minoanmiss: Minoan women talking amongst themselves (Ladies Chatting)
minoanmiss ([personal profile] minoanmiss) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2020-10-15 12:25 pm

Dear Prudence: My Partner Thinks I’m a Monster for Getting My Building’s Maintenance Workers Fired

All I did was speak up about an issue that affected me.

I live in a huge apartment complex with about 500 tenants. I happen to live on the back side of the complex, with a window facing the Dumpster in the alleyway. Many of the maintenance workers hang out in that alley when they’re not working. I’ve been working from home for six months now, meaning I spend way more time overhearing their conversations than I used to. They probably spend three to four hours a day just shooting the breeze. They laugh loudly, speak at a way higher volume than necessary, and tell an endless number of sexist jokes in Spanish (I speak Spanish fluently so I can understand every word). I hate having to listen to sexist vitriol for literally hours every day. I’ve tried headphones and a white noise machine but neither block out the sound.

I finally gave up and emailed management. Three of the guys were fired. They have been replaced with workers who spend significantly less time joking and hanging out in the back alley. I view this as a win: I don’t have to be subjected to this for hours every day, and the guys learned a valuable lesson about not going on sexist rants at work. My partner, on the other hand, is angry at me. They say I should’ve just talked to the men myself (which seems naïve, considering they clearly hate women) or, in my email to the complex, asked for the men not to be fired. I disagree. All I did was speak up about an issue that affected me—it’s not my responsibility how the complex chooses to handle it. My partner is basically saying I’m a monster for getting blue-collar workers fired. We cannot seem to move past this issue. Did I do the right thing? What can I do now to get my partner and I past this difference of opinion?


—Not Sorry They’re Gone


I’m not sure getting past this disagreement is the most important objective here. You two feel quite strongly about a serious difference in priorities, values, and objectives, and I don’t think you should rush to gloss over those differences in order to keep the peace. Your concern about being ignored or demeaned had you approached these men telling sexist jokes strikes me as legitimate, although I also take your partner’s point that you likely had more options in between wearing headphones and emailing their employer. To that end, I can’t agree that you had nothing to do with how the complex chose to handle your complaint. You’re not directly responsible for management’s decision to fire them, and your partner’s belief that ending your email with something like, “Hey, don’t fire these guys” seems comically naïve, but you cannot deny that your email and their firing are linked.

But I can’t simply make a ruling over whether you did the “right” thing. You don’t seem to regret what you did, so don’t pretend you do in order to placate your partner, nor should you pretend you’re not relieved they got fired by acting as if you had nothing to do with their getting fired in the first place. You did have something to do with it! Your partner seems to disagree with a choice you made, not with the type of person that you are, and that’s worth discussing more. Continue to have a conversation with your partner, with a couples counselor if you think that’s useful, as honestly and as carefully as you can, neither minimizing nor exaggerating each other’s position in order to score points, with an eye toward envisioning a possible future together. Good luck.
lemonsharks: (Default)

(frozen comment)

[personal profile] lemonsharks 2020-10-18 10:07 pm (UTC)(link)
It means that I can't reply to lilysea about this in manner befitting an adult.

To answer *you*, however: The janitorial staff speaking spanish, not english, indicated they had an expectation of privacy. LW was never intended to have understood their jokes.

Further, she included unnecessary information in her report (standing around not-working, something that literally everyone who can do, does) which is what ultimately caused the janitorial staff to be fired. She could have taken any number of actions including only asking the management company to remind them that *other people in the building speak spanish*.

The LW *chose to get them fired* rather than let them know that they were attracting attention, citing "fear" because they "obviously hate women" rather than oh I don't know move her desk or close the window.

Not because of potential contagion. Specifically because they "obviously hate women".

Anyway, *I* think LW is a terrible person and if she was *my* partner, *I* would be breaking up with her.

And that's about as good as I can do with speaking in a non-aggressive manner.

Actually, one more thing: anyone speaking for the LW who has personally experienced anti-latino racism or watched a loved one experience it for a protracted period of time, is welcome to explain why they think the LW is doing anything other than swatting a fly with a tactical nuke.

I challenge non-BIPOC and non-Latine people in particular, to sit back and think about why they're so very invested in the LW being in the right here. Privately. Without replying to me about it. Because my Latina-self is so freakin done with this.
Edited (Now with more racism) 2020-10-18 22:15 (UTC)