Dear Pay Dirt: Should my Daughter GIve Her Inheritance To Her Cousins?

[minoanmiss]

When my great-grandmother died, she left money for the education of my daughter and my brother’s daughter. My sister-in-law and I both suffered years of infertility and miscarriages, so it was expected our girls would be it. The money was evenly split between the girls and control given over to my childless aunt until the girls turn 21. Then my brother had an affair when his daughter was 9. His wife left him. He married his affair partner before the divorce went through and had two children with her. No one in the family approved of this or particularly likes the new wife, but we try to be neutral to keep the peace. My daughter got into an accelerated program, got a scholarship, and is going to graduate at 21 with her master’s. She hasn’t touched the money my great-grandmother left her.

My new sister-in-law has stated that her kids deserve an equal share of the funds now. That went over like a building collapse. My former sister-in-law now refuses to even talk to my brother. My brother, rather than control his wife’s greed, has been putting the emotional screws to our aunt. He can’t legally do anything, but emotional manipulation is easy.

My daughter got access to her funds last month and keeps asking me if it is OK to consider giving it away to her cousins. I really want to tell my daughter to donate the money before giving into the manipulations of this bitch and my brother, the spineless. The only thing holding my tongue is our parents’ misery. They want everyone to get along and be happy but are basically getting their grandchildren pitted against each other. My niece refused to talk to them because she wanted them to condemn my brother and his wife. I had to beg my ex-sister-in-law to just maintain small talk. Neither my parents nor my aunt are in the best health (and their estates are not going to last long). This family drama is taking a huge toll. What do I do?



Dear Money on the Line,

Since the money was originally earmarked for your daughter, she has a right to keep it. She also has a right to decide for herself what to do with it. So if she wants to give the money to her cousins, you shouldn’t stand in her way. Instead, be grateful that your daughter is a generous person who values the family peace so much that she wants to remedy this situation herself.

Your sister-in-law is absolutely being unreasonable, and your brother shouldn’t be enabling it, but consider how this rift affects their children, who should not be punished for their parents’ selfishness. Retaliating against your sister-in-law and brother would potentially hurt them as well, and I’m sure you don’t want that, whatever you think of your sister-in-law. So let your daughter decide what to do with her money and support her, however she chooses to act.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I would advise the daughter to keep at least half. One never knows when money might turn out to be useful.

Also, wow, families.

[conuly]

LW needs to talk to somebody. Like, a therapist. It's entirely possible that her new SIL is, in fact, a greedy spiteful bitch with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, but wow, this level of vitriol can not be healthy for LW.

Also, it does not go unnoticed by me that LW apparently thinks her brother has little to no agency whatsoever. She's the greedy one - he's just "spineless". I suppose she knows these people and I don't, but he's clearly been married to her for quite a while. He must see *something* in her qualities, and if she's greedy, maybe he is too.

[cereta]

I don't really care what's fair or acceptable to the adults. I care about what's fair to the kids, and all I see here is a couple of (probably fairly young) kids being punished because the family does not approve of new SiL or the marriage. Seriously, the LW is advising her daughter to donate the money rather than give into "this bitch" and their uncle. WTF is even up with that? Has the family been treating these kids like Westerosian bastards this whole time? (Yeah, been reading GoT fanfic, and I am flashing on Catelyn Stark and Jon Snow so hard.) There's not one solitary word about those children, what they're like, what their future plans might be, let alone even the smallest measure of affection. The only thing keeping LW in check is how it's hurting their parents, but it's the brother and new SiL who are pitting the grandchildren against each other?

Legally, assuming that the wording of the bequest was specific, no one has a claim on the money but the two granddaughters (although I'd be interested in how a court would rule on that). But when the daughter, both generously and fairly, wants to share the money and her parent is advising against it out of what seems like pure spite, I kind of want to take the younger kids out for ice cream once a week to assure them that they do not deserve this treatment.

[heavenscalyx]

Daughter should absolutely NOT just give away her inheritance to her cousins, because her cousins are under their parents' thumbs right now and will lose it all to the parents. If she really wants to ensure that her cousins get it, she should consult a lawyer, with LW's help, and work to set up circumstances like their great-grandmother did.

Signed,
Someone whose cousin's mother stole her small inheritance

[likeaduck]

Yeah, with these family dynamics it seems like maybe there was a reason the great-great-grandkids were given their education money directly at 21 & control given to the great-aunt rather than their parents.

[conuly]

maybe there was a reason the great-great-grandkids were given their education money directly at 21 & control given to the great-aunt rather than their parents.

Just like the most suspicious spouse is always the one who's cheating. They do it, so they assume their partner is doing it too.

[cereta]

Putting money in a trust with specific instructions, such as having it paid directly to an educational institution, seems like a very good idea. It gives the younger kids some of what they almost certainly would have gotten in great-grandmother had been alive for their births while removing any (real or perceived) room for brother and SiL to misuse the money.

[conuly]

Agreed.

[melannen]

+1

If it was meant to be college money and Daughter didn't need it for college (it sounds like maybe it was?) it can be put back into a trust for college funds for any of Great-Grandma's descendants. Or for the cousins when they turn 21. Or daughter can invest it herself, and decide whether to give it to them later.

But don't just give it to the kids' parents now.

[harpers_child]

Why was the aunt given control over the education funds instead of the parents?

I'm asking because my mom worked for a financial planner for years and in "normal" circumstances, the child's parents are given control. Having an aunt in charge is raising flags for me. (Also the accusations of people being greedy and all of the language used to describe the brother's wife.)

LW didn't give us all the info and is painting themselves in a very positive light (peacekeeper) given their actual actions. Also why isn't your daughter asking for advice directly?

[sporky_rat]

My parents would have used it to pay for things other than my education if they'd been put in charge of something like that but my aunts or uncles wouldn't have.

Could be something like that.

[laurajv]

This one is interesting to me because there are two hinge points that I see.

1: how the bequest was made in the first place. LW implies that it was specifically to two children, by name, not to all children of LW and Brother. If I were the g-grandmother, I would have written it the second way, not the first, IF I intended all children to inherit. If I were specifically leaving money to descendents I knew, because I was fond of them, I would word it the first way.

2. if LW's adult daughter has a charitable impulse about what to do with her money, does LW get a say? and the answer to that is No. If LW is a sensible person, the correct advice to give is to suggest LW's daughter sees a financial planner to sort out how to set up, say, a trust legally, and for the daughter to understand all tax implications, etc. of what she wants to do.

[mirlacca]

I do feel sorry for the two children, who are caught in the middle of something which is absolutely not their fault. LW's adult daughter has the right to share if she chooses. I'd advise her to hold on to some of it, too, though.

I'm a little confused by one thing--"He married his affair partner before the divorce went through"--if that's the case, those poor kids aren't legitimate, and the guy was a bigamist. But that makes absolutely no difference to the main point of the letter.