agonyaunt | Ask a Manager: My boss is upset that she didn’t know my coworker and I live together

#4. My company doesn’t have a no-fraternization policy (unless there’s a power differential), but they do require us to disclose romantic relationships with others in the company, and especially within the smaller departments. Recently, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me that she was very concerned because she had just learned that I was in a relationship and living with one of my coworkers. She said that she’d smoothed things over with the higher-ups and the coworker and I wouldn’t be disciplined for the non-disclosure, but she was very disappointed in us for not being open and following the policy, and implied that her view of my professional integrity and judgment was affected by this.

The thing is … we aren’t in a relationship. I do live with a coworker, and we’re very close friends, but we are very explicitly not a romantic couple (we briefly discussed dating at one time before we lived together, but both had the immediate reaction of “ew, no, you’re like family”). I tried to explain that to my supervisor, but she clearly wasn’t buying it — raising her eyebrow, pursing her lips, etc. She finally said, “Even if that was true, you still should disclose a close personal friendship if you’re living together.”

At the time, I just let it go and apologized, but I’ve been thinking about it and I’m not sure if I should bring it back up. I am a woman and my coworker is a man, so I guess it’s not that surprising that people assume we’re a couple, but since we’re not, I didn’t think our shared address was relevant. But am I wrong in that thinking? Should I have assumed that my living situation required disclosure? And should I try to talk to my boss about it again and make sure she understands that 1) I’m honestly not dating my roommate/coworker and 2) I would of course have followed the policy if I’d realized it applied to roommates as well as romantic partners?

You’re not wrong, and I bet this wouldn’t be happening if you had moved in with a female coworker.

Frankly, I would appreciate knowing if two of my employees lived together because it can bring up some of the same conflict of interest stuff that romantic relationships can — but I wouldn’t have a right to be upset if they didn’t go out of their way to tell me about it. That’s just not generally a thing you’re expected to disclose in a formal way.

Since your boss implied that you committed an ethical breach, I do think you need to bring it back up. I’d say this: “I got the sense when we spoke the other day that you didn’t believe that Cecil and I aren’t involved. I’m taken aback that you think I’d lie about that. I understand why our disclosure policy is in place and my integrity is important to me. If I’d known that the company wants roommates to disclose that they’re roommates, I’d have happily done that — but my understanding was that the policy was about romantic relationships and this is not one. I’m alarmed by your implication that this reflects on my integrity. How do I set the record straight?”

However, whether or not to pursue it depends on what you know of your boss. With some managers, it would be wiser not to keep poking at it. But otherwise, I’d want to raise it.

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I think she needs to find out three things: 1) if anyone spoke to her roommate about this 2) What HR actually thinks of the situation 3) Where to get another job ASAP.

Her manager thinks she's a liar who has committted an ethical breach (and quite possibly that she's a slut). I can't see any way of fixing that work relationship unless the manager is willing to change her mind, the more power people have the less they are willing to do so, and managers are by definition powerful. I wish LW luck, and I find myself wondering how to explain such a departure in interviews.

(I also wish Alliosn's advice here were less wishy-washy. )

Yup, this is absolutely a "flee as fast as your feet can carry you" situation. Especially if "smoothing things over with higher-ups" was involved, which implies that all the higher-ups believe she lied too. ESPECIALLY especially if no one spoke to her roommate about it.

yeah.

At a prior job, I worked with my housemate (of more than 20 years; platonic family of choice). I always wondered whether I should bring it up, and it was always awkward when it came up in conversation. People made uncomfortably sexual inferences, it was clear.

But for management to react like this is utterly inappropriate and quite honestly my call on this is that LW should talk to HR, and if HR doesn't 100% side with the LW and discipline the manager for accusing a report of being in a sexual relationship, then it would be out the door so fast.

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I feel like "my manager strongly objected to me having a roommate of a different gender, and that made it uncomfortable to stay there" would be an understandable answer to why you left.

Bingo. It might also get the point across in the exit interview. Maybe.

this one resonated, huh?

sticks out tongue in a helplessly pathetic attempt to refute being Known

Ask a Manager: My boss is upset that she didn’t know my coworker and I live together

Poor LW

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