Yeah, there's a big issue here all right....

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend refuses to send me intimate pictures. We don't see each other much anymore because of school and our busy schedules, so I feel really neglected. I'm wondering if she even likes me anymore. I don't want to pressure her, but I'm curious as to why she wouldn't naturally want to send pictures. Do you think this is a sign of a bigger issue? -- Intimacy Issues

DEAR INTIMACY ISSUES: I'm sorry, but I agree 100% with your girlfriend. Too often, explicit photos shared between lovers end up in the wrong hands, and someone ends up paying a hefty price for the indiscretion. Even the most discreet recipient of said photos could have them in an unprotected space where someone else might access them.

Another reality check is that sometimes couples break up, and intimate photos get used as weapons. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I strongly caution you against pressuring her for photos. Let it be.

What you can do is talk more, video chat more and work harder on maintaining intimacy even at a distance. Get creative; talk dirty to each other over the phone. Without recording, use the video feature to allow yourselves to see each other scantily clad when you are talking. You can work to establish excitement and closeness in your busy schedules. Just don't compromise your privacy as you do it.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2537068

Comments

[conuly]

LW's girlfriend should break up with him, because he's got an unhealthy attitude towards her naked image. You're not entitled to nude images just because you're dating, buddy!

I give much greater than 50% odds that he didn't send her a naked picture of himself. Maybe part of himself, but nothing identifiable.

(I give it significantly less than 5% odds that LW isn't a cismale.)

[cimorene]

Whole Man Disposal was my immediate reaction as well. The attitude is even worse than the apparent deliberate naivete about the issue.

[minoanmiss]

When the answer is so obvious even Harriette gets it right... *shakes head at LW*

[conuly]

I shudder to think of the comments, though. I haven't checked, but columns about naked photos usually have comments that go wildly in the other direction, with people asserting that sending nudie pics is an amazingly deviant act and that you practically deserve to have your image smeared everywhere for ever thinking to do such a thing.

I dunno, I feel like there's a middle ground where it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you want to (though I strongly suggest you don't send one unless you get one) but also it's perfectly reasonable to not want to.

[minoanmiss]

What is this Earth logic you're using?

with people asserting that sending nudie pics is an amazingly deviant act and that you practically deserve to have your image smeared everywhere for ever thinking to do such a thing.

Ughghghgh those assholes. They DO show up in every discussion of nudie pix ever. Even on AskAManager.

[conuly]

It's so bizarre to me. Not that those commenters are assholes, that's sadly expected, but... like... they're just photographs and these people always act like it's tantamount to doing bestiality porn.

[cereta]

Oh, hey, that reminds me: it's time for my monthly reminder to the teen fanperson never to send anyone nude pictures.

[mommy]

It looks like LW has some troubling views on dating if they think having a girlfriend is an automatic source of nude pics. Hopefully the girlfriend will dump them soon.

[julian]

Like, seriously. Pictures are not the only form if intimacy. Learn new ones.

[azurelunatic]

Yes, there are bigger issues: you, dude.

[melannen]

>>I'm curious as to why she wouldn't naturally want to send pictures.

A fundamental part of female response to arousal: increased heartbeat, flushing, lubrication and genital engorgement, uncontrollable urge to send nudes.

[jadelennox]

🤣

[liv]

I'm a tiny bit sympathetic towards LW because it sounds like he (?) is very young. Assuming "school" doesn't mean highschool, he could still be under 20. I get the impression that there's a pretty strong culture among contemporary teens that exchanging nudes is a thing you do when you're dating. I think this culture is bad, but I also understand why somebody fairly new to adult dating might not have robustly challenged that part of his upbringing.

I think the key line here is We don't see each other much anymore ... I feel really neglected. That's the real problem, and I would have liked Harriette to address it beyond just telling him off for asking for nudes. Which, yes, is a sexist custom which harms women much more than it harms men. But it seems likely he's never lived through the experience of a new shiny relationship moving to something more sedate once the NRE wears off and life starts to intervene. If receiving nudes is a symbol of connection as much as something he specifically requires, I can see why he's worried.

If he had written in saying, my girlfriend is always too busy for me and when we do meet up she never seems to want to kiss me anymore, well, yes, you could answer by saying that you're not entitled to kissing if your lover isn't into it, but that would be missing the point a bit. I don't think they should have phone sex or cam sex just because she doesn't like sending nudes, I think they should talk openly about what they want out of a more established relationship and what intimacy means to them, beyond just which sexual acts they're doing or not doing.