Carolyn Hax: Her sister-in-law has the starring role in a mean group chat

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: My husband's friend informed us that 16 of my husband's female relatives and friends, led by my sister-in-law, have an active group chat devoted to how awful I am. I don't share any of their family's hobbies, religion or physical characteristics. Apparently, they've been trading cruel memes about these perceived faults for the past year and a half. My face was Photoshopped onto the Grinch's body.

My husband and I are their age, but while they are all wealthy, well-educated, married homeowners with children, we are childless renters in graduate school. My sister-in-law has significantly more social capital than my husband.

My husband has stood up for me with his family and friends. He agrees his sister's behavior — and the behavior of the others in this group — is unkind.

It feels like I'm being bullied, but nothing has been said directly to me. How should I respond to this, if at all? I know this has been a stressful year. Should I try to not be offended and view this as something that has morphed into their escape from pandemic parenting? Am I being overly sensitive?

— R.

R.: Oh my no. If anything, you are underly sensitive and overly kind. But I’m loath to discourage such a beautiful impulse: You’ve found a way to put a sympathetic spin on 18 months of group cruelty, and, wow, that just highlights how awful they are, and how wrong they are about you.

Please know you’re free to have nothing to do with these people ever again. That would be tough on your husband, yes, but nowhere near as tough as his bullying sister has been on you. It’s not even close. Plus, he owes you that sacrifice.

A kindness you can offer in return is your blessing for him to remain connected to them — in ways that minimize the emotional cost to you.

But there’s another thing you can do that would give you enormous badass capital: Calmly, without flinching, say to your sister-in-law: “I hear I’m the subject of a group chat. If true, then I hope you’ll have the courtesy to tell me what I’ve done to deserve that.”

I am not as generous as you are, so I would pay real money to watch her squirm. The payoff for you, though, would be the knowledge that you had the strength to do what she’s too craven to: express your concerns to a person’s face.

I’m sorry you’re in this position.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-her-sister-in-law-has-the-starring-role-in-a-mean-girls-group-chat/2021/01/28/0e29627a-5cde-11eb-8bcf-3877871c819d_story.html

Comments

[conuly]

I wouldn't want to spend any time with people who treated my spouse this badly, and would seriously raise an eyebrow if LW's husband wants to continue to have more than perfunctory communication with all these relatives. Who does this!?

[harpers_child]

What the fuck. Sixteen people? And it took eighteen months for someone to say something? And supposedly some of these people are friends with you?

Run, LW. Run and don't look back. Cut them all out of your life.

If I found out someone was doing this to my spouse I'd raise holy hell. I hope your husband cuts them all off too.

[sara]

Thiiiiiiiiiiiis, OMG.

[conuly]

It's possible that her LW's friend who told them only recently found out about it.

I will also raise the faint possibility that this friend is lying. I don't think that's very likely - I think LW and Husband would know by now that "Friend" is the sort of person to make up spiteful stories like this - but I suppose it's dimly *possible*.

[harpers_child]

Something in LW's phrasing makes me think this is just the latest in a long line horrible treatment.

[melannen]

It's possible none of them except SIL actually know her or are very close with husband. Like, it could be SIL, SIL's sisters in law and mother in law, a few cousins wife has only met once, and SIL's high school friends who knew husband in passing, or something like that.

It's still super shitty, especially given the specific things they are apparently criticizing her for, but the most sympathetic possible reading is that sis-in-law was deliberately trying to vent her frustration in a way that *wasn't* going to interfere with LW's relationships. Still shitty, and you probably don't want to get any closer to people who would choose to be in that groupchat, but shitty in a different way than if it's husband's mom, sister and best friend, in which case, drop them all like a hot potato immediately.

[delight]

I am not as generous as you are, so I would pay real money to watch her squirm. The payoff for you, though, would be the knowledge that you had the strength to do what she’s too craven to: express your concerns to a person’s face.

This is what I did when I found out I was the victim of something similar, but since it was just high school bullshit, it wasn't anywhere near as satisfying. Because it was teenagers acting like shitty teenagers, and not whole-ass adults acting like shitty teenagers.

I would absolutely do it again every time though, and then never have anything to do with these people ever again. I hope the friend who told them only recently learned about it and GTFO'd of that group chat as soon as they were added (or however else they found out).

[jadelennox]

Maybe I'm overreading but I see

I don't share any of their family's [...] religion

and

My face was Photoshopped onto the Grinch's body.

as "they are Christian, I am not Christian, and they have been complete assholes since they learned I don't celebrate Christmas."

In which case, yeet them into the sun.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, those lines flashed red in my ex-Christian eyes.

[laurajv]

the "physical characteristics" bit also makes me suspect that the LW is a different race than her in-laws, and not thin enough for their taste.

[azurelunatic]

That also struck me as a possibility.