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agonyaunt2021-02-08 11:05 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-02-08 11:05 am
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Dear Prudence: PArtner and I are arguing over COVID precautions.
My partner works in the medical field and has been vaccinated for COVID. For the past year, he’s been the one driving the COVID caution in our home. I skipped my family’s Thanksgiving, have bowed out of all friend gatherings (outside or otherwise), and stopped going to the gym—and it’s been this way since March, regardless of our state’s fairly strict COVID guidelines, per my partner’s recommendation and pressure. The guidelines are now loosening as COVID cases decrease. My partner continues to guilt me when I mention wanting to meet up with a friend or drive an hour away to see my brother. Things have devolved to the point of weekly fighting over COVID guidelines. I’m resentful that I won’t get the vaccine for at least five more months (I am low-risk, so I’m at the back of the line), which my partner interprets as lack of respect for his front-line health work. I’m sick of fighting over this and resenting my partner for controlling me. It’s caused a real rift in our relationship. How can we reach a compromise that makes both of us happy—or at least able to get through a week without fighting over this?
—Restriction Resentment
This is part of the challenge of using subjective language like “strict” about public health protocols, I fear! You’re not personally to blame for inconsistent or incomplete state regulations, nor do I fault you for wanting to see your friends and relatives nearly a year into the pandemic. However, your question is difficult to answer without more context on the specifics of the situations and what you’ve discussed with your partner. When you tell your partner that you want to meet up with a friend or your brother, what are the conditions of that meeting? Are you proposing an outdoor meeting? Will others be present? Will you both be masked or unmasked? How many people does that friend regularly come into unmasked contact with, and have you two had conversations about your relative risk levels?
These are reasonable questions for you and your partner to discuss, but it’s also reasonable for you to feel frustrated by them, simply because this last year has not been a reasonable one for anybody. One recurring argument among countless couples, roommates, families, and friend groups this past year has been a mismatch of COVID comfort levels and expectations, and as a general rule, the default should be toward the most cautious person. However, if your partner is trying to control your every movement, making you feel guilty for experiencing loneliness, or treating every possible masked outdoor walk with a friend like you’re planning a rave in your basement, that’s cause for concern, too.
If building in an automatic “negotiation conversation” about potential future visits doesn’t help, and you’re feeling punished or ostracized by your partner’s response, I’d encourage you to call in a couples counselor, and maybe ask a few friends for support and guidance, so you don’t feel like you’re alone in trying to navigate this conflict. It’s one thing to honestly disagree about risk management best practices and express frustration, but that doesn’t mean your partner is justified in trying to control or guilt you at every turn. Good luck—I hope you can both be patient with yourselves and each other.
—Restriction Resentment
This is part of the challenge of using subjective language like “strict” about public health protocols, I fear! You’re not personally to blame for inconsistent or incomplete state regulations, nor do I fault you for wanting to see your friends and relatives nearly a year into the pandemic. However, your question is difficult to answer without more context on the specifics of the situations and what you’ve discussed with your partner. When you tell your partner that you want to meet up with a friend or your brother, what are the conditions of that meeting? Are you proposing an outdoor meeting? Will others be present? Will you both be masked or unmasked? How many people does that friend regularly come into unmasked contact with, and have you two had conversations about your relative risk levels?
These are reasonable questions for you and your partner to discuss, but it’s also reasonable for you to feel frustrated by them, simply because this last year has not been a reasonable one for anybody. One recurring argument among countless couples, roommates, families, and friend groups this past year has been a mismatch of COVID comfort levels and expectations, and as a general rule, the default should be toward the most cautious person. However, if your partner is trying to control your every movement, making you feel guilty for experiencing loneliness, or treating every possible masked outdoor walk with a friend like you’re planning a rave in your basement, that’s cause for concern, too.
If building in an automatic “negotiation conversation” about potential future visits doesn’t help, and you’re feeling punished or ostracized by your partner’s response, I’d encourage you to call in a couples counselor, and maybe ask a few friends for support and guidance, so you don’t feel like you’re alone in trying to navigate this conflict. It’s one thing to honestly disagree about risk management best practices and express frustration, but that doesn’t mean your partner is justified in trying to control or guilt you at every turn. Good luck—I hope you can both be patient with yourselves and each other.
no subject
ooh, well said, both of you!