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Ask a Manager: I’ve been accidentally dating my boss’s husband
A reader writes:
I’ve been accidentally dating my new boss’ husband, and I don’t know what to do.
I landed my dream job at my dream company. My boss is usually supportive and competent. My only issue is that she’s made some homophobic comments (I’m a gay man), but this is a conservative area and I’m not out at work It’s not a big deal for me personally because I’ve dealt with this kind of comments at every job I’ve ever had and honestly, she’s not as bad as many of the people I’ve dealt with.
I also recently started a relationship with a guy. We were keeping it quiet because I’m not out and he told me he isn’t either, but I really liked him and he was smart and funny and everything I’m into. It wasn’t just sex; we were dating for six weeks.
I might have gone on like this for some time, except there was a work party to which it was okay to bring a plus one, and my boss brought her husband, who turned out to be the man I was dating. Needless to say I broke it off with him ASAP, but I’m not sure if I should tell my boss. On the one hand, it’s going to look very bad (compounded by me being gay, and I don’t know that I’d be comfortable outing him) if I confess now, but on the other hand, if she finds out later the fall-out might be even worse.
I feel like I’m not thinking clearly because I’m still very pissed at him but still not over him, and I don’t know what to do. Help me, please?
Response:
Oh noooo. What an awful situation — and not one of your making at all.
So much of this hinges on whether she knows her husband dates men. Given her homophobic comments, I’m guessing she doesn’t know he’s gay or bisexual and this isn’t a situation where he has her blessing to date men on the side. Which means that he probably didn’t go home from that work party and announce, “Guess what, funny coincidence…”
And if those assumptions are correct — she doesn’t know he’s interested in men and she doesn’t know he sees other people — then I’d guess that the chances of her hearing about this from him are pretty low. That’s a huge assumption, obviously, and it doesn’t mean it won’t come out in the future, especially if he decides to come out to her at some point and wants to come clean about everything.
On the other hand, if you tell her now, you’re not only outing her husband, but there’s the risk she’ll have a spectacularly bad reaction.
Or not! Who knows, maybe she’d be remarkably mature about it, thank you for telling her, and go on working well with you for years to come. Maybe she’d be logical enough to see that you didn’t do anything wrong here, and there’s nothing for her to hold against you.
But a lot of people don’t respond that way.
There’s no good answer here! It’s a really horrible situation. You’re left having to weigh the risk of her having a bad reaction now (which could be fairly high) against the risk of her finding out later (which might be fairly low).
If she does find out later, I don’t think you’ll have made things significantly worse by not speaking up now (especially since you did break things off once you knew). If it’s going to be a crapshow if she finds out, that’s likely the case whether it’s now or later. So that might point you toward saying nothing, figuring their marriage is none of your business, and trying to wipe it from your mind … which has the additional benefit of not outing someone who may not be out.
I think my advice would be basically the same if you were a woman who had inadvertently dated her boss’s husband, although in that situation I’d be more inclined to think about you seeking protection from your company (by telling someone what happened and your fears of repercussions). I’m less inclined to suggest that here because you don’t have the same federal protections (and in some states could even be fired for being gay) and it sounds like you might be in a fairly homophobic area.
I hate to say it, but the best thing you can do here is to find a way to stop working for her. Is your company large enough that changing jobs internally is a possibility? If so, that’s where I’d focus — that would give you some protection and peace of mind that none of the other options do.
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This would be a tenth instance. It would be a tenth instance if LW were a woman. Add in the boss's (and likely the company's) homophobia, and it's one great big giant exception. I still don't like that boss's husband is cheating on her, and if I can understand the kind of social pressures and internalized homophobia that might lead to his choices, I'm still not particularly cool with how he's dealing with those issues.
But it's not just the husband, and the problems of outing him in a homophobic culture, at play here. There's the LW outing himself in a homophobic culture, and in the worst possible way. I definitely agree that LW should start looking for any way to get out from under this person's supervision, and keep his head down in the meantime.
Ugh, people.
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I'm with you, I am absolutely, 9 times out of 10, tell the person.
This one? GIANT RED FLAG NOPE. Do not tell anyone, get out from under this person's supervision, get tested (just in case, I mean, the boss's husband could be squeaky clean protection everywhere kind of person and I'd still get tested because one lie could be more lies), and ..... well, not the slightly joking drink to forget but definitely don't be more than polite and civil to the person if you see them out in the public.
Oooo boy, what an awful mess to be in.
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As a bisexual, my calculation was: okay, am I well-liked enough in this situation that, if I come out, they will also cease their homophobia in front of me? Because it's getting tiresome. The alternative was that I would not be well-liked or respected, and I would share the sort of harassment that the mostly masc-presenting intersex team member was being subjected to.
I would not bet on remaining well-liked, if you have been dating the boss's husband...
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