![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Dear Abby: Cuddling With Mom
DEAR ABBY: I'm on the verge of 30, and my fiance has a huge issue with the fact that I still cuddle with my mom. From what he says, his family isn't wild about it, either.
Mom has suffered a great deal of loss in her life. She has lost all of her immediate family (aside from her kids) to cancer. We were all caretakers for these family members, doing in-home hospice, and we have formed a unique bond.
My fiance has never even been to a funeral, so it's hard for me to explain this to him. Mom was born in a country in Europe where hugging and lots of affection are natural.
I live out of state, but when I'm home I will put my head on Mom's shoulder and cuddle with her while watching a movie. Sometimes in the morning I'll bring her a hot cup of coffee, put it next to her bed, and jump in with her and her dog. We joke, laugh, cuddle until we have to get up. Is this something I need professional help for, as certain people have had the nerve to tell me? -- AFFECTIONATE IN ALBANY, N.Y.
DEAR AFFECTIONATE: It should be clear to you by now that you are engaged to a man who comes from a family that isn't comfortable with physical demonstrations of affection, and is quick to judge others. Treasure the closeness you have with your mother while you have it because, after she's no longer with you, that special kind of affection will be permanently over.
For your fiance or his family to suggest there's something wrong with cuddling with your mother, or that you need "professional help" because you do it, is both sad and wrong. Many people would find the relationship you share with her to be enviable, and I am one of them.
Mom has suffered a great deal of loss in her life. She has lost all of her immediate family (aside from her kids) to cancer. We were all caretakers for these family members, doing in-home hospice, and we have formed a unique bond.
My fiance has never even been to a funeral, so it's hard for me to explain this to him. Mom was born in a country in Europe where hugging and lots of affection are natural.
I live out of state, but when I'm home I will put my head on Mom's shoulder and cuddle with her while watching a movie. Sometimes in the morning I'll bring her a hot cup of coffee, put it next to her bed, and jump in with her and her dog. We joke, laugh, cuddle until we have to get up. Is this something I need professional help for, as certain people have had the nerve to tell me? -- AFFECTIONATE IN ALBANY, N.Y.
DEAR AFFECTIONATE: It should be clear to you by now that you are engaged to a man who comes from a family that isn't comfortable with physical demonstrations of affection, and is quick to judge others. Treasure the closeness you have with your mother while you have it because, after she's no longer with you, that special kind of affection will be permanently over.
For your fiance or his family to suggest there's something wrong with cuddling with your mother, or that you need "professional help" because you do it, is both sad and wrong. Many people would find the relationship you share with her to be enviable, and I am one of them.
no subject
no subject
For the LW, I wonder what the fiance's (and family's) attitude will extend to any children they might have. That would be something I would want to discuss before marriage. It's one thing for one parent not to be as physically demonstrative as the other. It's another to think there is something wrong with being demonstrative.
no subject
(Also? I went through a teenage/early twenties period where I was happy to be close to my mom, like next to each other on a couch, but not touch, FYI, but that was because the intersection of downtime+hormones+writerbrain meant I was usually imagining porny stories, lol, and felt kinda weird about touching MY MOM while I was fantasizing about hot imaginary men! The touch-me-not went away about when the hormones settled down to a comfortable simmer--- just throwing that out there if your kiddo goes through a "no, thanks" phase for cuddles in the next few years; it may be hormonespikes+imagination as opposed to a permanent separation.)
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
* I am assuming that "certain people" refers to her fiancee.
no subject
no subject
So true. It's even moreso for/with men, too.
(And like, I am touch-averse. People better damn well not touch me without my permission/engagement. But it's still stupid the way it gets classed. It's my MOTHER. I was INSIDE HER. Come on.)
no subject
THIS.
LOUDLY.
FOREVER.
Seriously, I came out of my mother's body, and left cells there, COME ON. (And it is a GIFT that we love each other and trust each other and feel safe in each other's personal-space bubbles, there are so many people who do not have that luxury at all--- including my mom with her mom, who lived with us for the last decade-ish before she died and they were cordial and collegial and supportive but BY NO EFFING MEANS cuddly AT ALL. So yeah, we are the lucky ones on that score!)
no subject
I am fucking THIRTY-SIX (female-configured) and I have sleepovers with my mom where we share a king-sized bed and lean/snuggle on each other or trade back-and-foot-rubs (she has a laundry list of bone/joint/muscle-pain conditions, many of which are heritable so there is also some self-interested-learning on my part, lol!) and paint each other's nails and generally DO SLEEPOVER THINGS. And both of us are HARDCORE EFFING BOUNDARIED with other people about personal space.
And a dude in my life who judged on that? Would not be in my life if he insisted to judge on that after some degree of discussion-and-possibly-couples-counseling to work out our respective comfort zones/safe-spaces on things around intimate-nonsexual-touch and other related areas. (Yeah, sometimes that shit is a mismatch of expectations/safe-space/etc., especially if there is any history of boundary-violation in fiance's family so I'm giving fiance that much benefit of the doubt, but only that much.)
no subject
(Is it strange that I'm sensing a connection between the fiance's family being touch averse and the fiance being an adult who's never attended a funeral? It feels like a connection issue to me.)
no subject