Dear Abby: Man's Fiancee Bad Mouths Ex In Front of Kids

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee of three years, "Ellen," is wonderful to me and she loves my daughters dearly. However, when it comes to my ex-wife, Ellen can be downright nasty.

I divorced my ex-wife many years ago because she wasn't good to me, but my kids see her half the time and love her because she's their mom, and I encourage them to do that. Ellen says nasty things about her in front of my kids, and of course my kids don't like it and tell me about it. When I confront Ellen about it, she tells me I stick up for my ex more than her and tries to make me feel guilty.

My kids are my world, Abby. I love Ellen, but I refuse to lose my kids because my fiancee can't control her mouth. I don't know what to do. If I lose Ellen because of my ex, I'll be devastated. Do you have any advice for me? -- CAN'T WIN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CAN'T WIN: Try asking Ellen how she would feel if she were in your daughters' shoes and someone constantly said nasty things about her mother. I'll bet she wouldn't like it one bit.

You say Ellen loves your daughters -- yet she persists in doing something she knows is painful for them. That isn't loving behavior, nor is it kind or sensitive. My advice is to tell Ellen she needs to do some work on quelling her insecurity and hostility because she's driving your daughters away, and they are your world. And add that if you hear she's continuing to make nasty comments about their mother, although it pains you, you will miss her.

Comments

[cereta]

No. No, no, no, just NO.

You don't mention any current bad behavior on the part of your ex. If you lose Ellen, it won't be because of your ex. It will be because of Ellen's behavior, and her refusal to prioritize your children's well-being over her...what? I can understand anger at someone who treated someone you love badly, even if that treatment is in the past. But a grown-up should be able to hold her tongue, at least for the time that your daughters are with her.

I know you have over three years invested in this relationship, but you need to do some serious thinking. The is obviously not a new situation, which means you have let your daughters be distressed for how long now? It needs to stop NOW, whatever that requires.

[kaberett]

^ yeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

[vass]

Yeah.

[recessional]

Good call, Abby.

[anotherheather]

Abby is spot on. My parents would bad-mouth each other to me when the other wasn't around during their divorce and it was awful. I can only imagine what it would have been like for a kid.

[shirou]

The one thing that Abby and most advice columnists seem to get right is that when there are kids involved, the parent's (or parents') first responsibility is to them.