Dear Abby: Mom back in the dating scene worries LW

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My mom recently separated from her husband. They're in the process of getting divorced, and she is already talking to another man. She has known him since high school, but they only recently reconnected again.

Last night they finally decided to go out. She says they're "just friends," but she got home at 5:30 a.m., wasted. She woke me 30 minutes before work, then passed out in my bed. I think she's moving way too fast. She isn't a teenager anymore, let alone divorced. Am I wrong for being upset with her? Or should I support her? Help! -- EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I don't know how old your mother is or how long she has been married to the man she's divorcing, but if she has been out of the dating scene for any length of time, you need to talk calmly with her and not appear judgmental.

I'm concerned because she may have had unprotected sexual contact with a person she hasn't seen since high school, and a lot could have happened in his life since then. She should not be intimate with ANYONE unless she knows his sexual history and that he can't give her an STD.

Sometimes older adults forget that the same rules that apply to younger adults apply to them, too. So rather than judge your mother, do discuss this with her without letting it degenerate into an argument. If you approach it this way, she may listen.

Comments

[cereta]

I'm just posting this because I'm kind of stunned that Abby didn't recommend AA or Al-anon. Usually she does that at the slightest whiff of alcohol.

(Note: I don't think Mom needs AA, or even has a drinking problem except maybe a poor awareness of her own tolerance, at least not based on the letter. But usually, Abby can't recommend it fast enough.)

[redbird]

The "hasn't seen him since high school" is a red herring here: if she'd been seeing him at random social events over the years since then, she still wouldn't "know his sexual history and that he can't give her an STD," because people don't share their entire sexual history in that sort of casual social situation.

But I can't quite see Abby going from "you don't know this guy's history since high school" to "don't have unprotected sex with anyone unless you've seen recent STD test results. Also, if you haven't been tested recently, your potential partners should assume you could give them an STD."

If I were advising the LW, I would also tell them "if you sit her down and have a talk like this, you're giving her implicit permission to ask about who you're having sex with, and their STD status, at least as long as you're living with her."

[xenacryst]

OMGWTFBBQSEX.

If she wants to get it on with whomever, more power to her. I'd be a little more concerned that she spent the night out without warning or checking in with her ... how old is the kid, anyway? And is there any indication that this is a pattern of lack of self control? Which is to say, she's got a certain amount of social obligation to the part of the family she's not currently divorcing and still living with, and last night she ditched that - was that a fluke that just needs a "hey, you ok?" "yeah, sorry", or something that you need to get all family awkward about? Sex and alcohol are BOTH rather beside the point.

[cereta]

Based on the sentence about Mom waking him/her up for "work" rather than "school," I would assume that the kid is at least 16 and probably older, but that's just a guess.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, that's how I was reading it, but then wondered whose work...