Prudie: "My sister’s in my COVID pod—and I’m starting to hate her"

[colorwheel]

Q. My sister’s in my COVID pod—and I’m starting to hate her: My sister’s family and mine formed a COVID pod back in March. We have four kids between us, all of whom got along well and are similar in age. We shared similar views on COVID safety and we live 10 minutes away, so creating a COVID pod seemed like a no-brainer.

Well, fast-forward 10 months, and I’m starting to hate my sister. Her latent anxiety and self-centeredness have really hit an all-time high. We wind up sniping at each other while our kids play in the yard. In a non-COVID time, I’d just scale back on our time together and let our kids go to someone else’s house. But I don’t feel comfortable interacting with other families (we live in a city full of people not taking COVID seriously) and I don’t want my kids to lose their only social outlet. I worry that if I let this keep going, we’ll say things to each other that we can’t take back. What should I do?

A: I wonder if you two can treat the sniping and the general resentment-through-cabin-fever as a totally understandable symptom of being cooped up together almost every day, rather than a terrible and shocking development you can’t acknowledge without permanent estrangement. “I don’t want to fight like this, and I don’t think you do either. I think it would help us both to structure some alone time while the kids are playing, so that when we do talk our nerves aren’t quite so jangled.” You could bring some headphones and listen to an audiobook or music during some of these play dates, saving more in-depth conversations for once or twice a week. That way, the kids can still see one another and burn off some energy, but you won’t continue to feel obligated to socialize every time the kids do.

Comments

[colorwheel]

i like the first part: I wonder if you two can treat the sniping and the general resentment-through-cabin-fever as a totally understandable symptom of being cooped up together almost every day, rather than a terrible and shocking development you can’t acknowledge without permanent estrangement.

but i'm mainly posting this because i have a burning need to add another idea: propose to your sister that you trade drop-off kid dates sometimes! you live ten minutes away and it sounds like the kids are mostly playing by themselves; it doesn't sound like you've got four toddlers between you. if she's open to it, you'd each get some time ALONE-alone rather than headphones-alone, for errands or a walk or even going home in between. headphones-alone is the only option in many, many pandemic scenarios; alone-alone is priceless if it can be had, and it sounds like here maybe it could, and might diffuse the sibling tension.

[kelly_holden]

yeah, that's where my thoughts went when I read it. You probably don't both need to be there every time.

[mommy]

That's the solution I'd go for. Watching over four kids is doable for one person when the kids are out playing in the yard.

[shirou]

Even in pre-covid times, I was thrilled when my son reached the age where he and his friends were comfortable being dropped off. What a lifesaver.

[torachan]

Seriously. Give the kids some time to play alone without their moms watching them the whole time, too.

[conuly]

Agreed.

[ingridmatthews]

Frankly, I think this is good advice.

[xenacryst]

Mostly good advice, but I'd phrase the opening of the proposition more like a request for brainstorming rather than "I have the answer," as I've found that's a better way to head off emotional defensiveness. Asking someone to help come up with a solution to a problem tends to quickly get them past the defensiveness that comes with even stating there's a problem to begin with, where saying you've got the solution tends to compound it.

"I've noticed we tend to get on each other's nerves more when we've been having these play dates - do you feel that way, too? I don't want to keep sniping, so I'm wondering what we might be able to do to get us the space we need."