agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m an older preteen, and I just came out as bisexual. It didn’t go badly, not exactly. My parent knew that I had a crush on a girl prior to this, so I think they knew. My parent works in mental health and has many clients who have kids who have “come out as something like bi to get attention.” I’m not like one of these kids, and I have evidence to support it! I have known for over a year. My parent doesn’t want me to pick a label for myself, but I really want one. This is a fight I feel the need to fight and win. My grandfather who I am extremely close with is in poor health, and I really want to come out to him. My mom gives EXTREMELY HARSH punishments so I’m worried what would happen if I defied her. At the same time, I want to be a loud and proud bisexual. And I feel that is my right. I communicate the best in writing, but I don’t mind saying it verbally if I don’t have to bring it up, if that makes a difference. What am I supposed to do to be a proud member of the LGBTQ community, but also avoid punishment? I’m hoping you can help me, please.

— Bisexual Who Knows It

Dear Bisexual Who Knows It,

I am so sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve from your parent at this point. I’m curious about those kids who came out “for attention” and how your parent determined that to be true. I’m also curious about these punishments that you speak of, and if they’d actually punish you for simply stating your identity. I sure hope not, but I do know that there are parents who would, and as a result, there are young people who spend their time working to survive their parents’ home from the moment they realize that their identity is one that would not be fully accepted there.

You can perhaps write your parent a letter—since you say writing is easier for you—that explains that while you understand that they don’t want you to rush into choosing a label for yourself, that you are very clear about who you are and only want for your family to accept and acknowledge that. Hopefully, they will receive that well and stop asking you not to be honest. However, I’m wondering what you think will happen if they don’t. If you feel that asserting your identity to your parent is going to make it harder for you to live under their roof, you are allowed to make a decision with your safety and comfort in mind, not just your understandable desire to be true to your identity.

Can you speak privately to your grandfather? If you can talk to him in confidence, about both what you want to share and your parent’s reaction to it thus far, he may be a valued confidante—someone who isn’t inclined to tell you what to do, but instead, who will embrace you as you are. If that’s not him, is there someone in your life (a teacher, a friend’s parent) whom you can speak to about what you’re dealing with openly without them running back to your parent? It’s important that you begin to identify the people who will have your back and support you unconditionally, no matter what your parent choses to do.

You don’t have to have your parent’s support to be an out and proud bisexual. Ideally, you will in time, but even if they never seem to understand or accept you fully, their view of you simply doesn’t matter as much as your own. Wishing you all the best on your journey.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/wwii-obsession-fears-care-and-feeding.html

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This poor kid :(

And the kids who have the misfortune of having that parent handling their mental health.

Oh yeah.

Yeah :/

I never came out to my mother (she is an unsafe person and isn’t entitled to any personal information about me), but I’m really grateful that, as someone who is an out bisexual to everyone important in my life, my own daughter felt safe coming out to me in high school.

Same. (Well, my kid came out as ace and genderfluid. But they COULD.)

Like, I feel for the kid. Wish they could trust their grand wouldn't tell their parent...

The older my kid gets, the less the whole "don't pick a label" argument works for me. Adults seem worried that a label chosen when a kid is twelve will either lock that kid into that identity, that they either won't consider change or will avoid expressing it, or that the label will cement in other people's minds and, I dunno, follow them to middle age. And I just...don't think it works like that. The kids my kid knows seem pretty comfortable moving from one identity to another (which is good! learning and changing is good!). And if anything, adults tend to dismiss kids' assertions of identity (see: LW's parent), so I'm not exactly worried that if, say, my kid identifies as something other than bi later in life, too many people will throw the years she's identified as bi in her face. And frankly, the ones who will are...already problems.

The parent is clearly prejudiced considering they take the whole 'my kid came out for attention' thing 100% Seriously vs it being parents coping w/ their teenager becoming their own person. (Also idk what the big deal is about doing things for attention if the things you're doing aren't harmful?)

Fwiw, I think labels can be particularly important to bisexual people because the bi experience tends to get shunted to the background unless explicitly stated. Returning again to 'doing things for attention', bisexual people often have to directly state they are bisexual or live with being miscatrgorized or misunderstood. Since people tend to be uncomfortable with anything but the most oblique reference to being LGB (many gay people find casually referencing a partner goes over better), bi people simply stating they're bi (and insisting they are in fact bi when people assume otherwise or 'forget') gets read as a dramatic call for attention instead of just... An expedient way of letting people know they are bisexual.

However the punishments thing is yikes. Idk I would also say that there are lots of loud & proud members of the LGBT community who, for safety reasons, did not come out until they were independent.

*tries to beam knowledge of Scarleteen into the LW's brain*

What is parent’s problem? Of all the things a preteen might get up to, adopting a label seems fairly harmless, whether they keep the label or not.

You’re a preteen, yes? Does that put you around middle school age? If so, please look around your school and see if there’s an LGBTQ+ student group. They might meet at lunch, or right after school. Start hanging out with them. They are the start of your new found family. You don’t have to mention why you’re hanging out with these folks, just that you’ve got some friends you’re happy to spend time with. Also, I can assure you that at least some of the others in that group also have sketchy families, and they are likely to have your back if you need it. I hope you find your people, and I hope you can be out and proud.