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Two letters to Amy on sibling estrangement (or semi-estrangement)
Dear Amy: My brother and sister live very close to one another in our hometown.
Until recently, I lived in another state — 2,000 miles away. As siblings, we’ve always been very close.
I recently lost my husband, and after his death I decided to move back home.
My sister tells me that my brother talks behind my back, and my brother tells me that my sister talks behind my back.
This is grade school garbage.
I love them both and I don’t know who to believe.
They no longer talk to one another, and I feel like I’m in the middle.
They can’t even be in the same room together. I don’t know what to do.
Please help!
– Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: Your experience reminds me of being trapped between my two (occasionally) warring sisters in the back of our mother’s Plymouth Duster.
It was an occasionally tough experience, but great training for two professions: Line judge at Wimbledon, or what I do now, which is listening, watching, and – when invited — weighing in.
Start with this: Do not believe either sibling’s account of the other sibling’s behavior.
For instance, if they aren’t talking to one another, then how do they know that the other sibling is trash-talking you behind your back?
You have the right to draw and enforce boundaries. If you don’t mind listening sympathetically to one sibling vent about the other, then go ahead and passively engage. Understand, however, that these two may use your allegiance as a spoil in their private war, which will affect your ability to have a relationship with either one.
You do not need to mediate or solve anything for them. You DO need to tell the truth to both about how their behavior makes you feel: “I moved across the continent to be closer to you both. I hope you will find a way to mend fences, because life is short, and I will not choose between you. Currently, however, I find you both very annoying.”
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2495585?fs
****
Dear Amy: My brother and I were very close growing up. We maintained a good relationship into our 20s. Lately our relationship has become strained.
For his last two birthdays, I have generously treated him to fun and thoughtful experiences. I do this because I love him, and I enjoy being generous.
For my last two birthdays, he did not even wish me a happy birthday. He did however show up to my birthday dinner and usurp my spot at the table because he "did not want to sit next to the old people" in our family.
I have reached out to him many times. He never responds.
I believe he either does not want a relationship with me, or this is his way of having a relationship with me.
Last weekend I was having supper with our father at dad's apartment, and he intruded in the middle of our meal and conversation without so much as saying hello.
My therapist advised me to call him out for his disrespect (when I catch him in the act), and set boundaries.
I am thinking about telling my brother that I do not want him coming over to visit our dad while I am there.
I do not want to be steamrolled by his condescending, disrespectful, and entitled behavior, but I also do not want to reach a point where I might get physical with him.
He is my brother and I love him, but I do not like him, and do not want to tolerate his disrespect.
What do you suggest I do?
– Disrespected
Dear Disrespected: You are seeking your brother’s respect, and you have the right to receive it.
Your therapist has provided very sound, practical advice.
However, you seem to be delaying the hard but ultimately satisfying work of building and enforcing boundaries, by seeking a second opinion.
I agree completely with your therapist.
I’ll add that the person who sets boundaries also has to respect them.
You do not have the right to control who enters your father’s apartment. It is your dad’s home, and these are boundaries HE — not you —will have to create and enforce.
So yes, be specific about the behavior that bothers you, and stay in the moment (don’t launch into an encyclopedic recitation of previous slings and arrows). You might want to explore ways to back away from your intense involvement; a subtle change can help to create more balance in this very challenging dynamic.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2496084?fs
Until recently, I lived in another state — 2,000 miles away. As siblings, we’ve always been very close.
I recently lost my husband, and after his death I decided to move back home.
My sister tells me that my brother talks behind my back, and my brother tells me that my sister talks behind my back.
This is grade school garbage.
I love them both and I don’t know who to believe.
They no longer talk to one another, and I feel like I’m in the middle.
They can’t even be in the same room together. I don’t know what to do.
Please help!
– Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: Your experience reminds me of being trapped between my two (occasionally) warring sisters in the back of our mother’s Plymouth Duster.
It was an occasionally tough experience, but great training for two professions: Line judge at Wimbledon, or what I do now, which is listening, watching, and – when invited — weighing in.
Start with this: Do not believe either sibling’s account of the other sibling’s behavior.
For instance, if they aren’t talking to one another, then how do they know that the other sibling is trash-talking you behind your back?
You have the right to draw and enforce boundaries. If you don’t mind listening sympathetically to one sibling vent about the other, then go ahead and passively engage. Understand, however, that these two may use your allegiance as a spoil in their private war, which will affect your ability to have a relationship with either one.
You do not need to mediate or solve anything for them. You DO need to tell the truth to both about how their behavior makes you feel: “I moved across the continent to be closer to you both. I hope you will find a way to mend fences, because life is short, and I will not choose between you. Currently, however, I find you both very annoying.”
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2495585?fs
Dear Amy: My brother and I were very close growing up. We maintained a good relationship into our 20s. Lately our relationship has become strained.
For his last two birthdays, I have generously treated him to fun and thoughtful experiences. I do this because I love him, and I enjoy being generous.
For my last two birthdays, he did not even wish me a happy birthday. He did however show up to my birthday dinner and usurp my spot at the table because he "did not want to sit next to the old people" in our family.
I have reached out to him many times. He never responds.
I believe he either does not want a relationship with me, or this is his way of having a relationship with me.
Last weekend I was having supper with our father at dad's apartment, and he intruded in the middle of our meal and conversation without so much as saying hello.
My therapist advised me to call him out for his disrespect (when I catch him in the act), and set boundaries.
I am thinking about telling my brother that I do not want him coming over to visit our dad while I am there.
I do not want to be steamrolled by his condescending, disrespectful, and entitled behavior, but I also do not want to reach a point where I might get physical with him.
He is my brother and I love him, but I do not like him, and do not want to tolerate his disrespect.
What do you suggest I do?
– Disrespected
Dear Disrespected: You are seeking your brother’s respect, and you have the right to receive it.
Your therapist has provided very sound, practical advice.
However, you seem to be delaying the hard but ultimately satisfying work of building and enforcing boundaries, by seeking a second opinion.
I agree completely with your therapist.
I’ll add that the person who sets boundaries also has to respect them.
You do not have the right to control who enters your father’s apartment. It is your dad’s home, and these are boundaries HE — not you —will have to create and enforce.
So yes, be specific about the behavior that bothers you, and stay in the moment (don’t launch into an encyclopedic recitation of previous slings and arrows). You might want to explore ways to back away from your intense involvement; a subtle change can help to create more balance in this very challenging dynamic.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2496084?fs
no subject
So, as for the first one, I don't know how exactly they went from being a close-knit trio to two of the three siblings sniping at each other and trying to force the third to cut ties, and I wonder if maybe they never were as close as LW assumes.
At any rate, LW is not "stuck" in the middle, LW has chosen to allow their siblings to put them in the middle and to stay there. What LW should do if they want this to stop is tell each sibling directly that they have no intention of engaging in any more gossip about anybody, especially family. And then stick with it. Everybody's an adult here! They all can just hang up the phone.
(LW's siblings are probably both talking about LW behind their back, btw, because they're certainly talking about each other that way!)
As for the second letter, it's amazing how LW2 dances around why, exactly, Brother has mysteriously started acting like a douche. You'd think that anybody would say "I have no idea why my brother has started doing this!" so either this letter was incompetently edited by Amy or, equally likely, LW2 knows perfectly well what they did to piss him off.
Not that Brother's behavior sounds okay... but frankly, neither does LW's, just from the quoted text. You can't reasonably tell your brother not to visit your father when you might be there.
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I have a lot of questions about whether Brother also considers these experiences "fun" and "thoughtful." Any time someone uses "generous" twice in a sentence to describe their own actions without spending a word on how the recipient reacted, my eyebrows go up.
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I do not blame the person who gave it to me (much), but I ended up re-gifting it.
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I recently made the decision to go low contact with my siblings. After years of borderline abusive behavior under the guise of "teasing," and shit like sending nasty conservative memes on the group text we use to communicate about our mother, not to mention just little to no effort to have a relationship with me, my spouse, or my daughter, a particularly nasty set of texts had me ready to just write them off for anything not to do with my mother. Things have been kind of in flux since then, but I am still not particularly inclined to attend any gathering that includes my sister.
So, I'm sort of inclined to take LW's version of events. But upon re-reading the letter, there were a few red flags, particularly the whole "I have generously treated him to fun and thoughtful experiences" and "I also do not want to reach a point where I might get physical with him." The former gives me a "I did something I thought was awesome without really thinking about whether he would like it," and the second is just alarming. Also, I'm sort of wondering why LW keeps reaching out when they don't enjoy their brother's company, but, well, kinda been there.
In any event, I think LW, and brother, might be well-served by a drastic limit in time together. At the very least, LW needs to stop trying to force a relationship. As for dad's time, well, if and when Covid is no longer a factor, it might be worth going out to a restaurant with dad instead of visiting in his home.
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* Letting Dad know that they and brother are not getting along and need some space, and LW2 would prefer that they and brother not be there at the same time
* Being prepared to leave if brother shows up uninvited
* Proposing outings to Dad that brother is less likely to show up for
And consider the possibility that your father is deliberately trying to make his children get along by engineering the meetings.