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Dear Annie: I love my wife. We've been married for 11 years, but recently, she hasn't been taking my side with anything involving our 14-year-old son. She tells me that I am overreacting or being stubborn. OK, I know I can be stubborn, but I firmly believe a child should show respect to his parents. Right now, my problem is that I can't do a thing in my own house without asking permission from the 14-year-old.
Say someone calls and he asks me, "Who are you talking to?" Or, if I go outside, he asks, "Where are you going?" When I tell him that I'm the adult, that I don't answer to him, he replies that his mother gets onto me for getting onto him, so I just need to tell him everything. And if I get onto him and yell because I've told him over and over not to do something, then I'm the bad guy because I lost my temper.
I'm just tired of being ignored and disrespected all the time. Anyway, I try to talk to my wife about showing a united front in front of our son, but since he isn't biologically mine -- I just adopted him -- she tells me that she won't because I'm wrong all the time. What should I do? -- Frustrated and Tired Dad and Husband
Dear Frustrated and Tired: Trying to speak with your wife and show a united front is a great idea. Her dismissing you and saying that you are wrong all the time is not the best way to communicate. At this point, you might have to seek the help of a professional family counselor. It is important for your 14-year-old son to learn to respect you and your wife. It will serve him well in life.
If you don't teach your son proper manners and respect for you, his parent, he will sadly have to learn that lesson in the real world. Being disrespectful to a teacher or a boss can have serious life consequences. When you express your frustrations to your wife, explain that to her and that you are coming from a place of love and wanting what is best for all.
As for the process of gaining respect, remember that small victories should be celebrated. Try and focus on any subtle changes you see in your son, and remember, he is 14. Most teenagers have streaks of rebellion, of "disrespectfulness." This can actually be healthy if it is done in a safe way and you are all talking about it. Also remember that when you lose your temper, you only make matters worse. Try to stay calm during these more tense moments.
With the help of a professional, I'm hopeful you will all live harmoniously.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2418054
Say someone calls and he asks me, "Who are you talking to?" Or, if I go outside, he asks, "Where are you going?" When I tell him that I'm the adult, that I don't answer to him, he replies that his mother gets onto me for getting onto him, so I just need to tell him everything. And if I get onto him and yell because I've told him over and over not to do something, then I'm the bad guy because I lost my temper.
I'm just tired of being ignored and disrespected all the time. Anyway, I try to talk to my wife about showing a united front in front of our son, but since he isn't biologically mine -- I just adopted him -- she tells me that she won't because I'm wrong all the time. What should I do? -- Frustrated and Tired Dad and Husband
Dear Frustrated and Tired: Trying to speak with your wife and show a united front is a great idea. Her dismissing you and saying that you are wrong all the time is not the best way to communicate. At this point, you might have to seek the help of a professional family counselor. It is important for your 14-year-old son to learn to respect you and your wife. It will serve him well in life.
If you don't teach your son proper manners and respect for you, his parent, he will sadly have to learn that lesson in the real world. Being disrespectful to a teacher or a boss can have serious life consequences. When you express your frustrations to your wife, explain that to her and that you are coming from a place of love and wanting what is best for all.
As for the process of gaining respect, remember that small victories should be celebrated. Try and focus on any subtle changes you see in your son, and remember, he is 14. Most teenagers have streaks of rebellion, of "disrespectfulness." This can actually be healthy if it is done in a safe way and you are all talking about it. Also remember that when you lose your temper, you only make matters worse. Try to stay calm during these more tense moments.
With the help of a professional, I'm hopeful you will all live harmoniously.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2418054
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In my authoritarian family-of-origin, children were expected to obey immediately and answer questions when asked, but ASKING questions was "talking back" and was punished, especially asking questions about things you were being told to do or rules being laid down.
This is AWFUL, because (for example) I was punished for "misbehaving" if I got the rules or requests wrong, and punished for "talking back" if I asked questions because it was unclear, and told "you should know better" about rules, when I wanted to know how they applied to nonstandard situations.
I do not have much sympathy for the LW, if this is the worst problem he's facing, he's lucky. The mother isn't doing such a great job either, for the reasons stated in
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