Dear Prudence: Am I Possibly Stealing These Kids?

[minoanmiss]

My husband and I (both white men) decided to become foster parents several years ago, with the ultimate goal of eventually adopting. We took the classes and our first placement came to us in Sept 2020, during the pandemic. In my estimation, we have done an excellent job with the day-to-day, but something has come up that I’m at a loss about. I’ll try to be brief.

In short, the agency has decided that the children’s extended family (they are two siblings, both parents are incarcerated for unknown “drug-related” reasons) is ill-equipped to care for them, despite owning a home, seeming to have a stable income, and already having raised two children previously. They have asked us to step in and proceed with a full adoption. My husband wants to do this as he has always wanted children, and these two are pretty awesome. I am very hung up on a number of things that can be boiled down to: I feel like we are stealing someone else’s kids. We don’t know (and the agency won’t say, for “privacy” reasons) why the parents are incarcerated, and we don’t know why the extended family has been ruled out and denied custody (they really seem fine, stable, nice, and they are interested in the kids), also for “privacy” reasons.

This seems insane to me. What if the parents are in jail for possession, or some other goofy crime that God knows I’ve committed 8,000 times myself (in bygone years)? What if the extended family is perfectly fine but has been precluded due to some bureaucratic nonsense issue like lacking paperwork? We live in a large urban area and the foster system is known, according to them, for its diligence, but this still feels icky. Both our families are pro the adoption, and I’m the only one pointing out red flags. They think it’s because I’m not “fully committed” to the idea of adoption or having kids, but I can tell you I’ve been agonizing over this and can’t get past the lack of data we have on how the kids have come to this point. They are Latinx kids caught up in foster care and the carceral state. Am I overthinking this? Should we trust the agency’s process? What should I do?

— Stealing Someone’s Kids?

I think your concerns are very, very real and very thoughtful. But the thing is, they are about the system, not about this one adoption. Declining to move forward won’t free your kids from that system and all of its problems—it will (as far as I know; hopefully a reader will correct me if I’m off base here) simply lead to them being placed with another family that may or may not be as loving and sensitive as you are.

I think you should do it, and make it a priority to give the kids as much contact as possible with their family of origin, and as much reassurance as possible that they are not terrible people.
So no, you’re not overthinking it at all. You are thinking about it the perfect amount. And I have a feeling you’ll put the same amount of thought into all the future aspects of raising Latinx kids and the many complicated issues that come with being an adoptive parent.

Comments

Re: for once no one is the asshole!

[vindoletta]

On top of jerusha 's answer, my guess is that the bio family might be considered unsuitable for whatever reason the first time, but that was corrected over time and that's why they're given the child back. Things like unemployment, poverty, etc. Once that changes, and if the bio family is still willing, there's no reason for the child to still be in foster care. That's why the foster period is so long in my country, I think. It's meant as a temporary measure, not a pit stop before adoption. That's why adopting after only one year of foster caring for a kid seemed rushed to me.

*How* a particular child ends up flagged for the system while others don't, even if both of their willing extended family might have problems, I have no idea.

Re: for once no one is the asshole!

[cereta]

No, I get the "they weren't fit then, and now they are." I'm just not getting what happens at the four year mark to make the bio family suitable. If they go back because the bio family has fixed whatever the problem was, yeah, that's good, but the post I replied to sounded a lot like if that doesn't happen in the four years while the child is in foster care/eligible for adoption, they'll still go back to the bio family.

Re: for once no one is the asshole!

[vindoletta]

Ah, sorry. What I meant is that if after that time period the bio family isn't considered suitable, the fostering is formalized into an adoption, and the kids stay with the adoptive family from then on. I can see how that bit was badly worded.