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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m an older preteen, and I just came out as bisexual. It didn’t go badly, not exactly. My parent knew that I had a crush on a girl prior to this, so I think they knew. My parent works in mental health and has many clients who have kids who have “come out as something like bi to get attention.” I’m not like one of these kids, and I have evidence to support it! I have known for over a year. My parent doesn’t want me to pick a label for myself, but I really want one. This is a fight I feel the need to fight and win. My grandfather who I am extremely close with is in poor health, and I really want to come out to him. My mom gives EXTREMELY HARSH punishments so I’m worried what would happen if I defied her. At the same time, I want to be a loud and proud bisexual. And I feel that is my right. I communicate the best in writing, but I don’t mind saying it verbally if I don’t have to bring it up, if that makes a difference. What am I supposed to do to be a proud member of the LGBTQ community, but also avoid punishment? I’m hoping you can help me, please.
— Bisexual Who Knows It
Dear Bisexual Who Knows It,
I am so sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve from your parent at this point. I’m curious about those kids who came out “for attention” and how your parent determined that to be true. I’m also curious about these punishments that you speak of, and if they’d actually punish you for simply stating your identity. I sure hope not, but I do know that there are parents who would, and as a result, there are young people who spend their time working to survive their parents’ home from the moment they realize that their identity is one that would not be fully accepted there.
You can perhaps write your parent a letter—since you say writing is easier for you—that explains that while you understand that they don’t want you to rush into choosing a label for yourself, that you are very clear about who you are and only want for your family to accept and acknowledge that. Hopefully, they will receive that well and stop asking you not to be honest. However, I’m wondering what you think will happen if they don’t. If you feel that asserting your identity to your parent is going to make it harder for you to live under their roof, you are allowed to make a decision with your safety and comfort in mind, not just your understandable desire to be true to your identity.
Can you speak privately to your grandfather? If you can talk to him in confidence, about both what you want to share and your parent’s reaction to it thus far, he may be a valued confidante—someone who isn’t inclined to tell you what to do, but instead, who will embrace you as you are. If that’s not him, is there someone in your life (a teacher, a friend’s parent) whom you can speak to about what you’re dealing with openly without them running back to your parent? It’s important that you begin to identify the people who will have your back and support you unconditionally, no matter what your parent choses to do.
You don’t have to have your parent’s support to be an out and proud bisexual. Ideally, you will in time, but even if they never seem to understand or accept you fully, their view of you simply doesn’t matter as much as your own. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/wwii-obsession-fears-care-and-feeding.html
I’m an older preteen, and I just came out as bisexual. It didn’t go badly, not exactly. My parent knew that I had a crush on a girl prior to this, so I think they knew. My parent works in mental health and has many clients who have kids who have “come out as something like bi to get attention.” I’m not like one of these kids, and I have evidence to support it! I have known for over a year. My parent doesn’t want me to pick a label for myself, but I really want one. This is a fight I feel the need to fight and win. My grandfather who I am extremely close with is in poor health, and I really want to come out to him. My mom gives EXTREMELY HARSH punishments so I’m worried what would happen if I defied her. At the same time, I want to be a loud and proud bisexual. And I feel that is my right. I communicate the best in writing, but I don’t mind saying it verbally if I don’t have to bring it up, if that makes a difference. What am I supposed to do to be a proud member of the LGBTQ community, but also avoid punishment? I’m hoping you can help me, please.
— Bisexual Who Knows It
Dear Bisexual Who Knows It,
I am so sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve from your parent at this point. I’m curious about those kids who came out “for attention” and how your parent determined that to be true. I’m also curious about these punishments that you speak of, and if they’d actually punish you for simply stating your identity. I sure hope not, but I do know that there are parents who would, and as a result, there are young people who spend their time working to survive their parents’ home from the moment they realize that their identity is one that would not be fully accepted there.
You can perhaps write your parent a letter—since you say writing is easier for you—that explains that while you understand that they don’t want you to rush into choosing a label for yourself, that you are very clear about who you are and only want for your family to accept and acknowledge that. Hopefully, they will receive that well and stop asking you not to be honest. However, I’m wondering what you think will happen if they don’t. If you feel that asserting your identity to your parent is going to make it harder for you to live under their roof, you are allowed to make a decision with your safety and comfort in mind, not just your understandable desire to be true to your identity.
Can you speak privately to your grandfather? If you can talk to him in confidence, about both what you want to share and your parent’s reaction to it thus far, he may be a valued confidante—someone who isn’t inclined to tell you what to do, but instead, who will embrace you as you are. If that’s not him, is there someone in your life (a teacher, a friend’s parent) whom you can speak to about what you’re dealing with openly without them running back to your parent? It’s important that you begin to identify the people who will have your back and support you unconditionally, no matter what your parent choses to do.
You don’t have to have your parent’s support to be an out and proud bisexual. Ideally, you will in time, but even if they never seem to understand or accept you fully, their view of you simply doesn’t matter as much as your own. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/wwii-obsession-fears-care-and-feeding.html
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