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agonyaunt2021-08-24 12:11 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-08-24 12:11 pm
Entry tags:
Ask a Manager: Jesus Is The Man
Context in the first comment.
The Confused Coworker
“I was working as a teacher at a public high school in a former life, mid-20s. It was in a major city in a pretty liberal and diverse area, but in a conservative state. At the time that this story occurred, my now wife and I (we’re both women) were newly engaged. I’m a pretty private person, but I wasn’t at all the only non-straight teacher on staff; our principal was not Out, but it was an open secret that she and her ‘roommate’ were not just roommates. Basically, it was a gay-friendly environment for the most part. Other teachers were open with their students, and I generally had a policy of not broadcasting my queerness, but if a student asked I would answer honestly. After I got engaged, most of my students and the rest of the staff knew I wasn’t straight. But there were a couple of older, traditional staff members who were not at all okay with the gay.
One such person was a support teacher I’ll call Dolores. She was older, from a very Christian and conservative country, and she was a talker; the sort of person who will not stop harping on negatively to anyone who will listen about EVERYTHING, and does not understand most social cues that the person is no longer interested. Most times, you have to just abruptly walk away and close the door to get her to stop talking. It was intense. And she was really homophobic. At one point, she started talking non-stop to another teacher about how 2 male students shouldn’t be seated next to each other in classes because they weren’t masculine enough and they would probably ‘spread their homosexual energy’ too much. The teacher she kept trying to convince of this was openly gay, and she would say homophobic things in front of him just to make him crazy.
One day, not long after my partner and I got engaged, she corners me in my classroom to talk about something else completely, and somehow ends up discussing the gender roles in my relationship. For context, my partner and I are both very feminine presenting; it is often surprising to people that we’re gay. It went something like this:
Dolores: In your picture, you both look like such nice girls. Who is the man and who is the woman?
Me: Ummm. Well there isn’t a man in our relationship, that’s kind of the point. Anyway, about this spreadsheet…
Dolores, refusing to drop it: No, but who wears pants?
Me, pretending to be clueless: I mean, I’m wearing pants today. I haven’t seen her outfit today, so I’m not sure what she’s wearing. Does this have something to do with the spreadsheet?
Dolores, more and more frustrated: But one of you must be the man. Who makes the decisions?
Me: We make decisions together, because we’re partners. What does a man have to do with that?
Dolores: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY. WHICH OF YOU IS THE MAN?!
Me: Ummm do you understand the concept of homosexuality? I’m not sure work is the best place to get into this.
Dolores: YES I DO DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?! I’m just trying to understand who the man is!
Me, giving up: JESUS IS THE MAN. JESUS IS THE ONLY MAN IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, OKAY?!
She was utterly offended and thought I was making fun of her (okay, I was). BUT. She never initiated contact with me ever again, which was the best revenge I could have asked for. For a couple of years after that, other staff members would ask me how I managed to keep from being cornered by her, and I would just say, ‘I told her about my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and she was terribly offended.'”
The Confused Coworker
“I was working as a teacher at a public high school in a former life, mid-20s. It was in a major city in a pretty liberal and diverse area, but in a conservative state. At the time that this story occurred, my now wife and I (we’re both women) were newly engaged. I’m a pretty private person, but I wasn’t at all the only non-straight teacher on staff; our principal was not Out, but it was an open secret that she and her ‘roommate’ were not just roommates. Basically, it was a gay-friendly environment for the most part. Other teachers were open with their students, and I generally had a policy of not broadcasting my queerness, but if a student asked I would answer honestly. After I got engaged, most of my students and the rest of the staff knew I wasn’t straight. But there were a couple of older, traditional staff members who were not at all okay with the gay.
One such person was a support teacher I’ll call Dolores. She was older, from a very Christian and conservative country, and she was a talker; the sort of person who will not stop harping on negatively to anyone who will listen about EVERYTHING, and does not understand most social cues that the person is no longer interested. Most times, you have to just abruptly walk away and close the door to get her to stop talking. It was intense. And she was really homophobic. At one point, she started talking non-stop to another teacher about how 2 male students shouldn’t be seated next to each other in classes because they weren’t masculine enough and they would probably ‘spread their homosexual energy’ too much. The teacher she kept trying to convince of this was openly gay, and she would say homophobic things in front of him just to make him crazy.
One day, not long after my partner and I got engaged, she corners me in my classroom to talk about something else completely, and somehow ends up discussing the gender roles in my relationship. For context, my partner and I are both very feminine presenting; it is often surprising to people that we’re gay. It went something like this:
Dolores: In your picture, you both look like such nice girls. Who is the man and who is the woman?
Me: Ummm. Well there isn’t a man in our relationship, that’s kind of the point. Anyway, about this spreadsheet…
Dolores, refusing to drop it: No, but who wears pants?
Me, pretending to be clueless: I mean, I’m wearing pants today. I haven’t seen her outfit today, so I’m not sure what she’s wearing. Does this have something to do with the spreadsheet?
Dolores, more and more frustrated: But one of you must be the man. Who makes the decisions?
Me: We make decisions together, because we’re partners. What does a man have to do with that?
Dolores: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY. WHICH OF YOU IS THE MAN?!
Me: Ummm do you understand the concept of homosexuality? I’m not sure work is the best place to get into this.
Dolores: YES I DO DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?! I’m just trying to understand who the man is!
Me, giving up: JESUS IS THE MAN. JESUS IS THE ONLY MAN IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, OKAY?!
She was utterly offended and thought I was making fun of her (okay, I was). BUT. She never initiated contact with me ever again, which was the best revenge I could have asked for. For a couple of years after that, other staff members would ask me how I managed to keep from being cornered by her, and I would just say, ‘I told her about my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and she was terribly offended.'”
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https://www.askamanager.org/2021/08/the-sick-call-with-sound-effects-the-cheesecake-and-other-stories-of-triumphs-over-jerks-at-work.html
are on the theme of triumphing over Jerks at Work.
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Because I can see that for a certain authoritarian point of view, they absolutely cannot comprehend a relationship of equals instead of a hierarchical one.
That is about the only way out of such monologuing individuals, present them with an authority that they do recognize. But marshalling adequate sincerity, when not speaking about my own spiritual viewpoint, might be the sticking point... ✡️
My married gay Christian clergy brothers-in-law have mentioned the same issue with people wondering who's the woman in the relationship.
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Some polyfolk get this as well, if they don't practice a style of polyamory that recognizes a hierarchy of relationships like primary/secondary (and maybe even tertiary for someone you see once or twice a year, e.g. at cons or Pennsic or the like).
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Mary?
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Yes, taking these psychology, sociology, and counseling courses means I understand a LOT more of the unspoken communication than I did twenty years ago.
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This is BEAUTIFUL
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