Dear Prudence: My Sister-in Law Has No Problem Saying She Would Have Aborted Her Son

[legionseagle]

My sister-in-law casually mentioned that she would have aborted my now 3-year-old nephew, but my brother tricked her into missing the appointment. I’m shocked to learn about this, but if she is so willing to share it, what’s to stop their son from eventually finding out? I talked to my brother, and he thinks it would be no big deal if their son does eventually find out. I disagree. How can I convince them to never speak of this again?

—Wish I Hadn’t Heard This

I, too, wish I hadn’t heard this! I am as allergic to such comments in situations where a child might hear as I am to searching personal essays about parenting regret that are posted to the internet where, inevitably, an enterprising child will find them. However, this nephew is not your child, you have no control over how your brother and sister-in-law raise him, and you absolutely cannot convince them not to bring it up. Indeed it’s not even your job to do so!

Comments

[shirou]

I think the issue is that LW mentioned it "casually." SIL absolutely should be free to talk about how she was manipulated in private, for example, in therapy or with friends, when her son is not present. But I agree with LW and Dan Kois that SIL (and everyone) should take care not to mention this around the child until he is older and able to process everything that happened, and at that time SIL should tell him as part of a serious conversation, not an offhand mention.

[legionseagle]

I think she should be free to talk about it with a good divorce lawyer, personally, but I don't see any evidence from LW that she "casually" mentioned it in the child's earshot; indeed, the LW is fairly clear she hasn't (yet).

[shirou]

Agree on the divorce lawyer. Maybe you're right, and SIL is already taking care not to mention this topic around her son, but Brother says it would be "no big deal" for the kid to find out, so he, at least, does not recognize the risk here.

[legionseagle]

That, to me, is another red flag about this.

[shirou]

Then we are in agreement.

[oursin]

Or he has a very icky 'Daddy hero saviour' narrative in mind.

[legionseagle]

That was what I meant by "red flag." "Oo's bad mummy tried to have oo killed, den?"