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Two letters on kids' sexual orientation
I already posted one letter from this specific column, just below, here are two more. They're similar enough in theme that it made sense to group them together.
***
My 13-year-old daughter is a free spirit. She is the first one to stick up for the underdog (animal rights, women’s rights, Black Lives Matter, LGBTQ rights, etc.). Recently she has told us that she might like girls but she is not sure, and my husband and I have told her that no matter who she chooses to love, we will love and support her. The trouble is that because she has spoken openly about how she might be bisexual, she is being picked on at school by boys who used to like her. She does not shy away from who she is, but she is bothered by how she is being treated. We are a religious family and my daughter is being told by some of these boys that being gay is a sin and that she is not going to heaven, which makes her feel awful. I’m not sure how to help her! Is there anything I can do other than to tell her that she has our support?
—Confused Parent
Yes. You can tell her firmly that these boys are wrong—that being gay is not a sin, that it would not keep her out of heaven, and that as a religious family you are certain that God loves us all, no matter who we are or whom we love. And if the latter is not (yet) true, if you practice a faith that preaches otherwise, one important way to support your daughter—which goes well beyond telling her that she has your support—is to begin now to practice your faith in a way that aligns with your determination to be good parents and good people.
I would also ask her what she would like you to do about the bullying that is going on at school. If you report it to school authorities, will they support her and hold the boys accountable? Would it be helpful—or counterproductive—for you to contact the boys’ parents? Talk to her; make it clear that you’ve got her back.
I hope, by the way, that you have been supportive (and not just tolerant) of her championing the rights of others. Your daughter sounds like a great kid. What she deserves (ah, well, what every kid deserves—and if every kid got it, there might not be any bullies) is the full-throated, wholehearted support of her parents, always.
***
Recently, I was going through my 15-year-old daughter’s phone (I believe parents have the right to know what their kids are doing/seeing online), and I stumbled upon several Google searches on the topic of asexuality. I don’t know what to do with this information, and I’m concerned that my daughter thinks she is asexual. That would mean she’s been having sex and decided she didn’t like it, right? How else would she know? Should I confront her about it? I don’t want her to decide this about herself at 15 and then hold on to it forever, especially because I would like her to settle down and have kids someday. I’m worrying too much about nothing, right?
—Fifteen Is Too Young
Your teenager’s Googling “asexuality” does not (necessarily) mean she’s been having sex and disliked it and has found what she believes to be the explanation for that. (Indeed, this seems to me the least likely reason for her search.) I can think of lots of reasons she’s reading about asexuality online. Perhaps she’s wondering why she isn’t thinking about sex when her friends are. Or she may be trying to understand a friend—or even a celebrity, or an Instagram “celebrity”—who has come out as asexual. Or she heard someone mention it and she pretended to know what it meant and the internet is the only place she knows of to learn what it is—or to learn what anything is that she’s heard of but that hasn’t been talked about at home or in school. Or—yes—she may have figured out that she is asexual and doesn’t know where else to go but Google for more information.
But you most certainly should not “confront” her about it. If she is considering this possibility about herself—or has concluded that it’s true—it’s not for you to insist otherwise. If your relationship with her is one that offers her the opportunity to talk such things through with you, then she will, when she’s ready. If it isn’t, then she won’t (and forcing her to talk about it is not going to go well; most likely it will result only in efforts at secrecy that she hasn’t employed up to now). But your not wanting her to “decide this” about herself is, I’m afraid, irrelevant. She gets to figure out who she is without the permission of her parents. And if she does think she knows something about herself that changes later on (because she is still young, and her identity may still be in flux for some time), you are going to have to trust her to recognize change when/if it comes. Honestly, you have no choice about that. She is her own person.
Finally, that you would like her to “settle down and have kids someday” is something you are going to have to accept as your wish for her, which may or may not turn out to be her wish for herself. It’s hard to be the parent of a 15-year-old—I understand that. But now is exactly the right time for you to start accepting that what you want for her and what she wants—and who you want her to be and who she is—may be quite distinct. This is a process, but it’s a process every good parent must go through sooner or later.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/search-birth-parents-adoption-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
My 13-year-old daughter is a free spirit. She is the first one to stick up for the underdog (animal rights, women’s rights, Black Lives Matter, LGBTQ rights, etc.). Recently she has told us that she might like girls but she is not sure, and my husband and I have told her that no matter who she chooses to love, we will love and support her. The trouble is that because she has spoken openly about how she might be bisexual, she is being picked on at school by boys who used to like her. She does not shy away from who she is, but she is bothered by how she is being treated. We are a religious family and my daughter is being told by some of these boys that being gay is a sin and that she is not going to heaven, which makes her feel awful. I’m not sure how to help her! Is there anything I can do other than to tell her that she has our support?
—Confused Parent
Yes. You can tell her firmly that these boys are wrong—that being gay is not a sin, that it would not keep her out of heaven, and that as a religious family you are certain that God loves us all, no matter who we are or whom we love. And if the latter is not (yet) true, if you practice a faith that preaches otherwise, one important way to support your daughter—which goes well beyond telling her that she has your support—is to begin now to practice your faith in a way that aligns with your determination to be good parents and good people.
I would also ask her what she would like you to do about the bullying that is going on at school. If you report it to school authorities, will they support her and hold the boys accountable? Would it be helpful—or counterproductive—for you to contact the boys’ parents? Talk to her; make it clear that you’ve got her back.
I hope, by the way, that you have been supportive (and not just tolerant) of her championing the rights of others. Your daughter sounds like a great kid. What she deserves (ah, well, what every kid deserves—and if every kid got it, there might not be any bullies) is the full-throated, wholehearted support of her parents, always.
Recently, I was going through my 15-year-old daughter’s phone (I believe parents have the right to know what their kids are doing/seeing online), and I stumbled upon several Google searches on the topic of asexuality. I don’t know what to do with this information, and I’m concerned that my daughter thinks she is asexual. That would mean she’s been having sex and decided she didn’t like it, right? How else would she know? Should I confront her about it? I don’t want her to decide this about herself at 15 and then hold on to it forever, especially because I would like her to settle down and have kids someday. I’m worrying too much about nothing, right?
—Fifteen Is Too Young
Your teenager’s Googling “asexuality” does not (necessarily) mean she’s been having sex and disliked it and has found what she believes to be the explanation for that. (Indeed, this seems to me the least likely reason for her search.) I can think of lots of reasons she’s reading about asexuality online. Perhaps she’s wondering why she isn’t thinking about sex when her friends are. Or she may be trying to understand a friend—or even a celebrity, or an Instagram “celebrity”—who has come out as asexual. Or she heard someone mention it and she pretended to know what it meant and the internet is the only place she knows of to learn what it is—or to learn what anything is that she’s heard of but that hasn’t been talked about at home or in school. Or—yes—she may have figured out that she is asexual and doesn’t know where else to go but Google for more information.
But you most certainly should not “confront” her about it. If she is considering this possibility about herself—or has concluded that it’s true—it’s not for you to insist otherwise. If your relationship with her is one that offers her the opportunity to talk such things through with you, then she will, when she’s ready. If it isn’t, then she won’t (and forcing her to talk about it is not going to go well; most likely it will result only in efforts at secrecy that she hasn’t employed up to now). But your not wanting her to “decide this” about herself is, I’m afraid, irrelevant. She gets to figure out who she is without the permission of her parents. And if she does think she knows something about herself that changes later on (because she is still young, and her identity may still be in flux for some time), you are going to have to trust her to recognize change when/if it comes. Honestly, you have no choice about that. She is her own person.
Finally, that you would like her to “settle down and have kids someday” is something you are going to have to accept as your wish for her, which may or may not turn out to be her wish for herself. It’s hard to be the parent of a 15-year-old—I understand that. But now is exactly the right time for you to start accepting that what you want for her and what she wants—and who you want her to be and who she is—may be quite distinct. This is a process, but it’s a process every good parent must go through sooner or later.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/search-birth-parents-adoption-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
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2. LW2 may have the legal right to read their kid's internet history, but this hysterical reaction proves that they don't have the responsibility for this burden. Unless they have a solid reason to believe something is badly wrong - and this ain't it! - they need to stop snooping on their kid.
2a. God, I hope that Daughter cuts ties after college and never looks back. Everything about this letter just screams "This is only the behavior LW2 openly admits to...!" In fact, I hope LW2 ignores this advice and DOES confront Daughter about it, if only so Daughter can smarten up and start taking steps to protect her privacy.
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As I just said to my daughter (who is also screaming about this letter), if she was looking up "how to get birth control without parental consent," I'd guess that the daughter might be having sex or contemplating it -- but looking up "asexuality" likely means that she's wondering if she's a late bloomer, or if lack of attraction/sexual feelings means that she's "normal," if all her friends are getting crushes or talking about sex, or if she even just SAW THE TERM AND WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT MEANT, ffs.
I am also not in favor of parents going through their kids' possessions/internet history without actual reason for concern.
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100% agree! Once someone is 12 or so,
you shouldn't invade their privacy without LEGITIMATE concern that
a) they are at GENUINE risk from mental illness/self harm/suicide
b) they are at GENUINE risk from with sexual predators
c) they are at GENUINE risk from serious online bullying
d) they are at GENUINE risk from dangerous drug/alcohol use eg addiction/dependency
e) they are at GENUINE risk from an abusive family member
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I admit, things were a little easier in terms of keeping a half-eye on online safety when the family desktop computer was in the living room, rather than in a pocket (my daughter is 28), but I still respected her privacy and made sure she had access to safe/accurate avenues for curiosity and exploration (like Scarleteen), but we also had CONVERSATIONS and just normalized talking about this stuff and not making any of it a big forbidden topic.
Amusingly enough, given where I’m typing this, the fact that we’re both addicted to advice columns was REALLY HELPFUL — we could critique bad advice and discuss good advice and pick over the problems people posted, and discuss healthy ways of interacting, without it hitting super close to home in terms of pushing her privacy boundaries about her own feelings/relationships.
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Yo, likewise, but I suspect C&F wisely decided that LW would ignore any advice if they stated that openly.
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2. I can't even.
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Oh, huh, that's not how I read it at all! I read it as "our daughter is religious [and Christian, probably, given the way LW talks about heaven], and she's proud to be bisexual but it's scary to her when she's told bisexuality will send her to hell."
Even though the answers were, I thought, good, I would have specified that the parents could find a queer or allied religious leader from an open and affirming congregation of their denomination, if one exists, and have that person offer to start a conversation with daughter -- or with LW!
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Even though the answers were, I thought, good, I would have specified that the parents could find a queer or allied religious leader from an open and affirming congregation of their denomination, if one exists, and have that person offer to start a conversation with daughter -- or with LW!
I agree very strongly. That advice to "begin now to practice your faith in a way" that supports their more supportive intentions could mean joining a more affirming congregation (and may have been intended that way!) Or it could mean changing their home religious practice, while staying in their current congregation/youth group/Sunday school/day school despite its homophobia or "we aren't homophobic; we hate the sin and love the sinner."
No matter how much of a free spirit this girl might be, it will help her to find a supportive community. Support that is only within her family is good, but not enough.
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