Dear Pay Dirt: Should my Daughter GIve Her Inheritance To Her Cousins?

[minoanmiss]

When my great-grandmother died, she left money for the education of my daughter and my brother’s daughter. My sister-in-law and I both suffered years of infertility and miscarriages, so it was expected our girls would be it. The money was evenly split between the girls and control given over to my childless aunt until the girls turn 21. Then my brother had an affair when his daughter was 9. His wife left him. He married his affair partner before the divorce went through and had two children with her. No one in the family approved of this or particularly likes the new wife, but we try to be neutral to keep the peace. My daughter got into an accelerated program, got a scholarship, and is going to graduate at 21 with her master’s. She hasn’t touched the money my great-grandmother left her.

My new sister-in-law has stated that her kids deserve an equal share of the funds now. That went over like a building collapse. My former sister-in-law now refuses to even talk to my brother. My brother, rather than control his wife’s greed, has been putting the emotional screws to our aunt. He can’t legally do anything, but emotional manipulation is easy.

My daughter got access to her funds last month and keeps asking me if it is OK to consider giving it away to her cousins. I really want to tell my daughter to donate the money before giving into the manipulations of this bitch and my brother, the spineless. The only thing holding my tongue is our parents’ misery. They want everyone to get along and be happy but are basically getting their grandchildren pitted against each other. My niece refused to talk to them because she wanted them to condemn my brother and his wife. I had to beg my ex-sister-in-law to just maintain small talk. Neither my parents nor my aunt are in the best health (and their estates are not going to last long). This family drama is taking a huge toll. What do I do?



Dear Money on the Line,

Since the money was originally earmarked for your daughter, she has a right to keep it. She also has a right to decide for herself what to do with it. So if she wants to give the money to her cousins, you shouldn’t stand in her way. Instead, be grateful that your daughter is a generous person who values the family peace so much that she wants to remedy this situation herself.

Your sister-in-law is absolutely being unreasonable, and your brother shouldn’t be enabling it, but consider how this rift affects their children, who should not be punished for their parents’ selfishness. Retaliating against your sister-in-law and brother would potentially hurt them as well, and I’m sure you don’t want that, whatever you think of your sister-in-law. So let your daughter decide what to do with her money and support her, however she chooses to act.

Comments

[heavenscalyx]

Daughter should absolutely NOT just give away her inheritance to her cousins, because her cousins are under their parents' thumbs right now and will lose it all to the parents. If she really wants to ensure that her cousins get it, she should consult a lawyer, with LW's help, and work to set up circumstances like their great-grandmother did.

Signed,
Someone whose cousin's mother stole her small inheritance

[likeaduck]

Yeah, with these family dynamics it seems like maybe there was a reason the great-great-grandkids were given their education money directly at 21 & control given to the great-aunt rather than their parents.

[conuly]

maybe there was a reason the great-great-grandkids were given their education money directly at 21 & control given to the great-aunt rather than their parents.

Just like the most suspicious spouse is always the one who's cheating. They do it, so they assume their partner is doing it too.

[cereta]

Putting money in a trust with specific instructions, such as having it paid directly to an educational institution, seems like a very good idea. It gives the younger kids some of what they almost certainly would have gotten in great-grandmother had been alive for their births while removing any (real or perceived) room for brother and SiL to misuse the money.

[conuly]

Agreed.

[melannen]

+1

If it was meant to be college money and Daughter didn't need it for college (it sounds like maybe it was?) it can be put back into a trust for college funds for any of Great-Grandma's descendants. Or for the cousins when they turn 21. Or daughter can invest it herself, and decide whether to give it to them later.

But don't just give it to the kids' parents now.