Daughter Dishes Out Criticism but Can't Take It From Mom

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: Recently, I kindly and lovingly gave my daughter some feedback on how she berates her husband in front of my 8-year-old grandson. I told her I didn't want him to grow up thinking that's how we treat the people we love. To make a long story short, she said that if I wanted to estrange myself from her, I had succeeded. I remained calm and loving and told her she could use the feedback if it was helpful, or ignore it if it wasn't. She has now blocked me!

My daughter has had no compunction over the years about informing me about my shortcomings, but went into a rage when I spoke about her behavior. Although it breaks my heart that my daughter has cut me out of her life, my real concern is losing contact with my grandson. Fortunately, my son-in-law is still relaying messages to him, but what about when I want to visit my grandson? I have always stayed with my daughter and her family. -- HEARTBROKEN IN ANOTHER STATE

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You may have hit the nail on the head, but you must have also struck a nerve for your daughter to have reacted so strongly. Staying with her may be off the table until she cools off, but visits with your grandson may still be possible if her husband can arrange it. Not knowing your son-in-law, I can only guess that it may be just a matter of time until he tires of your daughter's verbal abuse and exits the marriage, but if they separate, it may make access to your grandchild easier for you.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/11/25/0/daughter-dishes-out-criticism-but-cant#disqus-comments

Comments

[conuly]

Those comments... most people come down tentatively on Daughter's side, but there's a few spewing toxic garbage about how grandparents shouldn't get attached to grandkids because parents will always use that to hurt the grandparents - which, listen, if you believe that then this is because you were a terrible parent and a horrible person and you've decided your estrangement can't be your fault and must be universal.

Anyway, LW is definitely painting herself in the best light. It's clear, at the very least, that she corrects her daughter all the time over the pettiest of things. It's not clear whether or not her daughter was actually berating her husband, or whether or not she does that habitually, but I hope Daughter and Son-in-Law get couples counseling soon, because LW is trying to break up their marriage and will likely succeed if all this secret-keeping and sneaking around keeps up.

[conuly]

Also, Abby's advice is awful. WTF.

[minoanmiss]

Usually in these stories I wish the husband would do more but in this one I don't think his actions are wise. For one thing he's playing into LW's marriage-wrecking manipulations, as you pointed out. For another .... I keep my parents away from my Little Roommates because Fundie Christianity, and I'd be LIVID if an adult in my life took it upon themselves to relay messages for whatever philosophical reason about love and elders and bla bla bla.

[conuly]

And rightly so! People who are estranged from their parents usually have a good reason, and if they don't it's still generally best to assume they do.

[jamoche]

" I kindly and lovingly gave my daughter some feedback"

I've seen too many people come to AITA looking for validation for being totally TA and using phrasing like that to put any faith in how "kind" or "loving" it was. Show us some actual examples, even paraphrased, and let us decide for ourselves whether you're "loving" or passive-aggressivly pushing someone until they snap.

[conuly]

Agreed.

[angelofthenorth]

This is the problem with Abby letters - they're too short and too edited, and it's always possible that the example you seek was in the original letter but not included for brevity.

[oursin]

I wonder what the husband was actually doing, and whether 'berating' is merely a pejorative term for wife objecting to something husband does, very likely with reason, in front of child, instead of behaving with 1950s meekness?

[pensnest]

Hmmmmm. In theory, yes, feedback on not treating other people badly+setting a bad model for your kid, is fine. However there is something about the tone of this letter writer that gives me the icks.

[cereta]

Sample script from one of my visits home:

Me: Comments mildly on something that annoys me.

My mother, every damn time: "You just can't let stuff like that bother you."

Me, after 10 iterations: "Why are you letting my comments bother you, then?"

My mother: "Well, I just can't say anything to you."

Which is to say, I kind of doubt the LW's assertion, or even perception, that she doesn't criticize her daughter all the damn time. And yeah, these shenanigans with the SiL are not going to end well for anyone, and Abby's advice is tantamount to a blessing to break up the marriage.