after a recent fall landed her in the hospital, looking for me to organize and pay for care. Frankly, although I could afford to help, I have no desire to do it. Ideally, I would make one or two polite holiday visits a year out of a sense of obligation the way I do now, and even that is a big ask.
ADVERTISEMENT
How do I politely but firmly refuse to be involved in her care? As my mother and brother brought up, I was heavily involved in my mother-in-law’s end-of-life care (although I doubt they know my partner and I also paid for all of it) but that was different: We loved her in a deep and uncomplicated way and still miss her dearly, and even then it was a difficult time. I don’t want Amy to suffer, but I absolutely do not want to be involved in the life of someone who hurt me so much. My brothers were coddled and neither tends to take on “women’s work,” so I doubt they will step in. I need a script that doesn’t reopen old wounds or get into justification.
—(Trying to Stay) Distant in Ohio
Dear Trying to Stay Distant,
“I want you to know that I’m not going to be involved in Mom’s care.” That’s it, that’s the script! But your actions will be even more important. Your brothers will eventually step up and do this “women’s work,” but only if you don’t do it, or monitor it, or manage it, or even ask about it. It’s great that they already have the support of a social worker. When they realize you’re serious, they’ll figure this out.
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https://twitter.com/CZEdwards/status/1215023444720377856
"Per the 1987 Nursing Home Reform Act it’s not legal for an SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility/nursing home) that accepts Medicaid to force a third party to be liable for a resident’s costs.
This doesn’t stop anyone from trying to guilt you into volunteering financial responsibility.
Spend your elder’s assets first. Period. When their assets are gone, it’s time to transfer to Medicaid. A vendor Medicaid application (when the SNF applies for Medicaid for your elder) is almost never denied.
DO NOT pay out of your pocket.
There are special circumstances if you live in a Filial Responsibility state. These are states that have old laws on the books that require adults to support their elderly *parents*. If your person is an aunt, uncle, grandparent? There is no force of law on you.
FR states:
Alaska
Arkansas
California
Connecticut
Delaware
Georgia
Indiana
Iowa
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maryland
Massachusetts
Mississippi
Nevada
New Jersey
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Dakota
Tennessee
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
West Virginia
In most of these states, the filial responsibility statutes are *rarely* enforced. In several of these states, the adult child’s responsibility comes after the state’s responsibility (Medicaid), or only applies before the parent is 65.
Pennsylvania is the exception.
Pennsylvania nursing homes & ALFs use the filial responsibility law aggressively. They will sue the adult children for cost of care, regardless of whether the child has a relationship with the adult. They win.
My strong suggestion? If your parents live in PA, don’t live there.
There is no federal Filial Responsibility law, so there is no jurisdiction for a Pennsylvania SNF to sue someone who lives in Kansas or Arizona. And unlike child support, there are no state level filial responsibility reciprocity laws.
The further good news is PA may only recover a maximum of 6 times a person’s annual *disposable* income. They can’t touch your retirement accounts, nor leave you unable to pay your own bills, debts & cost of living, cannot touch your children’s fees or college money.
But you still don’t want to have a full body financial MRI & take the credit hit of a judgement. So Pennsylvania is out if your parents live there! (Or lobby to get the law repealed, but that’s gonna be a hard sell. PA loves FR & anything that pushes social costs to private.)
Filial Responsiblity laws are the very best reason to get & maintain a Long Term Care Insurance policy. (The payout of an LTCI constitutes fulfillment of the filial responsibility in most states.)
If you absolutely can’t, if even supporting yourself is dicey — that is your out.
All Filial Responsibility statutes have an anti-impoverishment clause.
Most states have a reasonable cause clause; they don’t force an abused/abandoned child to pay, but that means documents."
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Oh wow, thank you for this info!
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I didn't know about this...