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“ I’ve been lying to my partner about the coronavirus safety measures I’m taking”
Dear Dr. Andrea,
My partner and I have a very solid and loving relationship. We have been together for three years and lived together for two. We are as committed as two people can be. I feel like I am breaking his trust though. My partner is a more nervous person and more of an introvert than I am. When the lockdown first started, he took comfort in holing up in our townhouse, working from home, getting groceries delivered and doing the occasional FaceTime with his family, but that was pretty much it. He has been content with that life. We walk our dog while masked and we have gone on a handful of hikes at off times in remote places. But that is really the extent of him leaving the house in months. I can’t manage that way. I have a broader circle of friends and am much more of a “chat with the neighbors” type. I also need fresh air, activity and novelty. And I need to go on runs.
I convinced him to let me grocery shop starting a couple of months ago and to run certain other errands, but he was very nervous about it. On one of those trips I ran into our neighbor and we decided to have coffee outside. That turned into me occasionally making plans to see other friends for coffee or a backyard drink. At this point I am routinely “going for a long run” when in reality I am seeing people or browsing at a clothing store. I had lunch at a restaurant (outdoor seating) with a friend last weekend. I justify it each time because I am being as safe as possible and my mental health is important, but I know he would be really upset.
I want to start fresh and come clean but I also know that I can’t live the way he expects me to.
—I know this isn’t good
I understand how different your needs are than his, but you are digging yourself into a hole — a hole that harms your partner. It not only erodes trust but it misleads him into exposure that he did not knowingly consent to.
What is your endgame here? Maybe you hope that society will flip the “normal” switch and you’ll be back on the same page as him, never having to let on what you’ve been doing. But how would that work? Would your neighbors never let on about the lattes? Would you have to fake the awe of being at a boutique for the first time in a year, when in reality you know their inventory by heart? The deception mechanics alone give me a headache.
Even when restrictions further loosen, do you expect your partner to suddenly be okay with everything? The crawl back to “normal” will be gradual, with fits and starts (and new anxieties) along the way.
Most grave is that you are violating boundaries that he still believes are in place — boundaries that involve his values, his comfort levels, and his health and safety. This isn’t like leaving socks on the floor. You have decided that his health beliefs and needs aren’t as valid or as important as yours. You have denied him the chance to defend those beliefs and simply put your own beliefs into action without his consent. All while he doesn’t even get the right to be aware of his personal limits being broken, over and over again.
I’m not trying to make you feel worse, but rather to have you understand that no matter how much of an impasse you imagined would have occurred if you confessed after that first coffee, it’s likely not nearly as bad as having to answer for serious deception. And that gets worse with each passing day.
I’m guessing a part of you will still resist coming clean, thinking you can make it work and that it’s not that big of deal if you’re following recommended health guidelines. That may be the least uncomfortable route in the short-term. But ask yourself: Why should your short-term comfort be so much more powerful than the long-term strength of your relationship and his right to protect his own health in the ways that he sees fit?
Have the hard conversation. Come into it with full empathy, vulnerability and remorse. Explain your needs and the slippery slope of one tiny decision giving way to a whole host of bad ones. There’s no way to make it comfortable and there’s no way he won’t be upset (which is his right). It won’t be magically easy to come up with acceptable boundaries for you both to live together going forward.
But ultimately, it really is a question of the person you want to be — and the relationship you want to have.
https://www.thelily.com/ask-dr-andrea-ive-been-lying-to-my-partner-about-the-coronavirus-safety-measures-im-taking/?tid=recommended_by_lily
My partner and I have a very solid and loving relationship. We have been together for three years and lived together for two. We are as committed as two people can be. I feel like I am breaking his trust though. My partner is a more nervous person and more of an introvert than I am. When the lockdown first started, he took comfort in holing up in our townhouse, working from home, getting groceries delivered and doing the occasional FaceTime with his family, but that was pretty much it. He has been content with that life. We walk our dog while masked and we have gone on a handful of hikes at off times in remote places. But that is really the extent of him leaving the house in months. I can’t manage that way. I have a broader circle of friends and am much more of a “chat with the neighbors” type. I also need fresh air, activity and novelty. And I need to go on runs.
I convinced him to let me grocery shop starting a couple of months ago and to run certain other errands, but he was very nervous about it. On one of those trips I ran into our neighbor and we decided to have coffee outside. That turned into me occasionally making plans to see other friends for coffee or a backyard drink. At this point I am routinely “going for a long run” when in reality I am seeing people or browsing at a clothing store. I had lunch at a restaurant (outdoor seating) with a friend last weekend. I justify it each time because I am being as safe as possible and my mental health is important, but I know he would be really upset.
I want to start fresh and come clean but I also know that I can’t live the way he expects me to.
—I know this isn’t good
I understand how different your needs are than his, but you are digging yourself into a hole — a hole that harms your partner. It not only erodes trust but it misleads him into exposure that he did not knowingly consent to.
What is your endgame here? Maybe you hope that society will flip the “normal” switch and you’ll be back on the same page as him, never having to let on what you’ve been doing. But how would that work? Would your neighbors never let on about the lattes? Would you have to fake the awe of being at a boutique for the first time in a year, when in reality you know their inventory by heart? The deception mechanics alone give me a headache.
Even when restrictions further loosen, do you expect your partner to suddenly be okay with everything? The crawl back to “normal” will be gradual, with fits and starts (and new anxieties) along the way.
Most grave is that you are violating boundaries that he still believes are in place — boundaries that involve his values, his comfort levels, and his health and safety. This isn’t like leaving socks on the floor. You have decided that his health beliefs and needs aren’t as valid or as important as yours. You have denied him the chance to defend those beliefs and simply put your own beliefs into action without his consent. All while he doesn’t even get the right to be aware of his personal limits being broken, over and over again.
I’m not trying to make you feel worse, but rather to have you understand that no matter how much of an impasse you imagined would have occurred if you confessed after that first coffee, it’s likely not nearly as bad as having to answer for serious deception. And that gets worse with each passing day.
I’m guessing a part of you will still resist coming clean, thinking you can make it work and that it’s not that big of deal if you’re following recommended health guidelines. That may be the least uncomfortable route in the short-term. But ask yourself: Why should your short-term comfort be so much more powerful than the long-term strength of your relationship and his right to protect his own health in the ways that he sees fit?
Have the hard conversation. Come into it with full empathy, vulnerability and remorse. Explain your needs and the slippery slope of one tiny decision giving way to a whole host of bad ones. There’s no way to make it comfortable and there’s no way he won’t be upset (which is his right). It won’t be magically easy to come up with acceptable boundaries for you both to live together going forward.
But ultimately, it really is a question of the person you want to be — and the relationship you want to have.
https://www.thelily.com/ask-dr-andrea-ive-been-lying-to-my-partner-about-the-coronavirus-safety-measures-im-taking/?tid=recommended_by_lily
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Oh YEAH.
Now, in my household, I'm the more outgoing, more social, less cautious adult. But guess what? I don't lie to my spouse about where I'm going or what I'm doing. I check in with him about our shared understanding of what is acceptable risk.
LW is being a bit more risky than I would, but the real problem is the lying. If my spouse were that upset about me having garden meetups and outdoor coffees with friends, I would insist we sit down and talk through the risks and benefits, just like we would for anything else where we had a conflict of needs. That might be really difficult! There might not be an easy solution! But lying to avoid the difficult conversation makes LW someone I wouldn't want as a partner.
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The health risks are actually WORSE than if the partner was cheating sexually.
As of September 2020, having HIV is more treatable and has better long term outcomes than COVID.
[Assuming access to good quality medical care and medications for both]
Nearly 8 in 10 people who didn't require hospitalization from COVID have had cardiovascular [heart] damage from COVID
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamacardiology/fullarticle/2768916?guestAccessKey=698ebd4c-5c29-4069-9ef6-8839bcbc07de
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LW, you're making excuses because there *is no excuse* for this kind of lying. Stahhhp.
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My husband is a necessary worker and is still more careful than this person is.
AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH
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10,000% agree
(I am in a high-risk group for COVID so I'm probably coming at this with more rage than is warranted, but COVID is killing young, healthy people too.)
At this stage I am actually less worried about COVID killing people immediately [altho that is obviously a risk]
than I am about what appear to be potentially life-long health damage to the people who survive COVID - it appears that even "mild" COVID can massively damage quality of life for 6 months or longer after wards, and lead to conditions that can shorten life expectancy.
eg
kidney failure
heart damage
brain damage
increased risk of stroke
etc
COVID-19 Can Wreck Your Heart, Even if You Haven't Had Any Symptoms
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/covid-19-can-wreck-your-heart-even-if-you-havent-had-any-symptoms/
Nearly 8 in 10 people who didn't require hospitalization from COVID have had cardiovascular [heart] damage from COVID
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamacardiology/fullarticle/2768916?guestAccessKey=698ebd4c-5c29-4069-9ef6-8839bcbc07de
Long-hauler COVID patients meet with the WHO
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/briannasacks/covid-long-haulers-who-coronavirus
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I’m already disabled by my genetic disorder, my QOL is a struggle RIGHT NOW, and I don’t want to lose the degree of autonomy and functionality that I have fought incredibly hard to maintain.
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He sounds controlling and totally unwilling to compromise. She basically has to beg to be allowed out. I am not convinced that this isn't more about controlling her than covid.
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(In the context of poly relationships, it was an advance agreement of “no new partners who have an incurable STI,” because I’m immune-compromised and could wind up with serious issues from it. More than one partner has been dishonest with me because they wanted to sleep with someone who had herpes.)
And I broke up with my partner of two years during the pandemic, because he insisted on continuing to DJ live dance events in bars (which the CDC lists as a 9/9 highest-risk activity) in June/July/August, when it was clear that he was putting people at risk for doing so (not just the attendees, everyone they encountered afterward.)
Not wanting to get sick or die due to a partner’s irresponsible or dishonest behavior is a reasonable boundary.
The LW has the option of being honest, and it’s entirely possible that they and their partner might break up because of incompatible risk tolerance... but *he has the right to decide what level of risk he is willing to accept, and the LW’s dishonesty is violating his consent.*
In other circumstances, I’d agree that restricting a partner’s socializing would be controlling or abusive, but not in the context of a deadly global pandemic.
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He sounds controlling and totally unwilling to compromise. She basically has to beg to be allowed out. I am not convinced that this isn't more about controlling her than covid.
It is not abuse to say
"I need you to do everything in your power not to bring home a virus that could kill me or seriously and permanently disable me, and if you can't agree to that, one of us needs to move out."
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However, having an affair is still dishonest, still a breaking of agreements and a betrayal of trust, no matter what sympathetic reasons people have for entering into one.
In 2019 I would have thought LW's SO was being controlling and scary. But a new factor has entered the equation, a disease that kills more than one in one hundred people who catch it and which leaves many more permanently injured. If LW can't live by their SO's rules then they need to deal with that aboveboard, for both their SO's sake and their own.
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I also read this as being a m/m couple for whatever reason, so I had that response without the patriarchy-baggage of an assumed hetero relationship. One does not get to play roulette with their partner's health in direct violation of a clearly stated boundary about that health.
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Anyway, different risk tolerance is something that I imagine is doing a number on a lot of couples. On the one hand, it has to feel shitty to feel like you have to ask permission or go through a whole thing every time you want to leave the house to determine if it's necessary or justifiable. On the other, it is not unreasonable to be worried about covid risks, especially in areas where community spread is high and even the necessary activities, like grocery shopping, are increasingly risky.
Maybe it would help if they came up with a 'reopening plan' for their household? Like, having set criteria when it would be okay to meet outdoors with masks, when would it be ok to meet outdoors and eat or drink, etc. Then it doesn't seem like an interminable future of solitude, plus it's not like a 'mother may I' vibe with each day and each activity.
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I'm thankful every day that I'm not an extrovert, because quarantine would be so much worse if I were. That doesn't mean introverts have been having private alone time parties every day since march.
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