Ask Amy: This episode of ‘The Brady Bunch’ never aired

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My husband and I married 16 years ago. He has two sons and I have a son and daughter. We were not the Brady Bunch, but I truly tried.

My stepsons have been involved in narcotics since they were middle-schoolers. Today they are both near 30, on methadone, and have been able to work and live on their own with my husband’s financial help. We have had many upheavals in our lives, centered around their addictions and behavior.

My husband loves to have the family together for meals, birthday celebrations, etc. This is fine. I understand. However, the burden of shopping and preparing these meals falls to me.

My husband wants everything ready to slide onto the table the minute they walk in the door because he knows they only stay for a very short time.

Yet even with advance planning, they are consistently late by two or three hours.

I get up early to start working on the meal, only to try to save and salvage it until they walk in the door. I've suggested to my husband that he cook or order in food, but he says they need a wholesome, home-cooked meal. And he makes excuses for their lateness. It's not like these meals are a surprise. They agree to be there at a particular time, and they are always late.

I guess I should be happy that they eventually do show up, because they used to not show at all.

How do I get my husband to call his sons on this behavior?

— Frustrated in the Kitchen

Dear Frustrated: Your husband is accepting what he can get from his sons. They show up at all because they feel obligated to their father and you, and they eat and run because being home fills them with tension, sadness and guilt because of all they’ve been through, and all they’ve put you through.

I can understand why your husband doesn’t confront them about their lateness. He wants to establish “home” as a place where they aren’t judged, criticized, or stigmatized. He’s going for “normalcy,” but the entire situation is very loaded.

I think you have two choices: You can commit to this experience, and decide that this is a beautiful way that you specifically can show your love and compassion toward these men. Release your anger elsewhere, anticipate their lateness, and make food that is easily served room-temperature (or easily reheated).

You can go on strike. Tell your husband, “This has become a very tough situation for me. When it comes to these visits, you are very tense and demanding. The next time we plan a meal with our sons, you are going to have to handle it. I’ll help out, but you need to be in charge of the food.”

You and your husband should commit to counseling, and/or a “friends and family” support group.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2414666?fs

Comments

[conuly]

The advice isn't bad, though Amy would've done better not to try to describe the inherently unknowable emotions of people she's never met and has only seen described in a few, brief words.

But yeah. LW's husband (probably) doesn't need to call his sons on their behavior - sounds like they're finally getting to a good place after years of struggles. LW's husband does need to step up and start taking all the emotional labor of these visits off his wife. How about, instead of her making dinner, they plan to order pizza when the stepsons arrive? Or, if he's so determined that they need to cook, he can do the cooking. Something fast, like pasta or burgers.

[tielan]

Sounds like it's less a case of her husband drawing the line with his sons so much as her drawing the line with her husband.

[azurelunatic]

This sounds like a husband problem, and I wonder what else he is trying to put on her to patch over so he can pretend things are normal. Definitely counselor time.

For guests who will scram ASAP, I would go with something microwavable within about 5 minutes.

[oursin]

What about the other members of the family who are, presumably, being inconvenienced by this? We don't hear anything about her son and daughter who are presumably also included in these family get-togethers and have, I suspect, over time, been impacted by those 'many upheavals'. I would consider they too have ample justification for being pissed off at being jerked around like this.

[conuly]

Yes, they do seem to exit stage right in this narrative, don't they? And since they don't matter to the story, I wonder why LW mentioned them at all. Lack of an editor, I guess.

But maybe LW doesn't invite their own kids to these stepkid meetups, or maybe LW's kids, not struggling with addiction (I presume), have careers further from home.

[cereta]

Two words: Crock pot.

I mean, ignoring Amy's kind of bizarre attribution of feelings and motives to the sons, and the larger issues of whether husband needs to step up and whether they need counseling (which are all things that should be addressed), situations like this can be addressed with a stew or chili or other dish that can hang out at low in a crock pot while you snack a bit to keep your own blood sugar up (something that is probably not helping matters).

Wow, that was all one sentence, wasn't it?

ETA: I should clarify that I'm sort of going with Amy's first option, which is basically what psych calls "radical acceptance." There's a lot going on in this picture, but the immediate surface issue of stress and irritation can be solved if LW tries to just accept that this is what they have to work with and look for practical accommodations.

[fox]

I don't see where "I've suggested to my husband that he cook" being met with "but he says they need a wholesome, home-cooked meal" makes a lick of goddamn sense.

[conuly]

LW's husband is an ass, I think we can all agree on that. They're his sons, this is frustrating to his wife who is NOT their mother, he should be managing the meal plan.

[wordweaverlynn]

But that wouldn't fit with his dream of an Ozzie and Harriet family where Dad is all-wise, Mom is a good cook, and the boys are clean-cut and hard-working. (Any resemblance to the real Nelson family is entirely coincidental.)

[cereta]

Oh, that's definitely true, and I suspect that both LW and husband are assuming that we will simply assume that husband, being a man, is incapable of producing such a meal. And that may be something the LW just has to radically accept or something that they draw a line in the sand over.

[beable]

I've suggested to my husband that he cook or order in food, but he says they need a wholesome, home-cooked meal.

Anyone want to bet that husband would not consider "dish in a crockpot" or "dish easily reheatable" to be a wholesome, home-cooked meal?

If his response to "how about you cook then, or we can order takeout" be "my kids need a wholesome, home-cooked meal" he's living with sufficient pre-conceived notions of what that means that I bet he wouldn't consider any shortcuts such as the crockpot acceptable.

[cereta]

I have no idea, although I've yet to meet an omnivore who wouldn't consider pot roast a wholesome, home-cooked meal. And I mean, yes: "radical acceptance" implies "I can live with this situation if I have to." Very few people, or at least very few people who would view the LW as a person with feelings and needs that should be considered, would suggest that she has to put up with a situation that is truly intolerable. If practical compromises like crock pot chili or a large salad with cold protein or anything that can be kept warm in the oven without becoming inedible are rejected in favor of spaghetti bolognese or roast chicken, then that may well be a bridge too far.

[lilysea]

My suggestion, at least in not-COVID times, would be that LW makes plans to go out to a restaurant with a good female friend on nights the sons are coming over, and tells her husband that she is doing so - after 3-4 repetitions of this, I bet husband will either cook himself, or order takeaway...

[shirou]

Great suggestion! I love my crock pot. (Same thing as a slow cooker, right? That's what we call it.)

I'm the cook in my family, and asking my wife to cook a big, family meal would be kind of unreasonable. It's not that she's fundamentally incapable, but that isn't how we divide labor, and she's not at ease in the kitchen. Same applies to this letter. I'd look for something that stays warm or reheats easily, and a slow cooker is perfect.

But if it really is too much for LW, husband needs to be open to ordering take-out. (As the cook in my family, I love take-out night!)