conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2021-10-31 12:11 pm

(no subject)

Ella writes: We have a family Netflix account. I am 18, but every time I switch my profile to allow TV-MA (mature) shows, my dad changes it back. Please order him to let me watch all kinds of shows!

Nothing magical happens when a child turns 18. And that’s why your dad should have figured out years ago that you are a whole human being with a deep inner life who deserves respect and agency. He may argue, “My house, my rules,” but you can tell him that’s just what the Front Man would say about the Squid Game (a show you can watch now). If you have the means, you could buy your own Netflix account. But better to point out: The only thing his censorship has done is drive you to write to a weird 50-year-old fake judge. Is that what he wants for his little girl? You’ll both be happier if he lets go and trusts your judgment, as the actual law now requires.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/28/magazine/family-netflix-mature-shows.html
movingfinger: (Default)

[personal profile] movingfinger 2021-10-31 05:38 pm (UTC)(link)
I would strongly encourage LW to add up the cost of whatever family-plan conveniences they're on, like phone, and start budgeting to get off the shared accounts as soon as possible. A friend with a parent like this had a hell of a time getting their phone number transferred off the family account that Dad controlled and needed to because Dad would only pay for minimal service levels.
mommy: Wanda Maximoff; Scarlet Witch (Default)

[personal profile] mommy 2021-10-31 06:49 pm (UTC)(link)
I mean, if the dad is paying for the account then it makes sense that he'd get a say on the settings? Just like how LW would get a say on the settings if they had a Netflix account of their own, which is probably what they should do so their dad can't override their media preferences.

Part of growing up is finding a way to pay for your own things. This can become very difficult depending on the family, but I don't see anything to suggest that here. In LW's case, a part time job will generally be enough to pay the $8.99 per month for the cheapest Netflix subscription option.
mommy: Wanda Maximoff; Scarlet Witch (Default)

[personal profile] mommy 2021-10-31 11:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Does he get to tell his wife she can't watch TV-MA shows either?

He could do that, and then the wife would then have every right to tell her husband to stop being ridiculous.

LW has been going with a passive method of handling things by just changing the settings. They could try having a direct conversation with their parents about how annoying having to change the settings is, or they could just get a separate account. Both are fine options with positives and negatives, some of which you went into. I think getting an account of their own is less likely to backfire, though.
sara: S (Default)

[personal profile] sara 2021-11-01 04:44 am (UTC)(link)
There's a difference between how one should treat a spouse, and how one should treat a child.

If a child over the age of eighteen doesn't care to live by household rules any longer, they've got a variety of options available. But none of those options include "tell the fellow adult whose account you're mooching off how to handle themselves."

My eighteen year old is welcome to watch whatever media they like, that's none of my business -- but it's on their dime.
lilysea: Serious (Default)

[personal profile] lilysea 2021-11-01 09:16 am (UTC)(link)
If that's how you want to treat your grown children, you may have the legal right to do so - but you're not going to have a very close relationship with them once they do leave your home.

Yes, ditto.

I think using setting controls to stop people aged 18 or older accessing mature content is only acceptable under extreme circumstances

eg to prevent someone who is currently massively struggling with anorexia from watching content that is clearly making them worse

or if your 19 old child keeps watching eg Game of Thrones violence in front of your 6 old child, despite repeated requests to watch it in their own bedroom with the door shut.
sara: S (Default)

[personal profile] sara 2021-11-04 02:01 pm (UTC)(link)
Wow, you know exactly nothing about me and my kids.
cereta: two blue clay tea cups with tan flowers (tea cups)

[personal profile] cereta 2021-11-01 02:32 pm (UTC)(link)
I think there needs to be more discussion about the status of 18-year-olds who are still in high school, or for that matter, 19-21 year-olds, who are still unbelievably constrained by laws on all levels. Get me started on the driving restrictions of 19-and-unders in my state. Or better yet, don't, because I'll just end up flailing.

I turned 18 the November of my senior year of college. I worked part-time as a regular babysitter, in no small part because any other job would have required my mother to drive me, something that had not gone well the one time I'd done it (minimum wage jobs are not known for letting employees leave at regular times). As it was, I walked a mile and a half to and from one gig. Getting a car would have eaten up any money I was making. Most importantly, I was focusing on getting into a good school so I could leave. I probably could have afforded $10 a month, but that wouldn't have been everything I'd have had to pay for, would it?

In my job, I see every day barely-adults who have spent their whole lives under "my house/my classroom, my rules," who are then suddenly cut loose, expected to handle getting a job, choosing classes, keeping track of a million deadlines, all while still relying on parents to fill out things like FAFSA forms and having their financial aid dependent on parents' income. Many just take right to it. Others, well, they flounder. A lot.
sara: S (Default)

[personal profile] sara 2021-11-04 02:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Schools aren't doing a great job of teaching personal economics, civics, or household management. I think there's got to be some effort to get those back in the high school curriculum but I do seem to be in the minority in that belief.
lemonsharks: (Default)

[personal profile] lemonsharks 2021-11-04 12:01 pm (UTC)(link)

It goes the other way, too: telling a fellow adult with whom you're sharing an account that they can only watch things you approve is at best controlling and imo by by its very nature sketchy as hell. even if you did contribute genetic material to their creation 18+ years ago.

sara: S (Default)

[personal profile] sara 2021-11-04 02:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Parents aren't obligated to provide their adult children with Netflix subscriptions. No.

ETA: and it says a lot about you that you would describe parenting as "contributing genetic material eighteen years ago."
Edited 2021-11-04 14:06 (UTC)
lemonsharks: (Default)

[personal profile] lemonsharks 2021-11-04 07:00 pm (UTC)(link)

But your mother might be able to access softcore pornography...in french! Quelle horreur! 😱

lemonsharks: (family shit)

[personal profile] lemonsharks 2021-11-04 06:59 pm (UTC)(link)

Yes, it says that I understand that some parents are weirdly controlling of their adult children and need to step off the purity policing if they want to continue having a relationship with their kids in the future.

If you guessed that I'm a big proponent of chosen family over family of origin you are in fact not only right but damn right.

lemonsharks: (Default)

[personal profile] lemonsharks 2021-11-04 11:10 pm (UTC)(link)

With chosen family behavior this controlling is usually seen as a red flag, y'know?

ioplokon: purple cloth (Default)

[personal profile] ioplokon 2021-10-31 09:43 pm (UTC)(link)
What's the point of having that setting if you can just give yourself more permissions lol? I'd just change it for your session & then change it back. Netflix also lets you delete things from your history & 'Continue Watching'. Obviously it's probably like healthier if LW can talk the dad into letting his adult child choose what they watch but... I'm doubtful that would work.
laurajv: Holmes & Watson's car is as cool as Batman's (Default)

[personal profile] laurajv 2021-11-03 04:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I think if the father is doing this the low-tech way and checking in on the accounts manually, this will work and LW should do it. I haven't looked at Netflix's parental settings closely recently (last go-round, spouse updated things) but if there's a "notify parent if this changes" setting, that's going to be harder to get around.
ioplokon: purple cloth (Default)

[personal profile] ioplokon 2021-11-03 06:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh good point.
shirou: (cloud)

[personal profile] shirou 2021-10-31 11:19 pm (UTC)(link)
My son is 9 and does not yet recognize everything he can access on the internet. Right now controls are easy: He has to use his phone in the living room, and he doesn't do anything but play games. I am acutely aware that these days are numbered, and I am going to need to figure out parental controls, and more importantly, figure out how to help him navigate a digital world I know I can't really control his access to, at least not for long.

The dad in this letter is nuts if he thinks he can stop his 18-year-old daughter from watching rated-R movies.