Care & Feeding: Should I confess my feelings to ym coparent?

[minoanmiss]

I am the mother of a lovely 2-year-old girl. I’m a younger parent (pregnant at 20), and she was unplanned. Her father is my best friend of many years. Our relationship was never sexual with the exception of one night. Afterward we both decided that we did not want a relationship with each other and that we’re better off friends. A few months later I found out I was pregnant. We both agreed that we would co-parent the child platonically and we have for the past two years. We both have similar parenting values and have remained friendly toward each other. We even spend important days together like her first Christmas, her birthday, etc., so neither parent has to miss out. Despite our less than ideal circumstances I think he’s a very good father to our daughter.
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Lately some of our interactions have felt more than platonic. We’ve been hanging out more frequently without mutual friends or even without our daughter once or twice and we’re more physically affectionate toward each other (hugging, sitting close to each other, “accidentally” brushing up against each other, etc). Some of our mutual friends have also confessed that they think he sees me as more than a friend. I’ve known I had feelings for him for a long time but had accepted that I needed to put those feelings aside for my daughter. I don’t want to complicate our relationship or interfere with our parenting because my daughter is always my priority. But now that I believe he feels the same way I can’t help but want to see where our relationship could go. I feel guilty for even thinking about acting on my feelings. I feel like it would be selfish of me to risk the stable routine and family situation our child is used to. But at the same time, I want so badly to find happiness in a relationship, something I haven’t done since before my daughter was born. Is it worth it to risk my good co-parenting setup for the chance of a romantic relationship with my child’s father?

—Misguided Mother

Dear Misguided Mother,

It’s very natural to want to pursue a romantic relationship with the father of your child, especially when you already seem to get along as well as you do. It’s also natural that more-than-friend feelings may have developed during the course of the two years you’ve spent sharing bonding moments with and without your daughter present. None of this is selfish, so be kinder to yourself.

It doesn’t hurt to have a direct conversation with your co-parent. Consider it a grown-up, parents’ version of: “I like you. Do you like me?” If what you suspect—that your growing feelings are mutual—is true, then you both have a decision to make. Can you be as mature about slowly transitioning into a romantic partnership with the same grace that you’ve handled co-parenting? If necessary, could you break up and resume the same sort of relationship you’ve enjoyed till now?

You may find that you both think it’s worth a try. You may find that when you’re being honest with each other you don’t think the risk is worth it in the end. But you won’t know until you’ve both laid your cards on the table.

Wishing you all the best.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I wanted to post a letter that hadn't made me want to claw my own face off. Being a romantic, I can just imagine the sweet story this could make. Childrearing brings out a different side of people and it would make sense that this brought out a side of him that she's become very fond of.

I wish them luck.

[bikergeek]

Yeah. I only worry that they'll form a romantic relationship, it *won't* work, and that the symptoms of it will cause the co-parenting relationship to deteriorate, to the detriment of the kid.

[minoanmiss]

Well, then, they'll be in a known societal situation -- coparents who are breaking up. That's a situation many people have been through and can advise them on.

[sathari]

Your comments here are always, always excellent and insightful and I should really say that more often, but today I really needed the phrase "known societal situation" in my life. So thank you very much for that.

[minoanmiss]

Oh my goodness, thank you and you are totally welcome!

[cereta]

I had a...not a front-row seat, maybe a good balcony view of this happening to my sister and the father of her oldest. It was more a "we're not together enough to marry or live together" when niece was an infant, "let's try living together" when she was about one, and "wow, that was a mistake" when she was...not much more than one. The father was pretty much a dick about the break-up, but they were able to shake things out to the point that six years later, he helped out when my sister married another dude. It's not the worst thing that could happen.